This is my first one-shot ever! (As well as my first Kellan story ever. ;)) I'm pretty happy with it. Like most of my other stories, I woke up with this idea from a dream one morning this last week, and it just wouldn't leave me alone till I wrote it down. So, here's what came from it. I hope you enjoy! And please feel free to let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome. =)
You Don’t Have to Be Alone
“Outside the winter seems so cold
Your heart is frozen like the snow
And there's no one home to keep you safe and warm
Your eyes are red because you've cried
You fell asleep by the fireside
But there's one thing you should know
On this Christmas baby
You don't have to be alone”
~“You Don’t Have to Be Alone” by *NSYNC
~*~Thursday, December 24, 2009~Christmas Eve~*~
Christmas. The day that most love and can’t wait for. Me, however, not so much, well anymore. It’s not that I hate the holiday. I like it, used to love it actually, and appreciate it and the meaning behind it just fine. It’s just when you don’t have any family there with you, the holidays are a constant reminder of that. Now, there is no reason to feel sorry for me. I’m never left alone on the holidays. I have great friends, one in particular but you’ll meet and learn more about him later, that always make sure to include me in their plans. But Christmas is the one holiday that I never get to celebrate on the day of, but rather on Christmas Eve. That has become my tradition, not necessarily by choice mind you. Well, not by my choice, but definitely by his.
Ah, him. HE is my best friend; the one constant in my life. He has always been there for everything and anything of any importance in my life. My junior and senior proms. My high school graduation. The day I received my acceptance letter to Yale. My graduation from Yale. And that’s just to name the biggest moments thus far. He is my life. He is my love, although he doesn’t know that and probably never will. He is truly the only person I can count on. He is Kellan Lutz.
And who am I? I’m Alexia Mitchell, better known as Alex. I’m 24, well as of a couple week ago, average height and weight, brown hair and hazel eyes. You’re normal, average looking girl next door type. But as for non-physical attributes: I received my degree in pediatrics from Yale University School of Medicine in June of 2008. I now live in Arizona, but was born in North Dakota, and work at a hospital in the pediatrics department. I love reading and writing in my spare time, and enjoy all types of music.
As for my family, they still live in North Dakota. Well, my dad does. My mom passed away when I was little, and then a year later I met Kellan, I was 8 and he was 9. When my mom ‘left’, my dad had to work twice as hard to raise us; me and my brother, who I never see and hardly ever talk to. And soon, Dad became all about work and nothing else.
Kellan came into my life at just the right time though, right at the start of my dad never being there, and he helped to make me not feel so lonely, at least until he moved away with his family. But even then, he managed to always be there and support me when it mattered and was needed most.
And since I was old enough to travel alone, I have spent every Christmas Eve with Kellan and his family, always having fly back early Christmas morning. And that is where I am now, watching Miracle on 34th Street
, like every year. Unlike previous years, but like the last couple, I haven’t really paid too much attention to the movies or conversation. Though I have enjoyed getting to see and hang out with Kellan again, especially since this time of year is one of the few times that I‘ve gotten to these last few years. In fact, this used to be the highlight of my year, every year; the one time that I looked forward to the most.
But as of two years ago, Christmas Eve 2007, when he first brought her along with him. Which was all fine and everything, I get, well maybe got is better usage, along with her fine. But with each passing year and Christmas Eve, this one being the worst so far, she has seemingly gotten more mad at me or jealous of me or something. I’m not too sure. But she has become steadily more rude and mean to me whenever we stay in the same place together for too long, too long being longer than five minutes. This seems all fine and dandy right? I mean, girlfriends will usually get mad or jealous of a close girl friend, right? Well, anyway, it would be fine and everything if she hadn’t been coming to his family’s Christmas Eve dinner for these last 2 years with attitude making my holiday worse and worse with each passing year.
Her name is Sarah and she’s your ideal ‘model/ head cheerleader’ type. Tall, thin but not ‘sickly’ thin, toned, blonde- all natural too, bright green eyes, gorgeous and perfectly white smile, and the best personality. Everything that most women LOVE to hate and can‘t help but hate. However, you honestly can’t truly hate her. She is the nicest and most sincere person ever, well to everyone except me. And, not to mention, absolutely perfect for Kellan.
