Ah, him. HE is my best friend; the one constant in my life. He has always been there for everything and anything of any importance in my life. My junior and senior proms. My high school graduation. The day I received my acceptance letter to Yale. My graduation from Yale. And that’s just to name the biggest moments thus far. He is my life. He is my love, although he doesn’t know that and probably never will. He is truly the only person I can count on. He is Kellan Lutz.

    And who am I? I’m Alexia Mitchell, better known as Alex. I’m 24, well as of a couple week ago, average height and weight, brown hair and hazel eyes. You’re normal, average looking girl next door type. But as for non-physical attributes: I received my degree in pediatrics from Yale University School of Medicine in June of 2008. I now live in Arizona, but was born in North Dakota, and work at a hospital in the pediatrics department. I love reading and writing in my spare time, and enjoy all types of music.

    As for my family, they still live in North Dakota. Well, my dad does. My mom passed away when I was little, and then a year later I met Kellan, I was 8 and he was 9. When my mom ‘left’, my dad had to work twice as hard to raise us; me and my brother, who I never see and hardly ever talk to. And soon, Dad became all about work and nothing else.

    Kellan came into my life at just the right time though, right at the start of my dad never being there, and he helped to make me not feel so lonely, at least until he moved away with his family. But even then, he managed to always be there and support me when it mattered and was needed most.

    And since I was old enough to travel alone, I have spent every Christmas Eve with Kellan and his family, always having fly back early Christmas morning. And that is where I am now, watching Miracle on 34th Street, like every year. Unlike previous years, but like the last couple, I haven’t really paid too much attention to the movies or conversation. Though I have enjoyed getting to see and hang out with Kellan again, especially since this time of year is one of the few times that I‘ve gotten to these last few years. In fact, this used to be the highlight of my year, every year; the one time that I looked forward to the most.

    But as of two years ago, Christmas Eve 2007, when he first brought her along with him. Which was all fine and everything, I get, well maybe got is better usage, along with her fine. But with each passing year and Christmas Eve, this one being the worst so far, she has seemingly gotten more mad at me or jealous of me or something. I’m not too sure. But she has become steadily more rude and mean to me whenever we stay in the same place together for too long, too long being longer than five minutes. This seems all fine and dandy right? I mean, girlfriends will usually get mad or jealous of a close girl friend, right? Well, anyway, it would be fine and everything if she hadn’t been coming to his family’s Christmas Eve dinner for these last 2 years with attitude making my holiday worse and worse with each passing year.

    Her name is Sarah and she’s your ideal ‘model/ head cheerleader’ type. Tall, thin but not ‘sickly’ thin, toned, blonde- all natural too, bright green eyes, gorgeous and perfectly white smile, and the best personality. Everything that most women LOVE to hate and can‘t help but hate. However, you honestly can’t truly hate her. She is the nicest and most sincere person ever, well to everyone except me. And, not to mention, absolutely perfect for Kellan.

    But she used to be that way to me as well. However, once her and Kellan made it to the one year mark, and she spent her first Christmas with his family, that all changed. My only, and best, guess is that on that Christmas Eve, she saw just how close we are and decided, like most women would I guess, that she could change that and get us to not be so close. And it is slowly but surely working, whether he realizes it or not, I don’t know. But with each passing year, something else changes and I no longer feel comfortable here in this house.

    I’m brought out of my thoughts when I feel someone sit down next to me on the couch. I look around the room at everyone and see that they are all watching the movie intently. I glance beside me, seeing that Kellan is the one that sat down. We share a brief smile before turning back to the movie. As I’m turning back though, I see Sarah out of the corner of my eye. Meeting her eyes, I can see the jealousy in them, with just an undertone of hate, making me think back to my previous thoughts. Maybe it is just better if I move on and try to start a new tradition, instead of ‘clinging’ and ‘following’ Kellan around.

    I release a sigh, that’s evidently louder than I thought, cause I feel Kellan shift and can see his head turn to look at me in my periphery. I try to ignore him as I see him study me. After a few minutes, I finally turn and meet his eyes and within them I can see the confusion, worry, and pain. I try to smile at him, but he looks so lost in that moment, that I just can’t muster up that fake smile I’ve been using the last couple years.

    Suddenly, he gets up, grabs my hand pulling me up with him. He walks us into the kitchen, where his mom and sister are finishing up dinner. He goes over to the coat hooks by the door, and grabs both our coats before turning back to me and holding mine up to me. I stay where I am, giving him a confused look. After about one whole minute, I sigh again and walk over to him, turning so he can help me into my coat.

    As he’s putting his coat on, he speaks for the first time, but not to me. “Hey, Ma, we’re going for a walk, we’ll be back in about 10 minutes, don’t wait for us if dinner is done before we get back though.” I look at him with confusion again, before turning to catch his mom looking between the two of us with the same look.

    After looking between us a handful of times and exchanging a look with her daughter, she nods but doesn’t say anything. And that seems to be enough for him because he grabs my hand and opens the back door with the other.

    Not letting go of my hand, or saying anything, he leads the way out into the night. I look around us, trying to get my bearings and figure out where he could be taking me. Finally, once we’re about three blocks away, he walks into a play ground and to an old swing set. Releasing my hand, he sits on one of the swings and sways back and forth slowly before looking up to me, studying me for a couple seconds before saying anything.

    “I used to come here to think all the time back in high school. It was one of the few places I felt like I could truly get away from everything.” He looks around the playground and I follow suit, looking around as well, and suddenly remember him bringing me here one other time, my very first Christmas Eve with him, that was 8 years ago.

     Looking back at him to find him watching and studying me again, I nod and walk to sit in the swing next to him. “I remember. You brought me here that first year that I got to come see you.” He nods and looks down, watching his feet swing back and forth but never leaving the ground. Now I study him and can tell that he’s lost in thought, but seems that he has a lot he wants to say, he just doesn’t know how to say it or where to start. I look away and instead stare up at the clear sky and admire the stars, giving him the time that I know he needs to get his thoughts together.

    “I know that something has changed with you these last few years. You have everyone else fooled into believing that you enjoy yourself and that your smiles are genuine, but I know that they aren’t. I just can’t figure out why.” I look at him but he’s still just staring down at his feet, but now I can tell that he’s not really looking or seeing them. “I mean, I’d like to think that it doesn’t have anything to do with me or that you don’t only come now because you feel like you have to be with me and my family every year. But I don’t know. I can tell that this year is worse than last and last was worse than the year before. So, it leaves me not so sure about what it is that makes you get so lost in your thoughts so often throughout the night or why you are no longer enjoying and looking forward to Christmas with me.” I watch him, waiting to see if he’s going to look up or continue talking. When he does neither. I start swinging too, in the same fashion as he is and look back to the stars trying to blink away my tears.

    “Kell, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And I’m sorry that I’ve been this way. I just… I just don’t…” I drift off, trying to find the right words to explain it without having to lie but also without telling the whole truth and therefore hurting his feelings and possibly his ‘perfect’ relationship. I couldn’t forgive myself if I caused anything bad to happen in his life.

    “Why are you lying to me?” I look at him and am met with his watery blues.

    “I’m not” but before I can finish he cuts me off.

    “Well, you certainly aren’t telling me the truth Ali. I’ve known you too long to know how you are and work. You may not be lying because you know that I would know, but you are definitely trying to find the best medium so that you don’t tell me the truth too. And I can’t for the life of me figure out why or when we started only sharing half truths with each other.” I look into his eyes for only a couple more seconds before looking back to the sky.

    Releasing a heavy breath, I let it all out. Everything that has been bothering me these last few years. Everything that Sarah has ever said to me when his back was turned. Everything that I’ve been feeling. Well, almost everything. I can’t tell him all of it. He’s in a relationship after all, and even if he wasn’t, I can’t see it ever happening or him ever truly caring in that way. Once I’m finished, I continue to look at the sky but stop moving my swing. I only look to him, when he grabs the chain closest to him and pulls me slightly closer to him.

    And for once, I honestly can’t read him. Whatever emotion he is feeling right now, I can’t make it out and can honestly say that I’ve never seen him express it before. He slowly brings his own swing closer to me, still pulling mine to him, until he can’t get us any closer. My eyes dart between both of his and then his lips when he starts speaking for the first time since I let the wall fall, opened the dam and let the whole truth flow.

    “Do you remember the first time I brought you here and we were pointing out all the different constellations to each other?” I nod to answer him and encourage him on, not sure where this is going. “Do you remember, right when we were bickering over Orion’s Belt and if what I pointed out was really it, what I told you that night?” I thought back, searching my brain for something, anything. But before I could find the info he wanted, he answered himself. “I told you that you are never alone. And that you never have to be alone again. That I am always here with you, for you, and am only a phone call and short plane ride away whenever you need me.” I look into his eyes and nod once, slowly, as he moves closer still. “And that all still stands Alex. It will never change, and no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever change that.” I nod again, but this time, it causes our noses to brush together softly. “Just never forget that, ok?” He whispers and I look into his eyes again, and I can see that he relaxed a little bit, and I know that he knows that I won’t forget again. “Ok, good.” He says softly, the movement causing his lips to brush against mine.

    Glancing down to his lips and back to his eyes, I can tell that he wants my approval. “Kellan” I whisper softly, but I’m sure he hears it. My brow furrows in confusion, thinking about Sarah, and how this really can’t happen. But it smooths out when I think that I’ve been waiting and wanting this for so long, too long, and that he was mine first. No, maybe not in the boyfriend sense, but definitely in the friend and ‘knowing of’ sense.

    “Alexia” and that’s all he gets out before his lips meet mine softly. And for the first few seconds, neither of us move. We just stay put, with our lips resting softly together, and for me, relishing in the feel of my lips on his. And as everything else fades away, and it’s just us in the entire universe, he starts to gently massage his lips with my own. Slowly taking my bottom lip between his, his lips caress it before his tongue slips out and gently runs along it before he switches to my top lip and giving it the same treatment.

    As he continues in the same soft, gentle, and loving manner, I’m aching to experience the feel of our tongues brushing together. And at the exact moment that thought runs though my mind, he runs his tongue along both of my lips, silently and politely asking for entrance. And having never been one to deny him anything, I allow it. And in that one single moment of our tongues massaging each others for the first time, the world stops and I’m complete and whole for the first time in my entire life. Then, as all good must come to an end, and in my normal fashion, I completely destroy it.

    The moment he breaks away for us to both get some much needed air, his lips softly and slowly making their way to my neck, I breathe the one word and name that can totally rip my heart out and stop him at the same time. “Sarah.” And as I thought, he stops instantly. His lips freezing against my jaw. I slowly bring my hands from his hair, not even remembering how or when they got there, and rest them on his chest and push him away softly.

    And if I thought that just saying her name broke my heart, the look that he has and the emotion he is expressing in his eyes, is enough to throw my heart in a blender and then run it through a shredder. I look down, hoping that he didn’t catch the emotion in my eyes as well, but I don’t have that much luck.

    “Alexia.” When I don’t look up, he softly grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger, bringing my face up to be level with his again. “Ali, please?” And in that one moment, the tears fall. I shake my head softly and pull completely away from him, standing up and walking back towards the street. “Ali!” I don’t even pause, just keep walking in the opposite direction of his mom’s house but towards my apartment complex. “ALEX!” I stop, not to listen to him, but to look both ways before crossing the four way stop. Unfortunately, for me at least, he reaches me and grabs my arm gently, spinning me around to look at him. I try not to meet his eyes, but mine missed the memo and that’s the first place they go, and once locked, I can’t look away no matter how much I want to. “Please? Just don’t walk away from me.” I don’t say anything, I can’t say anything. “What just happened, no matter how much I should, I can’t say that it was a mistake. I mean, it was the single most”

    Finally looking away, I brush his hand from my arm and try to ignore that I now feel so much colder, and force myself to say the words that I know will just kill me but need to be said. “I know. It was the single most… most… regretful thing that we could ever do.” I turn around and start to cross the street but he rushes to block me and places both hands on my shoulders, holding me in place.

    “You don’t mean that. And I could never regret that kiss. It seriously just stopped me from making the stupidest and biggest mistake of my life.” I look anywhere but at him, and try to brush his hands off me, but no such luck. “You can’t mean that Ali.” And at that point, the hurt in his voice gets to me, and I meet his filled to the brim eyes. At seeing his hopeless and pain filled face, I loose the last strand of control I have and two fat tears run down my face, over my jaw, and down my neck before being absorbed in the collar of my coat. His grip loosens on me and I step back from him.

    “I…” I look around us and the streets are completely deserted. Looking back to him, I finish my thought while walking around him again and continuing to my cold, empty apartment. “I need to go. Tell everyone Merry Christmas for me.” With that, I race across the street, not looking back until I’m safely tucked away in darkness, and he’s still in the same position, back to me, under the street light. I force myself to turn back around and continue on my way, instead of running back to him like my heart is wanting so badly to do.


    I stand here, staring at the space that she just occupied. And for all the life within me, I can’t make the tears that fill my eyes, blurring my vision, fall. I have no reference of time or anything anymore. It’s all out the window. It all broke through the glass and wall, leaving me, the moment that her lips touched mine. And in that one tiniest moment, all my priorities changed, my whole life’s purpose was shifted. And right now, that number one priority and purpose is alone, cold, and crying. And I’m helpless to do anything about it and I couldn’t stop her when I had the chance.

    Still willing the tears that I so desperately need to shed to fall, I find myself back home, staring at the door, and unable to open it. But now, I find myself wondering how long I’ve been gone and just how, exactly, I got back.

    I continue to ponder this thought, before finally opening the door when I notice that my eyes are dry again. I walk straight into the living room, trying not to think too hard about the only two plates left on the dining room table. However, once I enter the room, all eyes are on me, looking expectantly. I shrug my shoulders and sit in the chair furthest away from everyone that I can manage without too many questions.

    “Where’s Alex?” I look to my brother, studying him for a minute.

    “Um, she had to go home. But wanted me to wish everyone a Merry Christmas for her.” I look at my hands briefly before my mom speaks next.

    “Oh, ok. I’m sure we’ll see her soon. We do have to get her presents to her after all.” I look to her and can tell that was said for my benefit. I give her a small smile for the effort. “I made a plate up for you, it’s in the microwave.” I nod softly in acknowledgment though honestly just the thought of food right now makes me nauseous.

    “Well, anyway. Since he’s back, can we open presents now?” I roll my eyes at my sister, though I still smile at her too. Mom nods and everyone heads into the kitchen to get the hot chocolate, as is tradition. I stay in my chair and look at the presents under the tree. And what I got for both Alex and Sarah flashes through my mind before I get an idea and smile a huge smile as I get up and walk over to the presents, quickly finding the two I’m looking for. I switch the name tags swiftly and am back in my chair looking like I never moved when they file back in taking their previous seats, though this time, Sarah comes and sits on the arm of my chair.

    As my sister plays Santa and hands one present to everyone in the room, I study Sarah’s profile and interaction with my family. And the more I think about it the more I can see that she doesn’t genuinely like them or enjoy being here with them, and vice versa. But I can see that she does look slightly more comfortable now then when Alex was here. Shaking my head of my thoughts as I’m handed a present, I look down at the tag and hand it back.

    “What? You always open Alex’s gift first. Even back when you guys had to mail gifts to each other.”

    “I know, but this year, I just feel like I should open it last.” She shrugs and puts it back under the tree and hands me another one. I nod in appreciation. And with that, everyone starts opening their presents. I let mine sit on my lap and instead choose to watch Sarah open ‘hers’ from me. And as I hoped and expected, her reaction is one of disbelief and distaste.

    “What the hell is this!” She raises her voice, successfully gaining the attention of everyone in the room.

    “What do you mean babe? It’s you’re present.”

    “You can’t be serious?” She says turning to look at me before standing from the chair. I nod to her and turn my attention to my unopened present, like it’s the most interesting thing ever.

    “But this… this… is so… tacky. There is absolutely no emotion behind this kind of a gift. A two year old could have done something better than this.” And I hate to say it, but that hit me in the gut. There was plenty of ‘emotion’ in that gift. Alex would have loved it and laughed at the so called tacky gift. In my semi-blind ‘rage’ I stand up and meet her confrontation.

    “There is plenty of emotion in that gift. I painted it myself. If it is so ‘tacky’ than give it back and I’ll give it to someone who will and can appreciate me taking the time and effort to do that for them.” I grab the plate from her hand as she continues to stare at me shocked that I actually raised my voice to her in that way.

    “What? Like who? You’re precious little Alex?” Ah, there it is. Exactly the opening I was waiting for. I smirk at her and she takes a step back, clearly understanding that I was just hoping for her to bring her up.

    “Yes! Exactly like Alex. She is most definitely twice the person than you will ever be! No matter how hard to try, you can’t fool me. I know that you have done nothing but be rude and down right mean to her. I actually knew it before she told me everything that you’ve said to her tonight, though I did have to force it out of her because she’s just the type of person to actually not want to ruin relationships. But I had no idea just how bad it actually was. And if you think that you can get away with treating my best friend that way and I wouldn’t care to do anything about it, you have a whole other thing coming. She is a part of this family before you ever will be! And if you can’t be secure enough with yourself to deal with that, then I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with someone like you and you can just leave right now and never look back.”

    She stands there gaping at me for a minute before slowly looking around the room at my family. She looks back at me and shakes her head before storming off to get her coat and purse. We hear the door slam, and no sooner than it does, I’m enveloped by my brothers and tackled to the floor with them hooting and hollering that ‘It was about damn time.’

    They all finally climb off me and go back to there seats and my sister and mom walk up to me. They both give me a hug before turning back to the presents and going about our whole night as if nothing ever happened.

    As everyone is laughing and enjoying themselves, I can’t help but feel something, more like someone, is missing. And as much as I am to be relieved to have that load of weight off my shoulders with Sarah finally gone, it definitely felt a ton better than this huge whole that is in my heart with Alex not being here to enjoy this experience with me and my family.

    I woke up this morning, after having not been able to fall asleep till only a couple hours ago, very determined to get my point across. That kiss was the single most meaningful and absolute best thing to have ever happened in my 24 years of life on this earth. I can’t let her believe that I regret it for one more moment.

    I walk into the living room, to see all the presents that are from Mom to us kids still under the tree and the mess from the night before completely cleaned up as if it was never there to begin with. Walking over to the box that we put all of Alex’s gifts in the night before, I add a newly wrapped one to the pile, with one simple request on the tag, and pick up the box before heading into the kitchen.

    Reaching the door, I sit it on a small table and quickly put my shoes and coat on before leaving the house. Minutes later, I’m pulling up outside her apartment building. I look at the window that I know to be hers and see that there is a light on. Putting the car in park on the side of the road, I get out, grab the box, and make my way to the desk in the lobby.

    After a minute or so, someone comes to greet me. Once the small talk and pleasantries are out of the way, she tells me I can head on up but I stop them short.

    “Actually, I was just wondering if I can leave this here for someone to take it up after I’ve left.” What can I say, I’m a coward. But I know Alex. And as soon as they called to let her know I was here and headed up to see her, she either wouldn’t answer the door or she would but she wouldn’t truly listen to what I have to say. This way, she has to listen because I know her. As soon as she opens that present, and sees what’s inside, her curiosity will get the best of her and she will have to know what the note that is with it says.

    “Um, sir.” Turning my full attention back to the young woman behind the desk, I give her an encouraging look to continue. “I said that I can make sure that she receives this as soon as you’re gone, but that it might be better for you to just take it up yourself.”

    Giving her my sweetest smile, I explain myself in the best possible way without letting all my business out there for the world to see, well hear. “Well, I understand that, but we kind of had a… disagreement, a misunderstanding more like, last night, and I’m not sure that she’ll want to see me right now. But in light of the holiday, I wanted to make sure she got her presents from my family today. So, if you really don’t mind, I’d prefer not to be the one to take them to her.” She looks at the box briefly and then back to me and nods softly in understanding before taking the box from me. “Thank you so much. You’re a sweetheart.” I smile at her again before leaving and shouting “Merry Christmas” over my shoulder at her. She smiles and returns the sentiment.

    Getting in my car, I look at Alex’s window again before driving off around the block before deciding to just head home and wait for her to call.


    I wake up to the buzzer going off signaling someone at my door. Slowly, I get up and take in my surroundings. My living room floor. Perfect. I grab another tissue as the buzzer goes off again and wipe my eyes before blowing my nose and head to the door, praying I don’t look like total crap for whoever is on the other side. After I swing the door open, I notice Leah, one of the girls that work at the lobby desk. She’s carrying a box, of what I’m not sure because I can’t see what’s in it from this angle, but it looks slightly heavy.

    “Um, hi Leah, Merry Christmas.” She smiles at me briefly before moving to hand me the box.

    “This was just dropped off for you. But they insisted on me bringing it up to you, so here I am. It feels like you got some pretty great stuff.” She smiles again before starting to turn away when I have a good grip on the box. “I have to get back to the desk, but Merry Christmas Alex.” With another small smile, she turns and is already halfway down the hall before I fully take in what she said and realize what this box is full of. And sure enough, when I look down, I see Christmas presents. Sighing, I turn to head back to the living room and close the door softly behind me.

    Sitting the box on the coffee table, I head into the kitchen to get a pot of coffee started and then to my room to change from yesterday’s clothes and clean up a little. Going back into the kitchen for my cup of coffee, I head back into the living room. Turning the TV on to nothing in particular, mostly just for the noise, I take a sip of my coffee before finally turning back to the box.

    I move to it and start taking the gifts out of it and placing them on the table, reading each tag as I remove it. Once the last one is on the table, I pick up the one, that as instructed, I am supposed to open first. It’s a small box, wrapped in plain silver paper. I carefully unwrap it, dropping the paper into the box and stare at the small white box, that can only be the home of a velvet jewelry box. Releasing a breath I didn’t realize I was holding, I pull the lid off and turn the bottom up for the slightly smaller box to fall out. Staring at the black velvet box, I barely notice the paper that falls to the carpet once the box lands in my hand. But I do and bend to pick it up, placing the paper on the table, I turn my attention back to the box in my hand. Releasing a heavy sigh, I slowly open the lid, somewhat afraid of what it might be.

    Upon seeing what’s in the box, I can’t help but to stare at it completely confused. A ring. But not just any ring. An engagement ring. So, he got me an engagement ring? That doesn’t any sense. Remembering the note that was with it, I place the box on the coffee table, still opened and reach for the note, not hesitating to open it, and immediately recognize his messy script.

    Ali,
        I know that this is not what you were expecting, but I also know that this is the only way that I could truly get you to listen to and hear everything that I need to say.

        Ok, so first off. The ring isn’t yours or even meant for you. It was meant for Sarah. And I so seriously stress the was in that statement. This is what I meant when I said that the kiss we shared last night stopped me from making the biggest and stupidest mistake of my life. I was going to propose right after presents last night, but after that kiss, I knew that she isn’t who I’m meant to spend my life with, so I just couldn’t do it.

        Now, with that said. I have to make sure that you know that no matter what I could never regret that kiss. For the reason mentioned above, but also because I felt something that I never thought possible and never believed would be returned to me from you. And that is love. Now with that part said, I owe you an explanation. So, just bare with me on this. I have to get this right. Man, you’d think that after 8 some odd years, I’d know exactly what I’d want to say in this situation. But anyway, ok, so here it goes.

        I love you. And I have for the longest time. And the sad part is, that I’ve tried numerous times to pin point the exact time that my feelings changed towards you, but have always come up empty. I can say though, that I have fallen deeper in love with you with each passing day. And I just never imagine it to be possible that you would or could ever share those feelings for me. And because of that… denial, maybe, and blindness, I was willing to just settle for the next best thing. But then I got swept in the moment and just in you in general, and gave in to my temptation and desire for you and kissed you. And at that moment that our lips met for the first time, I couldn’t have ever, and honestly never have and won’t again unless it’s with you, felt more whole and complete. And that made me see that I don’t deserve to just settle and that I do deserve to get what I need and truly want. Which is you. And to be with you, for as long as you’ll have me.

        Now, since that is said, I have to say this too. If you don’t want me in that way, I can learn to deal with it and go back to just friends. It’ll be hard, yes, but I’d have to do it because in the moment that you turned and walked away from me last night, I died inside. And I saw that I can truly never live a day without you in my life in some way. And then when you ran away and never even came back or turned around, I began to think that maybe you could stand to live without me. I hope that’s not the case and that this is all one huge misunderstanding. But if not… well, I’m honestly not too sure what I’d do or what would happen.

        So, I’m saying all this in the hope that you will at least just talk to me. Let me know that you are still there. But Ali, still no matter what, just remember that you will never be alone. I’ll always be here for you and love you.
                                Loving you deeply,
                                    Kellan

    After reading the letter about 10 more times, with tears flowing and adding to his stains on the paper, I quickly run to my purse, to retrieve my phone.


    Everyone was up and having breakfast when I returned to the house. I sat at the table with them, but didn’t really feel like eating too much. Once everything was cleared and cleaned, we all head into the living room to open the presents from Mom.

    I sit here, in the same chair as the night before, not really paying attention to anything that’s happening or that I’ve received. I look around to my whole family and have to smile that they are so happy and content. I remember a time when that was all I needed too, just to be with my family and nothing else, to feel that way. Now, though, knowing that Alex isn’t here and is alone, I can’t help but feel somewhat alone myself. I love my family dearly and they mean everything to me but I can’t remember a Christmas that I haven’t spent with Alex. She was always here for the whole night of Christmas Eve and then breakfast Christmas morning. And even though, she always had to leave before the rest of presents, seeing her first thing in the morning had become comforting, expected, and kind of like a tradition. And though, everyone was going on like they didn’t notice her absence too, I could tell that they did. And that just further proved that I couldn’t live without her in my life. If all we’d ever be was friends, that would be fine because she’d be here every year, with me and my family, and we’d get to be complete and whole again, for that one time throughout the entire year, we’d have the feeling that our entire family was together, like it was meant and supposed to be.