But she used to be that way to me as well. However, once her and Kellan made it to the one year mark, and she spent her first Christmas with his family, that all changed. My only, and best, guess is that on that Christmas Eve, she saw just how close we are and decided, like most women would I guess, that she could change that and get us to not be so close. And it is slowly but surely working, whether he realizes it or not, I don’t know. But with each passing year, something else changes and I no longer feel comfortable here in this house.
I’m brought out of my thoughts when I feel someone sit down next to me on the couch. I look around the room at everyone and see that they are all watching the movie intently. I glance beside me, seeing that Kellan is the one that sat down. We share a brief smile before turning back to the movie. As I’m turning back though, I see Sarah out of the corner of my eye. Meeting her eyes, I can see the jealousy in them, with just an undertone of hate, making me think back to my previous thoughts. Maybe it is just better if I move on and try to start a new tradition, instead of ‘clinging’ and ‘following’ Kellan around.
I release a sigh, that’s evidently louder than I thought, cause I feel Kellan shift and can see his head turn to look at me in my periphery. I try to ignore him as I see him study me. After a few minutes, I finally turn and meet his eyes and within them I can see the confusion, worry, and pain. I try to smile at him, but he looks so lost in that moment, that I just can’t muster up that fake smile I’ve been using the last couple years.
Suddenly, he gets up, grabs my hand pulling me up with him. He walks us into the kitchen, where his mom and sister are finishing up dinner. He goes over to the coat hooks by the door, and grabs both our coats before turning back to me and holding mine up to me. I stay where I am, giving him a confused look. After about one whole minute, I sigh again and walk over to him, turning so he can help me into my coat.
As he’s putting his coat on, he speaks for the first time, but not to me. “Hey, Ma, we’re going for a walk, we’ll be back in about 10 minutes, don’t wait for us if dinner is done before we get back though.” I look at him with confusion again, before turning to catch his mom looking between the two of us with the same look.
After looking between us a handful of times and exchanging a look with her daughter, she nods but doesn’t say anything. And that seems to be enough for him because he grabs my hand and opens the back door with the other.
Not letting go of my hand, or saying anything, he leads the way out into the night. I look around us, trying to get my bearings and figure out where he could be taking me. Finally, once we’re about three blocks away, he walks into a play ground and to an old swing set. Releasing my hand, he sits on one of the swings and sways back and forth slowly before looking up to me, studying me for a couple seconds before saying anything.
“I used to come here to think all the time back in high school. It was one of the few places I felt like I could truly get away from everything.” He looks around the playground and I follow suit, looking around as well, and suddenly remember him bringing me here one other time, my very first Christmas Eve with him, that was 8 years ago.
Looking back at him to find him watching and studying me again, I nod and walk to sit in the swing next to him. “I remember. You brought me here that first year that I got to come see you.” He nods and looks down, watching his feet swing back and forth but never leaving the ground. Now I study him and can tell that he’s lost in thought, but seems that he has a lot he wants to say, he just doesn’t know how to say it or where to start. I look away and instead stare up at the clear sky and admire the stars, giving him the time that I know he needs to get his thoughts together.
“I know that something has changed with you these last few years. You have everyone else fooled into believing that you enjoy yourself and that your smiles are genuine, but I know that they aren’t. I just can’t figure out why.” I look at him but he’s still just staring down at his feet, but now I can tell that he’s not really looking or seeing them. “I mean, I’d like to think that it doesn’t have anything to do with me or that you don’t only come now because you feel like you have to be with me and my family every year. But I don’t know. I can tell that this year is worse than last and last was worse than the year before. So, it leaves me not so sure about what it is that makes you get so lost in your thoughts so often throughout the night or why you are no longer enjoying and looking forward to Christmas with me.” I watch him, waiting to see if he’s going to look up or continue talking. When he does neither. I start swinging too, in the same fashion as he is and look back to the stars trying to blink away my tears.