    I look down at my lap, to the present that my sister had just handed me, the one from Alex. Feeling their eyes on me, I look around to them all before giving a small smile and standing up to head to my room to open it in private. No one said anything or tried to stop me either.

    Sitting on my bed, I turn the present around in my hands a couple times before finally dropping it softly on my lap and reading the tag once more; To: Kellz, Much love: Ali, and then opening it slowly and carefully. Once the paper is free of the box, I let it fall to the floor softly and start to open the box.

    With all the paper and bubble wrap joining the paper on the floor, I’m left staring at a small snow globe of all things representing North Dakota, my ipod- which I’ve been looking for, with a small note attached telling me to listen to the Ali playlist, and an envelope. Turning the snow globe over in my hands a few times, I can’t help but smile. Then I get up and place my ipod into my ihome and start the correct playlist without even looking at the songs in it. Turning back to my bed and to the only part left, I get comfortable and slowly open the letter.

    Just as I’m finishing reading it for the third, or maybe forth, time, my phone starts going off as the playlist ends. Reaching for my phone and hitting the ‘talk’ button without taking my eyes off the letter, I say hello.

    “Um, hey.” My smile widens at hearing her voice and I suddenly feel a huge weight off my shoulders and relief like I’ve never known. ‘I’m home.’ is all that I can think. “Um, well, could you come over? I believe that we need to talk.”

    Nodding, though she can’t see me, I respond “Yea, we do. I’ll be over in ten minutes.” With a small ‘bye’ she hangs up and I’ve never felt lighter.

    Not even ten minutes later, I’m in her hallway and pressing the buzzer for her door. You can’t truly call it a door bell because it sounds nothing like a bell and really does just buzz, it pretty weird actually. Shortly after the sound stops, and all is quiet, she opens the door with a hesitant smile. Moving over slightly to give me room to move by and opening the door wider, I accept the invite and step around her and into the small living room area of her modest apartment.

    I really just love the homey feel of it. I helped her to find it and pick it out because I wanted her to be safe and close to my mom if she were to ever need anything but not to mention I really wanted to make sure that she didn’t get taken advantage of or end up in a bad neighborhood. Just my natural protectiveness for her taking over, and she let me do it all without question and complaint. I smile at her as she sits down on the couch and motions for me to do that same.

    Even with everything that happened last night, it’s not awkward, like you would come to expect, though neither of us are truly relaxed either, it’s not uncomfortable. I look her over and can tell that she’s been crying recently and my heart quenches at the thought that I caused it. I’d never hurt her or want to have her experience any kind of pain if at all possible, but I know that it isn’t possible and is just a way of life. But even just the thought that I’m the cause of her pain, well, it seriously feels like my heart is dying right now.

    Releasing a heavy and deep breath, she looks at me and tries to smile. I wait patiently for her to start whenever she is ready. I see the box with the ring in it sitting, opened, on the coffee table, so I know that she read the note that was with it. And I smile even bigger at the thought of the letter that she left me. This could and will all work out and be fine.

    Turning back to her, I give her my best encouraging look and smile and with another breath, she starts to speak slowly. “Thank you for the gifts, and please thank your family for me.” I nod to acknowledge her request, but know better than to say anything just yet. “Um, well, the letter was so sweet and unexpected and I know how you feel. And believe me, I’ve always known that you’d be there if and when I really needed  you. And I have needed you so much these past few years, but I didn’t want to cause any problems in your relationship. And even still, I’d hate to think I was the cause of you guys breaking up or of a fight. I just couldn’t bare to have that guilt on my shoulders that I caused you that sadness or pain.” She pauses for a minute and I can tell that she’s sorting through her thoughts. She looks up and meets my gaze and I smile at her, which she returns before continuing. “I love you too Kell. I have for so long. And I just…” as she pauses this time, I move closer to her and don’t give her a chance to continue. I bring my lips to hers softly in a slow, sweet kiss. Just seconds later, I pull back and smile at her again and take my turn to speak.

    “I know. I read your letter too. And I’m so very sorry for how she treated you and that I didn’t pay more attention or stop it. But that’s all over now. She’s out of the picture forever. And all we have to worry about now, is us.” She smiles brightly at me before crushing her lips to mine, causing us to fall back on the couch with her laying on top of me. I could really get used to this. I smile into the kiss and return her actions, with ones of my own, till we part for some much needed air. She looks down on me with her sparkling hazel eyes and slightly swollen lips, and she’s never been more beautiful. “I love you.” I whisper up to her, my hands cupping her face gently.

    “I love you too Kell.” She whispers back before meeting my lips again.

Hello everyone! Here's the latest chapter! I just wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! =)

    As the day wore on, I still couldn’t believe the present that Shawn got me. The excitement was just as strong, but at the same time, the more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder just how she was able to buy it and make it happen.

    But all in all, it was a great day. Everyone came over for dinner, and we all got everything that we wanted from ‘Santa’. None of us could seriously ask for anything more for Christmas.


    I woke up today, feeling refreshed, but even more confused than before about the trip that Shawn got us. After cleaning up and getting dressed for the day, just in some ‘lounge’ clothes, I went down for breakfast. And apparently, I’m the first one up, that doesn’t happen often, well ever actually.

    “Good morning Jess.” I about jump out of my skin before turning around to see Mom carrying bags upon bags in from the garage.

    “Good morning Mom. Do you need some help?”

    “Oh, yes, that’d be great sweetie. The sales this morning were just too good to pass up.” She laughs a little as I walk to her and grab half of what she is carrying into the living room and then head back out to the car to get the rest while she looks over everything that she bought.
    “Well, that’s all of it, from what I can see anyway.” I give her a small smile before I head back to the kitchen.

    “Ok, thank you Jess.” And then I stop and turn to her, getting an idea.

    “You’re welcome.” I fidget for a second, running what would be the best thing to say through my mind before I settle with the straight forward approach, also known as being very blunt. “How did Shawn pay for the trip?” She immediately stops her rummaging and looks at me startled for a minute.

    “Oh, well, I think that you just need to ask her that.”

    “But you do know how she did, right?”

    “Well, yes, I wondered the same thing when Debbie called wanting to discuss it and everything. I was just at a loss for how a 16 year old, in her position and from her background, was able to buy such a nice trip. And it is a very nice and well thought out trip. Now just to make sure that you are able to go with how busy your schedule usually is with any breaks that you have from school, that will be the hard part. But I will try my hardest to make sure that you can go with her. But anyway, you do need to ask her how she paid for it, if you want to know.” She turned back to what she had been doing and I walked into the kitchen to finally get me something to eat.

    As the last month has passed, I still haven’t been able to ask Shawn about the trip and where she got the money for it. Cowardly, yes. But I’m kind of scared of the answer. Though, I know that it can’t be anything bad because she’s just not that way, but I just can’t shake those kind of thought completely from my mind, as much as I want to.

    But the guys have decided to help me out. When she calls Frankie, he’s going to put her on speaker phone, and then they are going to talk for a little bit and then bring up the trip. Joking around about why they don’t get to come and other stuff like that. Then, Greg is going to ask about how she was able to afford it because it looks like quite the trip. And if she says, I’ll finally know and drop it. If she doesn’t, well, I won’t know and I’ll still drop it. It’s a win/win/lose situation, and I’m going to let the ‘lose’ drop if need be.

    Frank’s phone rang about five minutes ago. And since he has yet to mention that we’re all here or that we want to talk to her too, we’re starting to think that it isn’t Shawn he talking to. That is, until, about 10 minutes later, he sits down on the couch and places the phone on the coffee table.

    “Hey guys!” I smile when I hear her voice and look around to guys’ expressions as well.

    “Hey girly. How’ve you been?” I watch to gage Greg’s reaction, as she answers him. From what he had said earlier, he hadn’t gotten to talk to her in a couple weeks.

    “I’ve been good. How ‘bout you guys?” Everyone answered her and caught up on each others’ lives. And so, the ‘plan’ went into motion. It was about 20 minutes later when Greg brought the trip up.

    “So, Shawn, we’ve heard all about this trip that you got Jess. Now, why don’t we all get to go too?” She chuckled as she answered him.

    “Well, I did think about it. But that would have been too expensive not to mention too hard to organize and arrange, what with having to talk with all your parents and mine as well.” She responded with a giggle.

    “Oh, well, what we weren’t worth all trouble?” Frankie joked with her as we all laughed.

    “Of course you all are. It was just too expensive. But you never know what the future holds.”

    “Yea, that is true. We will all be able to take a trip together one day, I’m sure it will happen eventually.”

    “Yea, that’s true. So, just curious, how were you able to afford it anyway?” I looked hard at Matt, he wasn’t the one we had planned to ask that, but oh well, we can’t do anything about that now and at least it still got asked.

    “Oh, well, I have some money in the bank.” And I could just imagine her shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly, like it’s no big deal at all.

    “You just have a couple thousand dollars lying around in the bank?” Greg asks, looking truly confused.

    “Well, no. It’s quite a bit more than that actually. But I don’t get full access to it till I’m 18, but Mom let me use some just for this because she thought it was a good idea too. Though she wouldn’t let me use enough to take everyone on the trip too.”

    “And just how did you come across this money then?” Chris asked, just as curious as the rest of us.

    “Oh, well, my grandpa left it to me when he passed away. So, how’s the whole Dream Street thing going? Any shows recently or coming up?” And just like that, the subject was changed and dropped all at once. We all exchanged a look before Frankie started to answer her questions.

I'm so very sorry for the long wait for this chapter, and in turn so sorry for the fact that it's a short chapter too. I'll be busy this weekend, but am hoping to be able to have the next chapter ready for you all on Monday. =) Let me know what you think and if there is any mistakes. (I'm very busy today and don't have the time to read and re-read more than once like I normally do.) So, ENJOY! And much love! =)



I have been waiting for this day as patiently as I possibly could. And now that it’s here, I’m not sure that I do in fact want to get up to let it pass by as quickly as I know that it’s going to once I finally crawl out of bed. So, therefore, I’ve been laying here, staring at the unopened gift on my dresser, in the semi-dark room for the last hour.

This gift has sat there, in the same place I left it 15 days ago, reminding me of the great friend that I have but can’t be with. And for that reason, and that reason alone, I have made it to where this gift will be the first one I open today. I was supposed to spend Christmas Eve with my dad and his family for dinner and open their presents last night, but I was instructed not to open this gift till today, so instead, he’s going to pick me up at my Grandma’s later to take me to dinner at my other Grandma’s house tonight. Meaning that for the first time since the divorce, I’m actually celebrating Christmas the way it used to be done when my parents were together. And all because of the gift that I’m staring at and want to open but don’t want to get out of bed so that the day won’t go by as fast as I know that it will once I do.
It’s another 30 minutes before Austin knocks on my door to wake me up, as is tradition. When I don’t answer, he opens the door, turns on the light, and pulls the covers completely off my bed. I don’t move an inch.

“Well, you can open it now. I mean, you did rearrange our whole holiday just so that it would be the first one you opened, so hop to it.” He stands there for a few minutes and when I still don’t move, he takes it upon himself to get the present for me. Walking to my dresser, picking it up, and turning towards me, I move for the first time since I woke up, when I rolled over to look at it. He comes to the side of my bed and drops it into my lap, since I’m now sitting up in bed. “There, now breakfast is in 15 minutes, be done and downstairs by then.” With that he turns and leaves my room, actually closing my door for once.

I stare at the gift in my lap for a few minutes before my phone goes off. Without looking away, I grab it and hit the talk button but don’t say anything.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS BABYGIRL!!” I smile big and laugh softly as Jesse screams in my ear.

“Merry Christmas Jess.” I sigh, content, as he chuckles too.

“Ok, so, I have your gift in my lap right now, and I’m sitting it bed waiting for you. So, you ready for this?”

“Yes.” I say softly and I hear him start into the paper of his, and I slowly and carefully start to unwrap my gift too. I’m only about halfway done, when I hear his big intake of breath.

“No way! NO FREAKING WAY!” I laugh heartily at his reaction. “Shawn, how did you pull this off? And…and….what about school…and our families…and…well everything!” I continue to laugh, my gift temporarily forgotten.

“Well, first off, it’s during YOUR Spring break. And mine starts a few days after yours, so you’re flying down here for those couple days before we leave from here. And then our parents talked it over and everything with Austin, and he’s going to be our ‘chaperone’ and ‘guardian’ for the trip since they couldn’t take off of work for that long as easily. And we all have rules that we have to agree to before we are allowed to go, such as grades and everything. Which I have also included in your little packet of info. And, well, honestly, I felt that this was the least I could do for my best friend, who I was so horrible to and totally didn’t need to be given another chance.”

“Ok, but seriously? A week long trip to the BAHAMAS! With no adults! This is way too much Shawn! And makes my gift look like cheap crap!”

I laugh long and hard at his outburst before calming down enough to finally respond. “Oh, well, this is like your birthday and Christmas gifts for the next 5 years, so you had best enjoy it thoroughly.”

“Ha, ha, Shawn. You’re so funny.”

“Oh, I’m not kidding.”

“Yeah, ok, well, thank you so much! This is definitely the best gift EVER! And totally not getting beat for a long ass time.”

“Yeah, well, you’re welcome, and you totally deserve it.”

“Ok, ok, have you opened yours yet?”

“Um, no.”

“Well, get on it. Timmy is starting to get beyond impatient.” We laugh together softly as I finish unwrapping my gift.

“A…box? Why thank you so much Jess, I LOVE it!”

“Ha, ha. Open the box Shawn, jeez.” I laugh and do as he says.

“Awe, Jesse, seriously? How did you even find them?” I can hear the smile in his voice as he starts to talk, but I’m not paying complete attention as I’m too busy staring at the group of CDs in the box and taking them out carefully.

“So, you like it? Really?” I can hear the unnecessary worry in his tone as he finishes his explanation.

“Yes, Jess. I seriously LOVE it! Thank you. I just can’t believe that you remembered, let alone was able to find each one on CD somewhere.” I sit there, as we are both quite for a few minutes, and look over each and every New Kids on the Block CD that they ever had, every album that they ever made, even the Christmas one that I used to own on tape but got lost somewhere in one of the moves we made within that first year after the divorce. “Wow, Jess. Seriously! I just can’t believe you did this for me.”

“If was nothing really. But you’re welcome. I can’t believe that you booked us a trip! I so can’t wait and March totally can’t come fast enough now.” I laugh again before I hear Austin yelling up the stairs at me.

I sigh heavily before I finally get out of bed and stretch. “Well, Jess, I’ve got to go. Breakfast is ready and then it’s time for presents. But thanks so much again and I’ll call you tomorrow ok?”

“Yeah, ok. I’ve got to go too before Timmy has a complete break down or something.” We laugh briefly before we say Merry Christmas again and get off the phone.

My heart has been beating erratically since the moment my mom brought that box into my room on Saturday and said it was from New York. I let it sit on my desk taunting me for the last two days. From the moment I saw the handwriting I knew that it was from him, even with him not putting a name above the return address.

I wanted to open it right away. Just rip the box open and see what he got me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do so. A part of me felt like I didn’t deserve anything that he gave me. And then another part felt that if I had to accept whatever it was he bought, then I, at least, deserved to have it sit there and taunt me and remind me of how much I didn’t deserve it or him or his friendship. So, that’s the side I went with.

I moved the box from my bed to sit on my desk and finished getting ready for my party that night. And I refused to do more than just look at it every time I entered and left my room till the very moment that I couldn’t stand it any longer, which just happened to be as soon as I came in to my room from school today.

As soon as it was opened and I saw the letter folded and lying neatly on top of two very differently wrapped presents, I knew that nothing could have prepared me for the amount or strength of emotions that I felt. Happiness, excitement, giddiness, sadness, guilt, anger. I felt it all within a few seconds and was never sure which was the strongest or the most deserving.

Until I read the letter that is.


‘Dear Shawn,

I hope that you are well. It’s killing me not knowing what or how you are doing. But I’m so happy that you have Lea and the guys to talk to and help you with anything that you might need. Even if it is just someone to talk to.

I know that we both have made mistakes. And that I didn’t put the work into our relationship that I promised that I would when we fought the day we got together. As well as that I didn’t fight for you like I said I would for us to get over everything that happened together. I ultimately gave up on ‘us’ way before I ever realized it and for that I am very truly sorry.

I understand that you have a boyfriend now and that is really great. I’m so happy for you. Honestly. When Lea accidentally let it slip that you’re with someone else, I kept waiting for the pain to come. That wretched, terrible pain in my heart that would prove that I care and that would make me want to be on the next flight to Missouri to beat his ass. But it never came. And with the non-presence of the pain, came the realization that I’m happy that you found someone there to be with. Completely happy that you have been able to move on from the mess that I just made worse.

With all of that said. I hope that we can now work on getting our friendship back. If anything, other than spending time with you of course, our friendship is what I miss the most. I know and understand that it won’t instantly be right back to being ‘inseparable’ and strong as it was and that’s fine. I’m more that willing to put as much work into getting it back there, or as close to there, as is possible and needed. I have found that no matter what I do, I can’t help but feel like something is missing in my life right now. And I believe that something is you, Shawn. I’m missing you and our friendship. My friend that seriously knows my next move or thought before I do. My friend that somehow always knows just what to say in any situation to make it better and perfect. My friend that completes me in practically every way possible.

I really hope that we can work this out and that you give me that chance to get that friendship back. But if not, I understand completely why you didn’t.

Love,
Jesse

P.S. Oh! One more thing. If you could, please not open the Christmas present till Christmas morning, that would be appreciated. But if not, well then, I hope you enjoy it early.


I was crying silently by the time I finished it. Then I went on to read it three more times before it sank in just why the gifts were wrapped so different. One is for Christmas and the other for your birthday. Duh Shawn! I softly put the letter down next to the box and carefully lift both presents out of it. Placing the Christmas one on my dresser to be opened in 15 days, and taking the other one, with the letter, to my bed, where I sit down and stare at the gift in my hand trying my hardest to think about what it could possibly be.

I’m not sure how long I was sitting there just staring at it before I finally started opening it, without really paying attention to what I was actually doing. As I get all the wrapping paper off, I realize that I’m holding a box. A relatively small, white, rectangular box. I turn it up so that one end is resting on my legs and slowly pull the tab out of the other end and open the flap. Tipping the box over, I watch as the bubble wrap covered gift falls leisurely into my waiting hand. Quickly and carefully taking the bubble wrap off and pushing it back into the box, I see the back of a picture frame. I bite my bottom lip in nervousness as I flip it over.

I look over the frame while running my fingers gingerly across where my eyes already traced. A sun, sand, lounge chair and towel, beach ball, starfish, sand dollar, sea shells, crabs. Everything that you’d ever see on the beach is adorning this frame. And then my eyes land on the picture in the frame and instantly tear up.

The picture has been printed in black and white, though I’m fairly sure that the original is in color. It’s a picture taken in the very early days of our friendship, when I was still ‘grounded’ for leaving the mall with him. It’s a picture of Jesse and myself sitting under that same tree in Central Park that we sat under that day. But this day was different. This was the day that we spent the entire day going all through the park with my family. And at the point of this particular picture, we had just finished eating lunch and were talking in our own little world, like we so often did, and were still getting to know each other in the most basic friend sense.

But there was just something about seeing this picture in black and white, that made the moment seem even more ‘intimate’ than I remember. Looking at it now, it seems more loving, caring, and personal. And the longer I look at it, the more I miss him and those simpler times. Not that I didn’t already, but now I can really imagine what Jesse means about ‘missing’ something in life. I can picture how he must be feeling.

And it’s in this moment that I know I will do anything to get back to that time, or one similar to, in this photo. I will work and fight to get our friendship just as hard as he claims he will. It’s in this moment that I decide that to just let go isn’t an option and is completely impossible. In this nanosecond of a moment, I make the best and biggest decision of my life: I’m getting my best friend back. And for good this time.

Shawn’s birthday is today. I hope that she received the gift in time. I know, I know. Yes, I got her something. For both her birthday and Christmas. I went ahead and sent them both to her last week. It was insured to arrive today. So, we’ll see I guess. And before you get to thinking too much into it, I didn’t go out and buy her something recently. Actually both gifts were items that I bought before the tour was over but after she had went home. Just some little seemingly meaningless items that I saw while we were out seeing the sites in whatever city that instantly reminded me of her. Yes, this was when I wasn’t talking to her too often. Yes, this was after the kiss incident. Yes, this was before the now dreaded phone call. This was all back at the time that I still had full hope, maybe faith is a better word to use here hmm… maybe not but anyway, that we could eventually make it through anything and everything, especially that kiss. But here we are. Not really speaking to each other and seemingly avoiding each other at most costs. Granted that is speaking strictly for me since I don’t know about her because of said not speaking. But as gifts go, I believe that I did very good. And I’m fairly sure that what I got won’t hurt her or anything more than just remind her of our friendship and how that is how all of this started. That’s what I’m hoping for at least. Since all else has failed, I’m hoping to at least get that relationship back with her.

I know that she has a new boyfriend and surprisingly, I’m cool with it. When Lea slipped the news the other night at dinner, I expected to feel crushed, an excruciating, totally unbearable pain in my chest. But it never came. I’m seriously okay with her having moved on and seeing what or who else is out there. And I understand that because of the distance that it is better for everyone involved that friendship is all that can be.

And as much as I understand that and don’t have a problem with her moving on, I can’t help but still feel like it should be me that she is with. That pain still isn’t there but I do feel completely… guilty, I guess, for not fighting harder for her, to make it work. I understand that yes, she made a mistake. But so did I. I didn’t give her the fight that I promised that day in the elevator. The fight that was promised as soon as I said that we could get past it together. I didn’t give her that and with her being so honest about everything, she more than deserved it. So, it’s nothing if not my fault that we are so distant now.

Also, I can’t bring myself to feel anything bad about all of it either. I’m not sad, bitter, mad, angry, depressed. I’m just over it all. I’m sick of being so detached all the time. Detached from everything and everyone. But they are all still here, still so supportive and patient with me. I don’t deserve it, I know that. But I’m so grateful for them all. But I can’t help but have the feeling that they all have the piece that I’m missing the most. And I would do anything to get the piece back. And that is ultimately why I went ahead and mailed the presents to her. It’s my final and last play to try to get our friendship back. If it doesn’t work, then it’s seriously over and she’s out of my life and I accept that. Completely her choice. The ball is in her court now and I can’t do anything else.


So, I’m going with that the box didn’t arrive by Saturday as to why I haven’t received the slightest of thanks or acknowledgment on her end yet. And I’m not about to text her asking about it. So, I wait, not entirely patient anymore, but I wait none the less for something either directly from her or through a friend or Lea, just anything. Anything to at least know that she did receive it.

I’m just laying on my bed, holed up in my room, mulling over everything yet again as I’ve done the whole weekend. I really don’t want to see or speak to anyone at the moment. Haven’t all weekend, but I do have responsibilities that I have to keep and those responsibilities have successfully kept my mind off everything else for the most part. But now, I just want to think it all through yet again for the millionth time.

As I’m laying here, my mom yells up that dinner will be ready shortly and to start washing up and heading down. I wait till the last possible minute, yet again. But even before all of this, this wasn’t anything new. It’s not till she yells to us three more times till I move for the first time since I got home from school. I sit up and then grab my head from the spinning that moving so fast and suddenly has caused. Walking to my door, I hear my phone going off. I rush to my backpack and pull it out of the front pocket. Flipping it open, I see that I have a new text from Shawn. I stand, staring at the screen, thinking that I’m hallucinating, for several minutes before I finally open it to read what she said. Clenching my eyes shuts tight, I take in three deep breaths, releasing each one slower than the one previous before finally getting the nerve to read it. “Hey Jesse. Thank you for the presents. That was very sweet of you. And as you asked I’m not opening the other one till Christmas. I really hope that you are ok. I’ll talk to you soon. =-) Shawn”

Releasing a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding, I can’t help but to feel relieved. I toss my phone onto my bed, hearing my mom starting to ascend the stairs, and turn to meet her half way then head to the table for dinner. It’s all looking up now. And that’s all that I can truly ask for.

Thanksgiving. This is usually a one day that I love no matter what every year. And this year really should be one of the best ones so far in my short life. I mean we are performing in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. This is HUGE! But I just can’t bring myself to stop thinking about Shawn and our short conversation yesterday. I finally just did it. I texted her. She replied almost right away, so I had hope in what I was gonna do. I wished her a good holiday and weekend, she returned the sentiment. And then I asked her about us. Not something that I really wanted to do over text. But she said that she was too busy to actually talk, so I let it go. And of course, she drew it out, making me ask her exactly what I meant in a very specific question. “Well, you know. Us. Can we just go back to how it was and be us again? Jesse and Shawn, Shawn and Jesse.” Man, it still sounds so stupid. I should have just worded it better. After that though, there was a long pause. And I mean long. Like about an hour before I got an answer. But then, just a simple “No” was the last that I’ve heard from her.

“Hey man. You nervous? Only five minutes till we go on air.” I shake my head clear of my thoughts, bringing myself back to my surroundings, and look up at Greg. I just shrug and turn to walk away. “Hey man. What’s going on with you?” I completely intend to just keep going but he grasps my shoulder making me face him again.

“It’s nothing that can’t wait till a much later date. Like never. Just don’t worry about it. We have a life-altering occasion about to happen that needs all of our focus.” I quickly turn around and walk to my position as the float draws ever closer to it’s destination. But I didn’t miss that look that he gave me saying that we would definitely continue this later. As if he doesn’t already know. I mean I know that they all still talk to her practically daily. Well, unless… unless she never talks about me anymore. Not that I know for sure that she ever has since we broke up, but I thought that she at least asked about me. Hmm…

We do our part and then go on to the end of the parade. Once we all hop off the float, we are swamped by our families. It’s so chaotic, that we are all swept off in different directions within a few minutes, barely having more time than to wave and shout a hurried 'bye' at everyone before going to our respective family dinners. And I can’t help but be silently thankful, and here I thought that I’d have nothing to be thankful for today, for that too. I’m just not ready to hear that she doesn’t ask about me anymore.