“Kell, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And I’m sorry that I’ve been this way. I just… I just don’t…” I drift off, trying to find the right words to explain it without having to lie but also without telling the whole truth and therefore hurting his feelings and possibly his ‘perfect’ relationship. I couldn’t forgive myself if I caused anything bad to happen in his life.
“Why are you lying to me?” I look at him and am met with his watery blues.
“I’m not” but before I can finish he cuts me off.
“Well, you certainly aren’t telling me the truth Ali. I’ve known you too long to know how you are and work. You may not be lying because you know that I would know, but you are definitely trying to find the best medium so that you don’t tell me the truth too. And I can’t for the life of me figure out why or when we started only sharing half truths with each other.” I look into his eyes for only a couple more seconds before looking back to the sky.
Releasing a heavy breath, I let it all out. Everything that has been bothering me these last few years. Everything that Sarah has ever said to me when his back was turned. Everything that I’ve been feeling. Well, almost everything. I can’t tell him all of it. He’s in a relationship after all, and even if he wasn’t, I can’t see it ever happening or him ever truly caring in that way. Once I’m finished, I continue to look at the sky but stop moving my swing. I only look to him, when he grabs the chain closest to him and pulls me slightly closer to him.
And for once, I honestly can’t read him. Whatever emotion he is feeling right now, I can’t make it out and can honestly say that I’ve never seen him express it before. He slowly brings his own swing closer to me, still pulling mine to him, until he can’t get us any closer. My eyes dart between both of his and then his lips when he starts speaking for the first time since I let the wall fall, opened the dam and let the whole truth flow.
“Do you remember the first time I brought you here and we were pointing out all the different constellations to each other?” I nod to answer him and encourage him on, not sure where this is going. “Do you remember, right when we were bickering over Orion’s Belt and if what I pointed out was really it, what I told you that night?” I thought back, searching my brain for something, anything. But before I could find the info he wanted, he answered himself. “I told you that you are never alone. And that you never have to be alone again. That I am always here with you, for you, and am only a phone call and short plane ride away whenever you need me.” I look into his eyes and nod once, slowly, as he moves closer still. “And that all still stands Alex. It will never change, and no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever change that.” I nod again, but this time, it causes our noses to brush together softly. “Just never forget that, ok?” He whispers and I look into his eyes again, and I can see that he relaxed a little bit, and I know that he knows that I won’t forget again. “Ok, good.” He says softly, the movement causing his lips to brush against mine.
Glancing down to his lips and back to his eyes, I can tell that he wants my approval. “Kellan” I whisper softly, but I’m sure he hears it. My brow furrows in confusion, thinking about Sarah, and how this really can’t happen. But it smooths out when I think that I’ve been waiting and wanting this for so long, too long, and that he was mine first. No, maybe not in the boyfriend sense, but definitely in the friend and ‘knowing of’ sense.
“Alexia” and that’s all he gets out before his lips meet mine softly. And for the first few seconds, neither of us move. We just stay put, with our lips resting softly together, and for me, relishing in the feel of my lips on his. And as everything else fades away, and it’s just us in the entire universe, he starts to gently massage his lips with my own. Slowly taking my bottom lip between his, his lips caress it before his tongue slips out and gently runs along it before he switches to my top lip and giving it the same treatment.
As he continues in the same soft, gentle, and loving manner, I’m aching to experience the feel of our tongues brushing together. And at the exact moment that thought runs though my mind, he runs his tongue along both of my lips, silently and politely asking for entrance. And having never been one to deny him anything, I allow it. And in that one single moment of our tongues massaging each others for the first time, the world stops and I’m complete and whole for the first time in my entire life. Then, as all good must come to an end, and in my normal fashion, I completely destroy it.
The moment he breaks away for us to both get some much needed air, his lips softly and slowly making their way to my neck, I breathe the one word and name that can totally rip my heart out and stop him at the same time. “Sarah.” And as I thought, he stops instantly. His lips freezing against my jaw. I slowly bring my hands from his hair, not even remembering how or when they got there, and rest them on his chest and push him away softly.