Today is Thanksgiving! YAY! My dad just picked us up and we are on our way to Grankdma’s house. Where we will stay for a hefty amount of the day and then we’ll stay the weekend with him. Does kinda suck though for the fact that I can’t really talk to Kensie till Saturday. But these things happen.

So, yesterday was interesting to say the least. Jesse contacted me for that first time in over a month. Yea, more like in six weeks. At first I wasn’t entirely sure what to do, but I still texted him back with hardly a hesitation and everything was going great till he asked about us. And then, I just didn’t know. But for the first time, I realized that while I enjoyed talking to him, the excitement that I used to feel every time he texted or called was gone. Completely MIA. And that startled me for a good while after meeting that realization. As soon as I got my bearings back, I replied with a short, possibly slightly rude, “No” and left it at that.

Not that I would have been about to have said yes anyway. But apart from that very startling factor, I was surprised that he was even asking after so long, that it really felt surreal, but it didn’t give me the great bubbly swarm of butterflies, or wasps whichever, in my stomach like I always thought that it would. And in the minute that both of those feelings faded away, Clark was there. Well, not literally, but I saw him. And that’s not in the literal sense either. You know, like I could just picture him perfectly. I wasn’t able to see anything other than his face, even though it was all just my imagination. And that was when I knew that I had made the right choice.

~~Flashback~~

Well damn. I look Clark directly in the eye, never wavering. And I can just see the sincerity there. He means every word that he has said. And then all of a sudden, everything else just fades away and is so insignificant. School, Jesse, that fact that we could ruin our friendship, the fact that we are still in school. It all just melts away and means absolutely nothing anymore. Any and all reasons that I said we couldn’t be together just a couple months ago, seem so pointless. And without a clear head and yet even a real thought in my mind, I instantly close the distance and cover his mouth with mine. This kiss is so different that any I have had before. So, Jesse’s. It’s hard and has a purpose, but yet it’s still so sweet, gentle, caring, soft, and… dare I say… loving.

Once we break apart, we can’t contain the smiles that spread on our faces. He rests his forehead against mine, eyes still closed, and allows us to catch our breath for a few minutes before he says anything.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for so long.” I release a small chuckle, causing him to open his eyes and pull away from me slightly. He only moves about a foot back, his arms are still wrapped around my waist, though I don’t remember him putting them there nor do I remember wrapping my arms around his neck, but I instantly feel the loss of warmth that I didn’t really know that I wanted to always be near me. “So, is that a yes then? Will you be my girlfriend?”

I look at him, thoughtful. And I can tell that he’s trying not to squirm and to patiently wait for my answer. I slowly nod my head and manage to mumble a soft “yes” before he, once again, crashes our lips together, both of us smiling into the kiss.

I’m pulled out of my reverie as we pull up in front of my grandma’s house and see that we are practically the last ones to arrive. We enter the house, and my favorite time of year is officially started. And I can’t help but think that I have more than enough to be thankful for. Like an amazing boyfriend, for starters.

Over the course of these past couple months, Jesse and I have lost touch. After September 11th, we talked mostly through texts, with just a handful of phone calls in the weeks that directly followed, and they became a rare occurrence as the weeks wore on until even the texts stopped all together. And I was starting to see that I could be without him and be fine. I was finding myself again. Though I will admit that I was also throwing myself into school and all the extra activities that I put onto my shoulders this year mostly as a way to force my mind to just forget and not think about him at the beginning. Now however, I thoroughly enjoyed be so busy and not really having a spare minute to let my mind wonder.

Also, I had started to notice that as the weeks went on, I was thinking of Jesse less and less that Clark and I were getting closer and closer. At first I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about this fact exactly, but then I started to find that I could tell him things that I just couldn’t tell anyone else. Things about me, Jesse, and just everything in general. Things that you usually don’t find or think to be significant enough to really think about let alone actually confide to someone else about. And it was nice. I really got to where I thoroughly enjoyed talking to Clark. And we quickly became very close friends. Because that’s all that I said we could be. Though now I’m not so sure that was a good idea. But that was only the week after September 11th, what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t ready to accept that Jesse and I might not actually be meant to be yet. But anyway, I digress. Now that I’m sure that Jesse happened at the wrong time in my life, that we might not be meant to be or just not meant to be at this time in our lives, and that I can in fact be me without him, I’m not sure how to make that clear to Clark cause I do feel something there that I haven’t felt with anyone before.

But outside of my ‘boy drama’, as my mom calls it, everything has been great. I’ve managed to branch outside of my normal group of friends, though all my new friends are the kind of friends that you are really only close to at school and don’t see or talk to outside of those hollowed halls. And for this fact I’m still very close with my other friends as well. We have continued on with our lives and they have all finally stopped asking me about Jesse daily.

And now with the holidays looming, I’m beginning to fall into the groove that I always do when they are near. Not only does it mean that my birthday is near, but I just love getting to see my whole family at two huge occasions so close together. And my family is just stock full of great old fashioned cooks. There is never a shortage of fantastic foods when the whole family gets together. Which could be where my love for cooking comes from. I know that it is the reason that I want to go to culinary school for college. The only thing that I have learned to hate about my parents’ divorce is that the holidays are divided now. Like this year I’m with Dad for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve and Mom for Christmas day and New Years. Then next year, it will be switched. I just miss getting to see both sides of my family for both holidays. Christmas isn’t so bad because either family will just have their gift exchange and dinner on whichever day it is that we will be with our parents. But Thanksgiving, when the food is honestly the best, is when we only get to see one side no matter what. And even after almost eight years, it still just feels so weird to not be eating myself to the brim at both lunch and dinner, therefore practically all day long.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts as the bell rings for lunch. I quickly gather my things and leave the classroom to head to my locker at the opposite end of the hall. Once it is in my line of site I notice that Clark is waiting there for me and I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. I watch him while I can, without the possibility of being caught that is, and notice that he looks to be in deep thought. I take in what he’s wearing and see that it’s his favorite pair of Tommy jeans, that quickly became mine too once I noticed just how nice they complimented his, um, ‘body’, with his nice blue and white plaid button up shirt, and his Docs. My smile widens even more as I notice that he looks very good in blue and that it brings out his soft hazel eyes just that much more.

Once I get within three feet of him, he looks up suddenly and his eyes instantly find mine. I see him smile at me too and I get the familiar feeling of knots and butterflies in my stomach by the simple common gesture. “Hey you.” I gently tap his arm with my elbow as I pass him and open my locker that is just on the other side of him.

“Hey yourself. So, you sitting with me today?” I look at him softly for a second before nodding at him.

“Um, yea sure. I think that drama is having a late lunch today for some reason or another.” Drama is the class that both Kaylea and Alaina have this block and they usually have first lunch with me but I think they were having last lunch today. And for whatever reason that I have yet to really find out, Clark wouldn’t ever have lunch with me if they were around. But it would never fail, he’d always wait at my locker for me, ask if I’d be having lunch with him, and then when I’d say that he could join us he’d say that was fine and that he should probably sit with his other friends. His friends that were almost all seniors and consisted of all the ROTC student officers.

“Cool, so do you just want to grab something quick from the snack line and then find a bench somewhere in a hall to eat?”

“Yea, sure. I’m not entirely too hungry so that will be perfect.” I smile at him and we head into the cafeteria. I do have to admit that we are very lucky at my school, especially for a public school, at least from what I’ve heard. We have five different lunch lines. There’s the standard school lunch line, the pizza/pasta line, the hotdogs, hamburgers, and fries line, the ice cream line, and then the snack line, which consists of cookies, nachos, soft pretzels, and other various snacks. Then to top this off we also have five different snack and drink vending machines in the cafeteria alone. Then there was also eight more of them positioned all throughout the school. So, needless to say it was very easy to find something that you wanted for lunch any day of the week as well as to never get sick on any one thing either.

We make the usual small talk as we walk to the line and wait till it’s our turn. And as has happened on the few other times that I have gotten to have lunch with Clark, he insists on paying for my lunch, and we have our usual tiff about it that ends with him promising to let me get it the next time, and yet I haven’t ever been allowed to make do on that promise of his either.

Once we have our food, we make our way out into the hall and find a semi deserted hall with a bench to sit, eat, and talk in private. Well, as private as you can expect in a school of this size I guess. When we are done with our food, he takes our trash to the nearby trashcan and silence takes over us as he sits back down. We sit in the silence, that gets steadily more tense the longer that we leave it. But just as I’m about to break it with one of my signature sarcastic remarks, he says something that completely knocks me speechless.

“I can’t be your friend anymore Shawn.” I look him over and notice that he’s refusing to meet my eyes and is staring at his hands as he wrings them together, clenching and unclenching them in his lap.

“Um… ohkay…” I turn away from him and try my hardest not to cry, at least not in front of him. I glance at my watch and see that we still have about fifteen minutes left but I start to stand up and start to walk away anyway. Anything to not let him see you cry.

“No, wait.” he reaches out quickly grabbing my elbow and turning me to face him, tilting my face up to look at him before he continues. “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, that I can’t just be your friend anymore. I want so much more than this. I feel so much more than just this with you. And I know that you feel it too. Why do you keep insisting on denying it? Why continue to deny it for someone that isn’t here? And can’t even be here? What’s so wrong with wanting to be happy and be with someone that is here with you and makes you happy? Let me make you happy Shawn. Please.” He releases an exasperated breath slowly as I look at his eyes and take in his expression. He is more serious than I have ever seen him. And I can’t think of anything to say and I’m not one that easily knocked speechless. He softly mumbles “please” again and everything just melts away in that instant.

Well, damn.


As the minutes turned into hours, the hours into days, the days into weeks, and the weeks into months, two months to be exact, I realized that I was missing Shawn less and less. I’ve even been thinking about her less often too. Yea, now it’s down to only being a couple times a day. When it came down to us not talking anymore, I was truly surprised. I know that it was nowhere near intentional on my part. I have to admit that after 9/11, I had hope that we would just slip right back into how we always were. But it was quickly proved that wouldn’t be the case. And I’ll even admit that it was partly, possibly mostly even, because of me. I just couldn’t find a way to let my guard down and be as free as I used to be with her anymore. And still to this moment in time, I have no idea as to why either. But the irony of it all doesn’t escape my mind. You got exactly what you asked for. You didn’t want to talk to her or have contact with her, and not you don’t.

I sigh heavily and look around me. All my friends are going about things as always. Talking, joking, and being the absolute loudest table and group in the whole cafeteria. And as I’m surrounded by all these people, and my friends that I’ve known most of my life, I can’t help but feel more alone than I've ever felt. I pull my phone out of my pocket and start a text, however I quickly exit out of it and place the phone back, as I’ve done numerous times over the last month. I glance down to my tray and see that I haven’t even touched the food there. I look at my friends again and realize that they really won’t notice if I leave early. So, without a moments hesitation, I get up, dump my tray, and leave the cafeteria.

I walk aimlessly through the halls, no particular destination in mind, just let my feet guide me. So, when I come to a closed door, I don’t hesitate to open it and enter the room. I look around and see that I’ve entered the music room, the one that’s only used for the serious practices before any performances or concerts that any of the music classes have. I make my way to the piano in the corner, sit on the bench not really thinking of anything as I place my fingers on the keys, just trying to remember anything from the lessons that I quit long ago.

As I start to play an unknown melody, the words just jump into my mind. And I instantly, in this one solitary moment in time, feel at ease and totally relaxed without a worry in the world for the first time since I made that phone call to Shawn all those months ago.

Briiinng

The bell rings signaling the end of lunch and successfully breaking my concentration. I pause for just a fraction of a second before I rush to my locker to get my notebook and write the lyrics down before I completely forget them.

I woke up today with a weird feeling in my stomach, one that I wasn’t sure how to describe or place, so I pushed the feeling and thoughts of it aside. Continuing on with my morning routine as I got ready for school.

Upon arriving at school and getting off the bus, I meet all my friends at our usual spot. Once we were all here, we head down to the other end of the school, stopping at our lockers along the way. Once we get the hallway known as ROTC hall, we go in the classroom to talk to Chief Gilbert, but everyone just calls him Chief. He’s one of the ROTC instructors and a retired Air Force fighter pilot. He’s also one of my favorite teachers and even shorter than me. But still very cool.

Anyway, every morning, especially the ones like today when most in our ‘group’ have Geography first block, we come to ROTC hall to buy sustenance. Almost all the teachers won’t allow food and drinks in class, but our Geography teacher, Mrs. Mosley, allows you to bring ‘breakfast’ if you are in her first block classes. Since the ROTC cadets have a snack bar/concessions stand that they run for all the sports activities to raise money for the program, Chief also allows them, us technically since I’m one of them, to sell the candy and drinks before and after school, as well as during lunch.

So, as we all walk in to get our snacks for our sugar rush that will help to get us through the day, for some reason we are all, well most of us actually, put in the same Geography class and have all of our harder classes on the same day as said class, Chief comes up and starts talking to me about this weekends drill competition.