And if I thought that just saying her name broke my heart, the look that he has and the emotion he is expressing in his eyes, is enough to throw my heart in a blender and then run it through a shredder. I look down, hoping that he didn’t catch the emotion in my eyes as well, but I don’t have that much luck.
“Alexia.” When I don’t look up, he softly grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger, bringing my face up to be level with his again. “Ali, please?” And in that one moment, the tears fall. I shake my head softly and pull completely away from him, standing up and walking back towards the street. “Ali!” I don’t even pause, just keep walking in the opposite direction of his mom’s house but towards my apartment complex. “ALEX!” I stop, not to listen to him, but to look both ways before crossing the four way stop. Unfortunately, for me at least, he reaches me and grabs my arm gently, spinning me around to look at him. I try not to meet his eyes, but mine missed the memo and that’s the first place they go, and once locked, I can’t look away no matter how much I want to. “Please? Just don’t walk away from me.” I don’t say anything, I can’t say anything. “What just happened, no matter how much I should, I can’t say that it was a mistake. I mean, it was the single most”
Finally looking away, I brush his hand from my arm and try to ignore that I now feel so much colder, and force myself to say the words that I know will just kill me but need to be said. “I know. It was the single most… most… regretful thing that we could ever do.” I turn around and start to cross the street but he rushes to block me and places both hands on my shoulders, holding me in place.
“You don’t mean that. And I could never regret that kiss. It seriously just stopped me from making the stupidest and biggest mistake of my life.” I look anywhere but at him, and try to brush his hands off me, but no such luck. “You can’t mean that Ali.” And at that point, the hurt in his voice gets to me, and I meet his filled to the brim eyes. At seeing his hopeless and pain filled face, I loose the last strand of control I have and two fat tears run down my face, over my jaw, and down my neck before being absorbed in the collar of my coat. His grip loosens on me and I step back from him.
“I…” I look around us and the streets are completely deserted. Looking back to him, I finish my thought while walking around him again and continuing to my cold, empty apartment. “I need to go. Tell everyone Merry Christmas for me.” With that, I race across the street, not looking back until I’m safely tucked away in darkness, and he’s still in the same position, back to me, under the street light. I force myself to turn back around and continue on my way, instead of running back to him like my heart is wanting so badly to do.
I stand here, staring at the space that she just occupied. And for all the life within me, I can’t make the tears that fill my eyes, blurring my vision, fall. I have no reference of time or anything anymore. It’s all out the window. It all broke through the glass and wall, leaving me, the moment that her lips touched mine. And in that one tiniest moment, all my priorities changed, my whole life’s purpose was shifted. And right now, that number one priority and purpose is alone, cold, and crying. And I’m helpless to do anything about it and I couldn’t stop her when I had the chance.
Still willing the tears that I so desperately need to shed to fall, I find myself back home, staring at the door, and unable to open it. But now, I find myself wondering how long I’ve been gone and just how, exactly, I got back.
I continue to ponder this thought, before finally opening the door when I notice that my eyes are dry again. I walk straight into the living room, trying not to think too hard about the only two plates left on the dining room table. However, once I enter the room, all eyes are on me, looking expectantly. I shrug my shoulders and sit in the chair furthest away from everyone that I can manage without too many questions.
“Where’s Alex?” I look to my brother, studying him for a minute.
“Um, she had to go home. But wanted me to wish everyone a Merry Christmas for her.” I look at my hands briefly before my mom speaks next.
“Oh, ok. I’m sure we’ll see her soon. We do have to get her presents to her after all.” I look to her and can tell that was said for my benefit. I give her a small smile for the effort. “I made a plate up for you, it’s in the microwave.” I nod softly in acknowledgment though honestly just the thought of food right now makes me nauseous.
“Well, anyway. Since he’s back, can we open presents now?” I roll my eyes at my sister, though I still smile at her too. Mom nods and everyone heads into the kitchen to get the hot chocolate, as is tradition. I stay in my chair and look at the presents under the tree. And what I got for both Alex and Sarah flashes through my mind before I get an idea and smile a huge smile as I get up and walk over to the presents, quickly finding the two I’m looking for. I switch the name tags swiftly and am back in my chair looking like I never moved when they file back in taking their previous seats, though this time, Sarah comes and sits on the arm of my chair.
As my sister plays Santa and hands one present to everyone in the room, I study Sarah’s profile and interaction with my family. And the more I think about it the more I can see that she doesn’t genuinely like them or enjoy being here with them, and vice versa. But I can see that she does look slightly more comfortable now then when Alex was here. Shaking my head of my thoughts as I’m handed a present, I look down at the tag and hand it back.
“What? You always open Alex’s gift first. Even back when you guys had to mail gifts to each other.”
“I know, but this year, I just feel like I should open it last.” She shrugs and puts it back under the tree and hands me another one. I nod in appreciation. And with that, everyone starts opening their presents. I let mine sit on my lap and instead choose to watch Sarah open ‘hers’ from me. And as I hoped and expected, her reaction is one of disbelief and distaste.
“What the hell is this!” She raises her voice, successfully gaining the attention of everyone in the room.
“What do you mean babe? It’s you’re present.”
“You can’t be serious?” She says turning to look at me before standing from the chair. I nod to her and turn my attention to my unopened present, like it’s the most interesting thing ever.
“But this… this… is so… tacky. There is absolutely no emotion behind this kind of a gift. A two year old could have done something better than this.” And I hate to say it, but that hit me in the gut. There was plenty of ‘emotion’ in that gift. Alex would have loved it and laughed at the so called tacky gift. In my semi-blind ‘rage’ I stand up and meet her confrontation.
“There is plenty of emotion in that gift. I painted it myself. If it is so ‘tacky’ than give it back and I’ll give it to someone who will and can appreciate me taking the time and effort to do that for them.” I grab the plate from her hand as she continues to stare at me shocked that I actually raised my voice to her in that way.
“What? Like who? You’re precious little Alex
?” Ah, there it is. Exactly the opening I was waiting for. I smirk at her and she takes a step back, clearly understanding that I was just hoping for her to bring her up.
“Yes! Exactly like Alex. She is most definitely twice the person than you will ever be! No matter how hard to try, you can’t fool me. I know that you have done nothing but be rude and down right mean to her. I actually knew it before she told me everything that you’ve said to her tonight, though I did have to force it out of her because she’s just the type of person to actually not want to ruin relationships. But I had no idea just how bad it actually was. And if you think that you can get away with treating my best friend
that way and I wouldn’t care to do anything about it, you have a whole other thing coming. She is a part of this family before you ever will be! And if you can’t be secure enough with yourself to deal with that, then I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with someone like you and you can just leave right now and never look back.”
She stands there gaping at me for a minute before slowly looking around the room at my family. She looks back at me and shakes her head before storming off to get her coat and purse. We hear the door slam, and no sooner than it does, I’m enveloped by my brothers and tackled to the floor with them hooting and hollering that ‘It was about damn time.’
They all finally climb off me and go back to there seats and my sister and mom walk up to me. They both give me a hug before turning back to the presents and going about our whole night as if nothing ever happened.
As everyone is laughing and enjoying themselves, I can’t help but feel something, more like someone
, is missing. And as much as I am to be relieved to have that load of weight off my shoulders with Sarah finally gone, it definitely felt a ton better than this huge whole that is in my heart with Alex not being here to enjoy this experience with me and my family.
~*~Friday, December 25, 2009~Christmas Day~*~
I woke up this morning, after having not been able to fall asleep till only a couple hours ago, very determined to get my point across. That kiss was the single most meaningful and absolute best thing to have ever happened in my 24 years of life on this earth. I can’t let her believe that I regret it for one more moment.
I walk into the living room, to see all the presents that are from Mom to us kids still under the tree and the mess from the night before completely cleaned up as if it was never there to begin with. Walking over to the box that we put all of Alex’s gifts in the night before, I add a newly wrapped one to the pile, with one simple request on the tag, and pick up the box before heading into the kitchen.