“Shawn, do you have the team ready? Or do I need to schedule more practices for after school this week?” I look slightly down at Chief before glancing at Alaina, she’s my co-commander of the Drill Team with Exhibitions, meaning with weapons. And this weekend is the first drill competition of the year.

After we share a brief look, I turn back to Chief and answer him, “Um, yea Chief. That will be good. You can never get too much practice, right?” I look back to the cadet, a junior guy that is pretty cute named Clark Olsen. He gives me a flirty half smile, as he hands me my change, causing me to blush. I look into his soft hazel eyes for what feels like a minute or so before being drawn out of our… hold, I don’t want to say stare because that just sounds creepy, but it was definitely more than just a gaze too, by Chief continuing to talk to me.

“Ok, well, we can’t have one tonight because of the short notice and kids needing to ask their parents. So, do you want me to set them up of the rest of the week? And then you can come see about it during lunch?” I turn my whole body away from Clark and immediately feel a loss of warmth. Talk about weird. I look at Chief again and nod my head just as the warning bell rings. “Ok, I’ll see you at lunch then.” I nod again as my friends drag me from the room to get to class.

We enter the room and go to our seats, they're assigned in alphabetical order, we start munching on our snacks and wait for the morning announcements to start after the last bell rings. I quickly tap my friend, Jessica who sits in front of me, on the shoulder. She turns her head slightly waiting for me to talk.

“Hey, can you put my hair in that bun that you do? I tried this morning and just couldn’t get it to look right.” She nods and gets up grabbing her drink and we switch seats so that she can do my hair during announcements.

As we, the whole class that is, sit there waiting for the announcements to start, I can’t help but notice that the feeling in my stomach is back, but this time too strong to ignore. I feel a very strong urge to call Jesse and possibly Greg too. This can’t be good. Not good at all. And why haven’t they started the announcements yet? I look at the clock, and see that the bell rang over five minutes ago.

Just as I’m about to ask Jess to hand me my purse, she starts to stand up, signaling that she’s done with my hair. I get up and we switch back. “Hey, thanks.” I say softly not to get in trouble.

“No problem.” I grab my phone as we start chatting softly. As for school rules, my phone is supposed to be off, but like most kids, I just always keep it on silent. As I sneak my phone under my desk to see if I have any messages or anything, there is a knock on the classroom door, drawing all our attention to it as Mrs. Mosley answers it and takes the paper from the office aid that’s there. We all watch her closely as she reads the note. I glance and look at all my friends throughout the room to see if they were noticing her expression change as she got further down the paper. Right as I got to Jessica, she turned to me too and I could tell that she had noticed as well. I was about to say something to her when Mrs. Mosley started reading the paper out loud.

“This morning around 8:45 am Eastern Standard Time, a passenger jet that is believed to have been hijacked, crashed into the North tower of the World Trade Center.” She continued to read through all the gasps from my classmates. I look back at Jessica and then across the room and meet Alaina’s eyes. And at that moment my mind just went on autopilot. Oh my… Jesse… he has to fine. He just has to be. His school is too far away from all that right? Jessica grasping my hand tightly pulled me from the thoughts, but only briefly. I could vaguely her Jess asking if I was alright and Mrs. Mosley continuing to read the announcement before turning on CNN on the classroom tv.

At that very moment I remembered that I was still clutching my phone in my free hand. Without another thought I immediately sent a text out to Greg, Lea, Frankie, Matt, and Chris. “Are you all alright?” As it showed that the text was sent successfully, I was already dialing Jesse’s number. Knowing that just a reply in a text wouldn’t be enough to calm my nerves and worries about him. As it rings through, I can feel all my friends watching me and I know that they know exactly what’s going through my mind. Come on Jesse. Answer the d**n phone! As it goes through to voicemail, I hang up and immediately hit the redial button. One ring… I take a deep breath… Two rings… Another deep breath, this one a little shaky… Three rings… And yet another deep breath, still shakier than the last… Four rings… and voicemail… again… I take one last deep breath as I hand up and can feel the tears spill over and down my cheeks.

I go to try calling again, when my phone is bombarded by like ten messages. I quickly look through them to see who they’re from and when I don’t see Jesse’s name, I open a new message as quickly as I can with my hands shaking so badly. “Ok, so I know that you said when you are ready that you’d get a hold of me. But in light of the events that have happened this morning, I NEED to know that you are ok. Please, please, PLEASE, get back to me as soon as you get this!” I send the text and try one last time to call him. When it just goes to his voicemail, I look up and am surprised that I’m surrounded by all my friends. But Alaina and Kaylea are the only two that I see clearly and immediately on locking eyes with them, they have me engulfed in a huge hug.

As I sit in class off in my own world of thoughts, an announcement is made for everyone to go to the gym immediately. I shake my head clear of my thoughts as I hear chairs scraping against the linoleum floor. I follow suit and join the mass of kids heading to the gym. I glance at everyone’s faces trying to find someone who looks like they know what is going on but everyone looks to be as confused as me.

As we walk through the gym doors, there is a loud rumble above head. Everyone starts looking around and finally someone confirms what I’ve been thinking, screaming above all the noise, “It was a just plane that was flying too low.” At that everyone rushes back outside, the teachers and other faculty having a hard time stopping them. But once everyone gets out there, it’s too late and we are told to head back inside and take a seat with our classes.

Once everyone is seated, the principal steps out with a microphone and calls us all to his attention. As he starts to read off an announcement from the paper, my phone vibrates and I go to pull it out of my pocket as discretely as possible. But what he says, causes me to stop all movement.

“This morning around 8:45, what is believed to be a hijacked passenger jet flew into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. All stations and rescue personnel have been placed on call to try and get all the people trapped inside out safely. As of right now there is no official word of whom or what is the cause of these attacks. We will continue to,” at this point he is interrupted by the vice principal walking out to him to hand him another announcement. I look around me and can hear some kids saying that the plane we heard crashed into the other tower. I look back to the principal who is alone on the gym floor again and see him looking at the paper in shock before he calls us all to attention again and read the new paper. “We just received word that another plane has crashed into the second tower.” He continues reading but I stop listening. What does this mean for everyone exactly? It was at this time that I remembered the new message on my phone. I finish pulling my phone out, forgetting and caring less about being discrete.

I read the message from Greg and quickly reply. I go to call my mom but receive another text, this one from Matt. I reply back and right as it’s sent I get one from Frankie. After I reply to him I call Mom. Right as she answers we are dismissed back to our classes. I quickly follow everyone out to the halls and walk towards my class while talking to her, noticing that I’m not the only student on their phone.

“Jess? Are you there?” I shake my head of my rambling thoughts again and answer her. “Are you ok? Do you want to come home?”

“Yea Mom, I’m fine. Would you seriously let me come home?”

“Yes, I would. They aren’t sure what’s going on or anything yet. And that is very frightening sweetie.” I look around at everyone again, and notice that the entire faculty looks pretty worried and scared and so do some of my classmates.

“No Mom. I’m fine. I can stay here.”

“Ok, but if you change your mind, don’t hesitate to call and I’ll come get you.”

“Ok Mom. But I don’t think that I will.” I finish the call and take my seat. For the rest of the class, the lesson is forgotten and we watch CNN, which is exactly what all my classes have done so far.

At lunch, my mom calls me again. Letting me know that she has picked Lea up from school and could swing by to get me, I turned her down again. I’m texting the guys back and forth when I get an incoming call. Shawn? I finished my text to Matt and see that she didn’t leave a message. So, I text Greg real quick, “Dude, Shawn just tried calling,” and I’m interrupted from another incoming call. I wait to see about a message again and when I don’t receive one, I finish my text, “me. Should I call back?” Within a few minutes, I receive a text; I don’t look at who it’s from, just assuming that it’s Greg’s response. “Ok, so I know that you said when you are ready that you’d get a hold of me. But in light of the events that have happened this morning, I NEED to know that you are ok. Please, please, PLEASE, get back to me as soon as you get this!” I read it over a few times in complete shock. Shawn. She knows? Well, duh, of course she knows. The whole nation knows. How could you even think that they wouldn’t? As I’m still just staring at my phone in shock, it vibrates again. I blink a couple times, clearing the haze that not blinking had caused to coat my eyes and read the new text. “Yes, man. You need to. She’s very worried about you and all of us. They just told her about the WTC in her class.” I nod to myself and take a deep breath. I look back at my phone and see that I have three missed calls. When did I receive a third call? I look at the log and see that they are all from Shawn. I shake my head again and take another deep breath and dial the number that I’ll forever have memorized.

I continue to take deep, steadying breaths as it rings through. She answers after the third ring.

“Jesse? Please tell me that you’re ok.” I take one last deep breath. Man, it feels so good to hear her voice.

“Yes, Shawn. I’m fine.”

“Oh, thank God.” We sent in silence for a few minutes before either of us even feels like we should say something more. “Why didn’t you answer when I called?”

I release a heavy sigh and close my eyes. “Because I wasn’t sure if I should answer. Though I didn’t realize that you knew about the attacks, otherwise I wouldn’t have hesitated to answer.”

“Oh. Well, I’m glad that you’re ok. And that you did call me back to let me know.”

“Yea, well, I did ask Greg if I should. But that was before I got you text too. He replied after that saying that I needed to.” I couldn’t help how I was acting. It has been too long since we talked that I’m just not sure what to say or how to say it. I start biting the inside of my cheek and she’s just silent. I hear a bell ring on her end but no movement from her. “Don’t you need to go to class?”

“Um, yea, I guess. All we’re doing is watching the news though.”

“Yea, same here. Mom offered to come pick me up but I’d rather watch the news here than at home.”

“Yea, me too.” And just like that we’re silent again.

A couple minutes later and the warning bell rings for my lunch to be over. I get up from the bench I’ve been sitting on outside and begin to head inside. “Um, well, I’d better go. I have to get back to class.”

“Oh, yea, ok. Well, then, um, bye I guess.” I release another sigh and change my route to head to the bathroom.

“Um, yea, bye.” We hang up just as I walk into the bathroom. I look at my reflection and can see the tears that I felt welling up and release an unsteady breath as I head into the stall.

48. 48 days. It has been 48 days since that dreadful phone call. 48 days since I’ve heard his voice. School started again a few weeks ago. And a few weeks before that my family and all my friends staged an intervention of sorts and forced me out of my room. And I do mean ALL of my friends. All my plans of what I was going to wear to the first day of school flew right out the window the moment that he said those words. ‘I’m sorry…It’s over Shawn.’ Originally I was going to wear the same outfit I wore to the New York concert but now I just couldn’t look at anything that I had bought there or while I was with him without wanting to burrow myself into the ground and stay there till I die a painful and sufferable death. I mean, that is what I deserve anyway. And I did bring this onto myself. And in knowing that, I welcome any pain that I get. I just really wish that it didn’t mean that he was going through pain too. Or any of the guys. Well, except for the one that needs to be feeling almost as bad as I am.

The guys. They’ve really been great to me. Especially since they totally don’t have to be and I completely never expected them too be either. But they all make sure to call me regularly and keep me updated on everything that’s going on. Yes, even him and his life. The one person they make sure to never mention, is the one person that I’m glad they don’t mention.

And Greg. Greg is really my best friend and brother throughout all this. I’m so thankful and glad that I do have him. He’s been nothing but nice, sweet, and caring to me. Not to mention he’s the only person that I can really talk to about Jes… um, him. With absolutely no judgments or walls up or anything. It’s always a breath of fresh air to have that conversation with Greg too. Once a week. That’s what we’ve been doing since he made me see that I can’t just keep it all bottled up, that doing that won’t make it go away or anything better. So, we go into detail about everything and what I’m feeling or felt this week about it all. And again I say, if this music thing doesn’t work out for him, he really needs to consider becoming a psychologist. Anyway, they’ve all been great and very supportive and understanding. All in their own ways too.

After the tour ended and they had there little break before school, they came down to see me too. Greg, Frankie, Matt, Lea, David, Maryanne, Ginger, Timmy, Amanda, Nicole, Danielle, and Lisa. Without telling me. This is the ’intervention’ I was talking about. Ginger apparently has been keeping in touch with Mom, and then Mom called all my friends here and they bombarded me with shock, surprise, and people they knew I’d leave my room for, one day. But it was nice to get to be back in that world. Though it was just not the same. And it was nice to get to mesh my two worlds together finally. But it was so hard to be with Timmy. He just looks so much like him that I could hardly look at him without tearing up. Which I know upset Timmy and made him think that he did something wrong. He even asked me what he did and was close to tears himself. But I think that we got that worked out. At least for now. And Lea and I have gotten really close too. Especially since that visit. She of course asked about what happened and I had no problem telling her. Every little thing. And she didn’t judge either. She was there for me and completely supportive. More so than someone at her young age should be.

And with all of this, I can’t bring myself to regret or hate the trip to New York for any reason. I have so many new friends and ‘family’ now that are here for me no matter what and so supportive even though I’ve made some of the biggest mistakes possible. That I just can’t help to continue to be grateful and thankful for the trip. And I did meet someone that made the trip better and more fun and I know became a life long friend. Though it didn’t end up being the person I originally thought it was going to be, but still. If it hadn’t of been for running into him, I wouldn’t have had my wish come true.


Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of her. 48 days to be exact. I can’t get her out of my head. And since that phone call, I haven’t thought about the kiss hardly at all. I mean, I’m still not talking to Chris. And the more I think about it, the more I see that breaking up with her was what I needed to do at that time. But now that it’s been more than a month, and if I’m being honest with my self this started the next day, that kiss really seems pretty irrelevant. Ok, maybe irrelevant isn’t the right word but you get what I’m saying. It’s just now I see it as more of a test of our love and relationship. One that I failed and she passed. Especially since she told me right away. I mean she was leaving. She could have easily waited till she was back home and just told me over the phone or in an email or something. Or not at all. And that would have been her failing the test. But she didn’t do any of that. She did the right and brave thing and told me to my face. Knowing that I might get mad and break up with her right there in front of everyone. But she did it anyway. And I’m the one that failed because I couldn’t trust her when she said it meant nothing and I’m the one that couldn’t just forget it and move on. Instead I did nothing but push her away.

School started again a week or so ago. And I’ve dreaded it and hated it more than usual. My hours at school are the hours where she’s stuck in my head the most. And everything that we did together, every single memory of her that I have, replays like a movie stuck on repeat in my head, starting every time that I walk though those doors into the school. And because of this, I’m glad more than ever that she became such great friends with the guys. Though Greg is the only one that I’m completely comfortable talking in detail about her with. But knowing how she is and what she’s been up to, has helped. Especially since I can’t bring myself to email or call her.

But the absolute hardest thing had to be when they all packed up and flew out to surprise her. Mom asked if I wanted to go. Hell they all asked if I wanted to go. But I just couldn’t bring myself to feel right about surprising her and facing her in that way. Especially not knowing if she really wanted to see me or not. So, instead I stayed here with Dad, while all my friends were where my heart was already.

It has been one long day! I’m so exhausted. Thankfully we don’t have a show tomorrow so we get to sleep in. That is going be like heaven! We just arrived back to the hotel a little bit ago and I’m in the single. Thank you Lord. I really don’t think I could handle any of the guys right now. I just have too much on my mind. I quickly take a shower and climb in bed. I turn out the light and lay down, at which time all the thoughts that I forced aside all day long, flood my brain for the first time since this morning.

Did she really enjoy the kiss? And what if she did? What then? Can we really move past this as if it didn’t happen? I know that I really hope we can. But what if we can’t? What then? It’s at this point that the image of them kissing comes to the forefront of my mind. Only this time they stop kissing and both look to me and start laughing. Almost as if they were playing me the whole time. They weren’t doing that were they? Could they have been seeing each other privately still? Did she even still love me? She easily could of gotten to know him better and decided that he was better than me. I could see that happening. Girls just seem to flock to him, so it’s possible right? Ok, maybe I should try to sleep. Yea, sleep will be very good right now. Ok, dude, stop thinking like that and just get some sleep. It’s been a long day and the brain needs to rest. Yes, apparently it really needs to if we're on 'they were hiding a relationship behind my back the whole time' train of thought. Yes, yes sleep is very good right now.

~~The Next Day~July 4, 2001~~

This morning I wake up around 9. Seriously? I couldn’t have slept in longer? I try to get some more sleep but it just isn’t working. So, I get ready for the day and go down to get some breakfast. Once I arrive in the room set up for just the people with the tour to eat in, I see that I’m not the only one that couldn’t sleep in longer, all the guys are here too.

I quickly grab a plate of food and go sit in the only available chair at the table, next to Chris. And of course, normally it wouldn’t bother me. But things are just different now. I sit there, not saying a word to anyone but I can feel them all exchanging looks and taking me in. We all sit like that for about five minutes or so before someone finally says something. Though, it’s not at all the person I would have expected.

“So, um, have you heard from Shawn?” I lift my head up and look at everyone at the table. All of which are looking down and staring intently at their food. Well, all but one. And when my eyes land on him and it all just snaps. Every little bit of anger I’ve been holding back for the last twenty-four hours floods out of me before I can even think to stop it or control it.

“What the hell does it matter to you? She’s not your girlfriend is she? Oh, yea, but that’s right. Being your girlfriend, or even someone else’s for that matter, doesn’t mean anything to you, now does it? You’ll still go around kissing any girl that you f**king feel like. So, you know what. Just stay the f**k away from me. Otherwise I just might have to best the s**t out of you for the pure fun of it!” I stand up and walk out. I can hear someone following me and I know that it’s Greg. But I don’t stop or slow down. I head to the stairs needing to burn off some of this 'angry' energy. I start taking the stairs two at a time and continue the whole way up to our floor.

Once I finally reach my door, I whip around and glare at Greg. “What the hell do you want?” I know that was harsh. But I seriously just need to cool off and be alone. And he’s interfering with both.

“Nothing man. Just wanted to make sure you’re ok. Or will be.” I shake my head at him and don’t answer as I turn back to my door, insert my key card and open it too roughly. I walk in and slam it in his face. Just fuck all of you! Well, for now at least. And leave me ALONE!


What in the world? Why won’t he even talk to me? I stand outside his door for about five minutes in shock. I just can’t see him not even wanting to talk to me. I turn to start heading back down to the make shift dining room but change my mind when I realize that I’m really not that hungry anymore. So, I turn back around and head to my room, pausing just slightly outside Jesse’s door before turning to open the one right across from his. He’ll talk to me when he’s ready.

I enter my room, crossing over to my bed, and collapse onto my back looking up at the ceiling. I lay there just trying to process everything that’s already happened on tour. Man and it’s only been about three weeks. I’m just laying here, staring off in space, when my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. I pull it out, with that movement of my hand being the only movement I make. I bring it up to my eye level and look at the new text. I sigh when I see that it’s from Shawn. “Happy 4th of July! How are you guys doing today?” It may seem harmless. But that’s just Shawn’s way of asking about Jesse. Did he even call her last night? I quickly reply back to her and set my phone down on the bed.

I turn onto my side and reach for the remote and turn the tv on, quickly flipping through the channels. My phone goes off again and I read the message without looking to see who it was from. “So sorry for how I acted earlier. But I just need to be alone for a while.” I stare at the screen confused for a minute before I actually look at who its from. Oh! Jesse! I immediately hit reply and send a message back, “Its ok, man. I understand. I’m here if you need to talk or whatever.”

I look at the tv again but not a minute later, my phone goes off again. I look at the text and release a sigh. Man, not this again. I stare at the screen, re-reading the text Shawn sent for around a minute before finally hitting reply and sending something back. “I don’t know. He’s in his room, he got the single last night. I think he just wants to be alone right now. But I’ll let him know that you're worried and want to talk to him.” I sigh as I send it to her and roll back onto my back to return to looking at the ceiling.

I understand that they are both confused but they seriously need to get all their thoughts and emotions sorted out fast. So, that we all can just move on.


After Jesse left followed by Greg, we all sit here in complete silence. Almost as if we are too scared to speak. Frank and I exchanged glances every once in a while, but Chris kept his head down looking at his plate though he never touched it again.

About ten minutes later, I can’t handle it anymore. I had to say something. “Ok, man. What the hell was that all about?” I see Frankie turn his head towards me before he faces Chris and looks him over. My eyes never waiver from Chris. I watch as he takes a few deep breaths before looking up and meeting my eyes. He closes his eyes for a few seconds and breathes one last deep breath real slow before he finally looks into my eyes again and answers me.

“Um, well,” he pauses to clear his throat and I can feel my patience fading, “Well, yesterday when Shawn came to tell me goodbye, we kind of kissed.” And he’s back to looking down at his plate. I glance at Frank before saying anything.

“Ok, well, what do you mean kind of?” Thankfully this time he’s not so hesitant about responding and answers me right away.

“I mean that she kissed me, I let her and kissed her back, then she realized exactly what we were doing and pushed me away and practically ran out the door away from me. With only a very hasty and mumbled goodbye aimed at me.” I look at Frankie again and let him take this one.

“Ok, so you kissed her.” Chris nods. “And I’m guessing that she told Jesse.” Another nod. “And they are still together?” Finally Chris looks up and meets our eyes. He nods slowly, with his brow furrowing in confusion. “Ok, then. So that means they're apparently working past it and love each other enough to try to get past it. So, I suggest that you do the same. Just forget it and move on.” Chris looks down at his plate again before looking back up to us and starting to get up from his chair.

“Wait.” He stops and turns back to face me. “Did you like the kiss Chris?” He looks down at his feet and then nods softly before continuing to leave.

I wake up the next morning feeling confused, worried, and hurt. I don’t understand. He said that he’d call. We had waited up as long as we were able to keep our eyes open just waiting for Jesse to call. But he never did. Though I’m sure that he’s just busy and tired. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. But it still doesn’t ease the hurt I feel. However, I’m just not able to fully believe it, as much as I really want to.

I wait till after Kensie leaves with her mom to try to get a hold of him. I call his phone before I eat and shower but get his voicemail, much to my dismay, however, I don’t leave a message. I go around and get ready for a day at cousin Donna’s, though she’s not my cousin but my dad’s, that’s just what I’ve always known her by. Then before we leave I try calling him again, though I know that it’ll just be a short conversation, only about five minutes, I just need to hear his voice. Still nothing, just the machine. I listen to the message and have to smile, remembering back to the day I took his phone.


I’m sitting in the guy’s room by myself being bored and nothing to do. They are all off getting ready for the show and then a short interview. I look around the room trying to find something, anything to do to fill the time, when I see Jesse’s phone laying on the table. I reach over and grab it to see if he has a game that I don’t have on mine. But once I unlock his keys and see the boring generic background, I look to see if his phone has a camera. It does. So instead I start to take pictures of myself trying to get a good one for the wallpaper.

Ten minutes later and I’m still not happy with all the ones I’ve taken and have deleted all but like two of them. Which I like but not as wallpapers. So I’ll just leave them on here for him to find later. I smile at the thought. And move onto looking at everything that he has on his phone. His phone starts ringing right as I had decided there was nothing more that I could do. I look at the ID and see that it’s Greg. Hmm…Jesse must have noticed he doesn’t have his phone. I smile as an idea comes to mind. I go hide in a place that will be easy for me to run from once he’s in the room, but that he can’t see me while he’s in here. As I’m sitting in my hiding spot, I dial his voicemail and select the button for options and then the one to change the voice message. I put the phone back to my ear and listen to the generic instructions, bobbing my head along and rolling my eyes periodically when the automated woman says something that I already know and have heard a thousand times. Finally I hear the beep and quickly look out in the hall, making sure the coast is still clear and then I start recording the new message.

“You have reached Jesse’s phone. I’m sorry but he is a little bit…um, well…preoccupied, if you will, at the moment,” I pause when I hear footsteps and some humming in the hall. I slowly look out and sigh in relief that it isn’t Jesse and continue, “but I’ll be sure to let him know you called.” I laugh in the receiver and hit the pound key to save and listen to the message. After listening to it I confirm that I want to keep it and then end the call and put his phone in my packet and wait, trying not to laugh at thinking of how the message sounded.

Just a few minutes later, Jesse enters the room looking for me. I immediately bolt out of the room, and hear him call my name as he starts running after me. I can’t help but laugh at the whole thing, he calls out to me again, telling me to come back. Psh. Yeah right, now why on Earth would I do that? I respond to him with more laughter and in a semi-high pitched sing song voice and continue on my way through the halls backstage. However in my amusement, I wasn’t paying too much attention to the direction I was going in and had trapped myself in a dead end hallway. I turn and see him approaching me. Man, you’d think I was his prey or something the way he’s looking at me and everything. I watch him close in on me and he starts to speak.

“So, darling, where are you going to go now?” My eyes widen on their own accord and I look around the hall again and start backing up but come up to the wall rather quickly. I look at him again and notice that he’s now within reach. He keeps walking towards me as he speaks again, “Now, where is my phone sweetie?”

I look him over as I look down to my feet, trying to look innocent and ask him a question in return, “Um, what makes you think that I have it?” He chuckles causing me to snap my head up and my eyes narrow ever so slightly as I meet his for the first time since this chase started. And for the first time noticing that he was still getting even closer to me as he answers the question that even I know was a stupid one.

“Maybe because I come back from getting ready and you and my phone are both gone. Or maybe it’s because you ran from me when all I wanted to do was ask if you had seen my phone.” He continued leaning in until his lips were brushing mine softly as he continued speaking. Without meaning to, my body relaxes against the wall and he smiles that adorable crooked smile of his that I love. And he continues speaking but alternating kisses in between each short sentence. “So, babe, where” Kiss. “Is.” Kiss. “My.” Kiss. “Phone?” Kiss. Ugh! Damn he’s good! Wanting more contact, I bring my arms up around his neck and pull him down to me slightly to deepen the kiss. He surprises me when he pulls back and speaks again, “You aren’t going to be able to distract me.”