Reaching the door, I sit it on a small table and quickly put my shoes and coat on before leaving the house. Minutes later, I’m pulling up outside her apartment building. I look at the window that I know to be hers and see that there is a light on. Putting the car in park on the side of the road, I get out, grab the box, and make my way to the desk in the lobby.
After a minute or so, someone comes to greet me. Once the small talk and pleasantries are out of the way, she tells me I can head on up but I stop them short.
“Actually, I was just wondering if I can leave this here for someone to take it up after I’ve left.” What can I say, I’m a coward. But I know Alex. And as soon as they called to let her know I was here and headed up to see her, she either wouldn’t answer the door or she would but she wouldn’t truly listen to what I have to say. This way, she has to listen because I know her. As soon as she opens that present, and sees what’s inside, her curiosity will get the best of her and she will have to know what the note that is with it says.
“Um, sir.” Turning my full attention back to the young woman behind the desk, I give her an encouraging look to continue. “I said that I can make sure that she receives this as soon as you’re gone, but that it might be better for you to just take it up yourself.”
Giving her my sweetest smile, I explain myself in the best possible way without letting all my business out there for the world to see, well hear. “Well, I understand that, but we kind of had a… disagreement, a misunderstanding more like, last night, and I’m not sure that she’ll want to see me right now. But in light of the holiday, I wanted to make sure she got her presents from my family today. So, if you really don’t mind, I’d prefer not to be the one to take them to her.” She looks at the box briefly and then back to me and nods softly in understanding before taking the box from me. “Thank you so much. You’re a sweetheart.” I smile at her again before leaving and shouting “Merry Christmas” over my shoulder at her. She smiles and returns the sentiment.
Getting in my car, I look at Alex’s window again before driving off around the block before deciding to just head home and wait for her to call.
I wake up to the buzzer going off signaling someone at my door. Slowly, I get up and take in my surroundings. My living room floor. Perfect. I grab another tissue as the buzzer goes off again and wipe my eyes before blowing my nose and head to the door, praying I don’t look like total crap for whoever is on the other side. After I swing the door open, I notice Leah, one of the girls that work at the lobby desk. She’s carrying a box, of what I’m not sure because I can’t see what’s in it from this angle, but it looks slightly heavy.
“Um, hi Leah, Merry Christmas.” She smiles at me briefly before moving to hand me the box.
“This was just dropped off for you. But they insisted on me bringing it up to you, so here I am. It feels like you got some pretty great stuff.” She smiles again before starting to turn away when I have a good grip on the box. “I have to get back to the desk, but Merry Christmas Alex.” With another small smile, she turns and is already halfway down the hall before I fully take in what she said and realize what this box is full of. And sure enough, when I look down, I see Christmas presents. Sighing, I turn to head back to the living room and close the door softly behind me.
Sitting the box on the coffee table, I head into the kitchen to get a pot of coffee started and then to my room to change from yesterday’s clothes and clean up a little. Going back into the kitchen for my cup of coffee, I head back into the living room. Turning the TV on to nothing in particular, mostly just for the noise, I take a sip of my coffee before finally turning back to the box.
I move to it and start taking the gifts out of it and placing them on the table, reading each tag as I remove it. Once the last one is on the table, I pick up the one, that as instructed, I am supposed to open first. It’s a small box, wrapped in plain silver paper. I carefully unwrap it, dropping the paper into the box and stare at the small white box, that can only be the home of a velvet jewelry box. Releasing a breath I didn’t realize I was holding, I pull the lid off and turn the bottom up for the slightly smaller box to fall out. Staring at the black velvet box, I barely notice the paper that falls to the carpet once the box lands in my hand. But I do and bend to pick it up, placing the paper on the table, I turn my attention back to the box in my hand. Releasing a heavy sigh, I slowly open the lid, somewhat afraid of what it might be.
Upon seeing what’s in the box, I can’t help but to stare at it completely confused. A ring. But not just any ring. An engagement ring. So, he got me an engagement ring? That doesn’t any sense. Remembering the note that was with it, I place the box on the coffee table, still opened and reach for the note, not hesitating to open it, and immediately recognize his messy script. Ali,
I know that this is not what you were expecting, but I also know that this is the only way that I could truly get you to listen to and hear everything that I need to say.
Ok, so first off. The ring isn’t yours or even meant for you. It was meant for Sarah. And I so seriously stress the was in that statement. This is what I meant when I said that the kiss we shared last night stopped me from making the biggest and stupidest mistake of my life. I was going to propose right after presents last night, but after that kiss, I knew that she isn’t who I’m meant to spend my life with, so I just couldn’t do it.
Now, with that said. I have to make sure that you know that no matter what I could never regret that kiss. For the reason mentioned above, but also because I felt something that I never thought possible and never believed would be returned to me from you. And that is love. Now with that part said, I owe you an explanation. So, just bare with me on this. I have to get this right. Man, you’d think that after 8 some odd years, I’d know exactly what I’d want to say in this situation. But anyway, ok, so here it goes.
I love you. And I have for the longest time. And the sad part is, that I’ve tried numerous times to pin point the exact time that my feelings changed towards you, but have always come up empty. I can say though, that I have fallen deeper in love with you with each passing day. And I just never imagine it to be possible that you would or could ever share those feelings for me. And because of that… denial, maybe, and blindness, I was willing to just settle for the next best thing. But then I got swept in the moment and just in you in general, and gave in to my temptation and desire for you and kissed you. And at that moment that our lips met for the first time, I couldn’t have ever, and honestly never have and won’t again unless it’s with you, felt more whole and complete. And that made me see that I don’t deserve to just settle and that I do deserve to get what I need and truly want. Which is you. And to be with you, for as long as you’ll have me.
Now, since that is said, I have to say this too. If you don’t want me in that way, I can learn to deal with it and go back to just friends. It’ll be hard, yes, but I’d have to do it because in the moment that you turned and walked away from me last night, I died inside. And I saw that I can truly never live a day without you in my life in some way. And then when you ran away and never even came back or turned around, I began to think that maybe you could stand to live without me. I hope that’s not the case and that this is all one huge misunderstanding. But if not… well, I’m honestly not too sure what I’d do or what would happen.
So, I’m saying all this in the hope that you will at least just talk to me. Let me know that you are still there. But Ali, still no matter what, just remember that you will never be alone. I’ll always be here for you and love you.
Loving you deeply,
After reading the letter about 10 more times, with tears flowing and adding to his stains on the paper, I quickly run to my purse, to retrieve my phone.
Everyone was up and having breakfast when I returned to the house. I sat at the table with them, but didn’t really feel like eating too much. Once everything was cleared and cleaned, we all head into the living room to open the presents from Mom.
I sit here, in the same chair as the night before, not really paying attention to anything that’s happening or that I’ve received. I look around to my whole family and have to smile that they are so happy and content. I remember a time when that was all I needed too, just to be with my family and nothing else, to feel that way. Now, though, knowing that Alex isn’t here and is alone, I can’t help but feel somewhat alone myself. I love my family dearly and they mean everything to me but I can’t remember a Christmas that I haven’t spent with Alex. She was always here for the whole night of Christmas Eve and then breakfast Christmas morning. And even though, she always had to leave before the rest of presents, seeing her first thing in the morning had become comforting, expected, and kind of like a tradition. And though, everyone was going on like they didn’t notice her absence too, I could tell that they did. And that just further proved that I couldn’t live without her in my life. If all we’d ever be was friends, that would be fine because she’d be here every year, with me and my family, and we’d get to be complete and whole again, for that one time throughout the entire year, we’d have the feeling that our entire family was together, like it was meant and supposed to be.
I look down at my lap, to the present that my sister had just handed me, the one from Alex. Feeling their eyes on me, I look around to them all before giving a small smile and standing up to head to my room to open it in private. No one said anything or tried to stop me either.
Sitting on my bed, I turn the present around in my hands a couple times before finally dropping it softly on my lap and reading the tag once more; To: Kellz, Much love: Ali
, and then opening it slowly and carefully. Once the paper is free of the box, I let it fall to the floor softly and start to open the box.
With all the paper and bubble wrap joining the paper on the floor, I’m left staring at a small snow globe of all things representing North Dakota, my ipod- which I’ve been looking for, with a small note attached telling me to listen to the Ali
playlist, and an envelope. Turning the snow globe over in my hands a few times, I can’t help but smile. Then I get up and place my ipod into my ihome and start the correct playlist without even looking at the songs in it. Turning back to my bed and to the only part left, I get comfortable and slowly open the letter.
Just as I’m finishing reading it for the third, or maybe forth, time, my phone starts going off as the playlist ends. Reaching for my phone and hitting the ‘talk’ button without taking my eyes off the letter, I say hello.
“Um, hey.” My smile widens at hearing her voice and I suddenly feel a huge weight off my shoulders and relief like I’ve never known. ‘I’m home.’
is all that I can think. “Um, well, could you come over? I believe that we need to talk.”
Nodding, though she can’t see me, I respond “Yea, we do. I’ll be over in ten minutes.” With a small ‘bye’ she hangs up and I’ve never felt lighter.
Not even ten minutes later, I’m in her hallway and pressing the buzzer for her door. You can’t truly call it a door bell because it sounds nothing like a bell and really does just buzz, it pretty weird actually. Shortly after the sound stops, and all is quiet, she opens the door with a hesitant smile. Moving over slightly to give me room to move by and opening the door wider, I accept the invite and step around her and into the small living room area of her modest apartment.
I really just love the homey feel of it. I helped her to find it and pick it out because I wanted her to be safe and close to my mom if she were to ever need anything but not to mention I really wanted to make sure that she didn’t get taken advantage of or end up in a bad neighborhood. Just my natural protectiveness for her taking over, and she let me do it all without question and complaint. I smile at her as she sits down on the couch and motions for me to do that same.
Even with everything that happened last night, it’s not awkward, like you would come to expect, though neither of us are truly relaxed either, it’s not uncomfortable. I look her over and can tell that she’s been crying recently and my heart quenches at the thought that I caused it. I’d never hurt her or want to have her experience any kind of pain if at all possible, but I know that it isn’t possible and is just a way of life. But even just the thought that I’m the cause of her pain, well, it seriously feels like my heart is dying right now.
Releasing a heavy and deep breath, she looks at me and tries to smile. I wait patiently for her to start whenever she is ready. I see the box with the ring in it sitting, opened, on the coffee table, so I know that she read the note that was with it. And I smile even bigger at the thought of the letter that she left me. This could and will all work out and be fine.
Turning back to her, I give her my best encouraging look and smile and with another breath, she starts to speak slowly. “Thank you for the gifts, and please thank your family for me.” I nod to acknowledge her request, but know better than to say anything just yet. “Um, well, the letter was so sweet and unexpected and I know how you feel. And believe me, I’ve always known that you’d be there if and when I really needed you. And I have needed you so much these past few years, but I didn’t want to cause any problems in your relationship. And even still, I’d hate to think I was the cause of you guys breaking up or of a fight. I just couldn’t bare to have that guilt on my shoulders that I caused you that sadness or pain.” She pauses for a minute and I can tell that she’s sorting through her thoughts. She looks up and meets my gaze and I smile at her, which she returns before continuing. “I love you too Kell. I have for so long. And I just…” as she pauses this time, I move closer to her and don’t give her a chance to continue. I bring my lips to hers softly in a slow, sweet kiss. Just seconds later, I pull back and smile at her again and take my turn to speak.
“I know. I read your letter too. And I’m so very sorry for how she treated you and that I didn’t pay more attention or stop it. But that’s all over now. She’s out of the picture forever. And all we have to worry about now, is us.” She smiles brightly at me before crushing her lips to mine, causing us to fall back on the couch with her laying on top of me. I could really get used to this.
I smile into the kiss and return her actions, with ones of my own, till we part for some much needed air. She looks down on me with her sparkling hazel eyes and slightly swollen lips, and she’s never been more beautiful. “I love you.” I whisper up to her, my hands cupping her face gently.
“I love you too Kell.” She whispers back before meeting my lips again.