I look at him briefly. Did that sound like a challenge? I smile at him softly before I say, “Just give me a second.” Pulling him closer again, I move my lips softly and sweetly against his. As I feel him start to let go and wrap his arms around my waist, I smile softly against his mouth and pull his phone from my pocket slowly and quietly. When he tightens his arms around me, I snap the picture. And he pulls back again and looks at my hand.

Looking back to me with a skeptical look, he asks me what I’m doing. I shrug my shoulders softly and answer, as if it’s nothing new, that I’m changing his wallpaper. As I close his phone and drop it in his pocket, he asks why I did that.

I look up into his green eyes softly and let myself fall into their warmth and the comfort of the smile that he’s trying to fight off. I smile at him too as I wrap my arms around his neck tightly again and reply, “So, you’ll never be without me.”

I sigh heavily at that memory and long to have that time back. It can’t really have happened only last week, could it? I hear the beep signaling to start my message and I release a slow breath before I start, “Um, hey babe, it’s me. I was just wanting to make sure you’re ok and everything. And to wish you a Happy 4th. Well, I hope that I’ll get to talk to you soon. I won’t be home till late tonight though, so if you can, call me back tomorrow. I love and miss you.” I hang up the phone right as Austin drives up the driveway and Dad comes downstairs signaling for all of us to head out.

I start to head out to the car but quickly remember my cell, and rush up stairs to get it off the charger.

“Shawn, now! We’re leaving!” My dad yells after me and I hear the door close. I get to my room and grab my phone as quickly as I can and rush back downstairs. Not even five minutes later we are on the road and heading to Donna’s. Every couple minutes I check my phone, knowing that once I get service, it won’t last long. And about twenty minutes later, I have two bars of signal. Finally. I open a new message and type quickly then send it to Jesse. After a couple minutes of no reply, I look a the clock. 10:43. He has to be awake by now. So, I open another new message and send it to Greg this time, getting a reply almost instantly. “Happy 4th! We’re all ok. How are you?” I stare at his message for a minute or two. Ok? What does that mean? ‘Ok’ can’t be good right? I send Jesse another message, waiting a minute for a response, and then send another one to Greg. “Thanks. I’m doing good. Haven’t heard from Jess and can’t reach him, do you know where he is?” I wait for a response, but it doesn’t come as fast this time. I look out my window furrowing my brow in confusion. What’s going on? About a minute later my phone vibrates again. I quickly read the message, “I don’t know. He’s in his room, he got the single last night. I think he just wants to be alone right now. But I‘ll let him know that you‘re worried and want to talk to him.” I read over the text a few times before hitting the reply button and sending a short message back. Then I lose service and turn my phone off and drop it into the hand grip on my door and look back to the passing scenery.


It took two more days for me to hear from Jesse the first time after leaving the tour. And we talked for a grand total of five minutes and eleven seconds. And every call since then, always a couple days apart, has been the same. Very short, with him claiming that he forgot he had something to do when he called me. I kept telling him that he can call me after the show, that it wouldn’t be a problem or bother my dad and step-mom, but he never did. And with each new shortened and hurried phone call, I can literally feel the wedge pushing itself further between us. Though the wedge might just be having help from a certain blond haired, green eyed boyfriend of mine. I sigh and roll over onto my side in my bed.

I arrived back at my mom’s last night. And since I’ve gotten back, I’ve hardly left my room. I just haven’t really been in the mood for socializing or anything. I’ve turned my cell to silent just because I didn’t want to hear it ring every time my friends’ call, which has been multiple times a day. And with thinking about them, my phone goes off again and I glance to the clock briefly before grabbing my cell to check the id. 1:13. It might be Jesse. It didn’t take long for me to get the routine down. He calls every third day, shortly after lunch. And then on the days he doesn’t call, Greg usually does. It’s pretty bad that I’ve talk to the other guys more than my boyfriends these last few weeks. Well, except Chris of course. I haven’t talked to him at all. But today is a Jesse day. And sure enough, that’s just who it is. I smile and answer my phone as I sit up in my bed.

“Hey Jess. How’s everything going?” I ask before he can even say anything. I hear him talk a deep breath and release it slowly before he says anything.

“Um, Shawn. We really need to talk.”


These last few weeks, I’ve been just avoiding everything. Anything and everything that revolved around that kiss. I haven’t spoken to Chris at all, and only with Shawn the absolute least amount of time that I can get away with. And I know that she knows what I’ve been doing. She’s too smart not to have figured it out. And if she didn’t on her own, I know that one of the guys would have told her anyway. I’m glad that she’s such good friends with them. It should hopefully help to make what I’m about to do a little easier. I talk a deep breath and release it before calling her. As the line rings through, I get up and walk out of the dressing room and back to the lot where the buses are parked, to have more privacy.

She answers on the third ring, “Hey Jess. How’s everything going?” I can hear the smile in her voice and I have to take another deep breath before I can say anything. Ok, man, you have to do this. You can’t keeping going on like this. It’s not healthy. So, just man up and tell her already.

I release the breath slowly, to steady my voice and start what very well might be the worst conversation that I’ve ever had to have. “Um, Shawn. We really need to talk.” I reach the secluded basketball court at the other end of the lot and sit on the ground with my back resting against one of the hoop poles.

“Oh, um, ok. What’s up? You sound stressed.” I look down to my knees as I bring them up so that my feet are flat on the cement. Taking another deep breath, I just blurt it out, completely aborting any plan that I had in my head to tell her easily.

“Well, Shawn, I’m breaking up with you.” Stupid, stupid, stupid. How can you be so stupid and insensitive to her? There’s a long pause on the phone and just when I was about to continue, I hear her take a deep breath, and I can tell that she’s trying not to cry.

“Oh.” And she’s not succeeding. I feel the tears fill my eyes at hearing hers laced through her voice. I continue staring at my knees and being my free hand up to pick at a loose string on my jeans as I continue, letting her know why.

“I’m sorry. It’s just I need more time. I didn’t think that I would or that it would be so hard to just forget about that kiss. But I can’t close my eyes without seeing you two kissing. And I need to get past this before we can continue being together.” I have to stop because my voice cracks and a lump has settled into my throat.

“But I could help you to get past it. We can move on together. We’ll be able to do it together. We have to at least try.” My tears fall down my cheeks as I hear the pleading in her voice.

“I’m sorry but this is just something that I need to do on my own.” My voice cracks again and I slide my eyes closed and tilt my head back to rest against the pole and take another deep breath to finalize this before I completely lose control of my emotions. “I’m sorry Shawn. I do love you but I just need time to get over this, and I can’t if we’re together. It’s over Shawn. I’ll call you if and when that time comes that we can try again. Goodbye.” I don’t wait for an answer before I hang up. I sit there in that position, with my eyes closed until it’s time for sound check, which Greg came and got me for. I could tell from one look at his face that he knew. That he knew what I had just done. Did I just make the absolute biggest mistake of my life?

“Yea, he’s asleep. I just checked his bunk. But I promise to have him text or call once he‘s up. :-)” I release a heavy sigh as I reply back to Greg, “Ok, then. Thanks for everything Greg.” I slouch lower in my seat and turn to look out the window.

“So, did you have fun on your trip?” I can hear that my dad is generally curious. But I’m just not in the mood to talk about it right now. I really just want to make sure Jesse is really ok.

“Um, yea, it was a lot fun. Getting to see new places with some of my best friends, it’s what you’d expect it to be.” I glance at him quickly before turning back to the window and resting my head against it softly.

“That’s great Pumpkin. I’m glad you had fun. Can’t wait to see all your pictures you said you were taking.” I felt his eyes on me, so I just nodded and tried not to think too much into Jesse not responding to my texts. He was just tired, like Greg said. So he fell asleep. And how do I know that he’s even seen any of them. He could have fallen right to sleep as soon as he laid down in his bunk. I’ll just have to wait for him to call me later. I sigh and recline my seat back to try to get some sleep myself.


I wake up and see scenery that I’m all too familiar with. Home. I sigh as I sit up straighter and stretch as best as I can in the confines of a vehicle.

“Good, you’re awake. You hungry? Do you want to stop somewhere and eat before heading to the house?” I look over at Dad and then back to my surroundings.

“Um, sure Sonic sounds fine.” Silence consumes us again as he drives up the road to where Sonic is at and then pulls in. We both look at the menu, yet again in silence. “Um, I’ll just have the chicken strip dinner with a strawberry limeade.” He nods to me and rolls the window down to push the call button. He tells them our order and again silence consumes us. I grab my phone to check for anything. Nothing. But they should be in Kansas City by now, right? I shrug and decide that I’ll try texting them both after I eat.

A few minutes later our food arrives. And again we eat in complete silence. I sigh once I'm full, close the box, and put it on the floor in between the two seats. I look at my phone again. They have to be there already, right? I mean it takes longer to get to Southwest Missouri than to get straight across it, right? Ok, Shawn just quit stalling and text him. Why are you so nervous? He is your boyfriend after all.

I take a deep breath and release it slowly before finally opening a new message. “Hey. Are you guys in Kansas City yet?” I quickly select Jesse from my contact list and hit send. Releasing a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

I wait a few minutes and when I still hadn’t heard anything back, I sent the same thing to Greg, receiving a reply almost immediately. “Yea, we just got into city limits. We’re on our way to the venue now.” I smile softly.

“Ok, so is Jesse still asleep?” I wait patiently for a response as my dad starts the car and pulls out of the spot to head to the house.

After a few more minutes, I finally received a reply. “No, he just got up. But we also just arrived at the venue and we have to grab a very quick lunch and then go to sound check.” I sigh yet again, this time getting the attention of my dad.

“You ok Pumpkin?” I turn to him sharply, just staring at him for a little bit.

“Um, yea Dad, everything’s fine.” I turn back to my phone to send a reply to Greg and another text to Jesse.

“Oh, ok. Well, then have a good sound check. I’m going to be losing service soon. So, I’ll talk to you later.” I send the reply to Greg and open a new message. “I hope you have a good sound check. You can call me at Dad’s later when you have time. I love you.” I send it to Jesse and close my phone putting it back in my purse as I watch the scenery passing by again.


“Hey man. Get up! We’re here!”

“Ugh!” I roll over and slowly open my eyes to see Greg walking away and to the front of the bus. I stand up out of my bunk and stretch my sore and still tired muscles. I grab my phone just as it vibrates again. I look at the screen. New text message, Shawn. I sigh again and get ready to drop my phone into my pocket, but stop as I catch a glimpse of my wallpaper. I smile as I remember the day that she took the picture.

~~Flashback~~

“SHAWN!!” I hear her laughter out in the hall, so I run out there and see her round a corner. I immediately start running down the hall after her. “SHAWN! Come back here!!” I hear her laughter as it rings out again.

“I don’t think so.” She replies is a sing-song voice. I shake my head and continue chasing her.

I laugh at her as I notice just where we are. She has run her way down into a dead end hallway. I smile at her as she turns back around and realizes her mistake.

“So, darling, where are you going to go now?” I slow down and start walking towards her. I chuckle a little as I watch her eyes widen and she starts looking around her again and backing up against the wall, her head fixing forward again as I enter within an arms length. “Now, where is my phone sweetie?” I ask as I continue getting closer to her.

“Um, what makes you think that I have it?” She looks down at her feet, looking all innocent. I chuckle again, and her head snaps up, her eyes meeting mine head on for the first time since we started our little cat and mouse chase.

“Maybe because I come back from getting ready and you and my phone are both gone. Or maybe it’s because you ran from me when all I wanted to do was ask if you had seen my phone.” I slowly lean in more while I‘m speaking, my lips brushing against hers as I finish my sentence. I smile a crooked smile when she visibly relaxes into the wall. “So, babe, where.” Another soft kiss. “Is.” Kiss. “My.” Kiss. “Phone?” Kiss. She brings her arms up around my neck, pulling me closer and deepening the kiss. I pull back. “You aren’t going to be able to distract me.”

“Just give me a second.” She pulls me closer again crashing my lips to hers. This time though, her mouth moving sweetly against mine. Just as I let myself go and wrap my arms around her waist, I hear a shutter sound. I pull back again and look at her hand. My phone. She has it open and facing us.

“What are you doing?” I ask her, giving her a skeptical look.

“Changing your wallpaper.” She responds nonchalantly.

“And why are you doing that?” I wrinkle my brow at her while giving her a little smirk.

“So, you’ll never be without me.” She closes my phone and drops it into my pocket before leaning up and giving me yet another kiss.

I sigh as I plop down onto the couch, silently thankful that everyone is already off the bus to eat. I look at my phone again. So, you’ll never be without me. I remember that day better than any other in my life. I can still hear her voice so perfectly saying that to me, still smell her shampoo mixed softly with her body wash and body spray, and the feel of her touch on my skin and lips against mine that day. It was all so sweet and soft, the absolute sweetest and softest touches and kisses that we ever shared.

I sigh again and start at the beginning of my inbox. “Hey babe, miss you already.” “Um, well, ok. Are you sure that you’re ok?” “Um, well, does that mean you’re not ok?” “I mean, I do understand if you’re mad or upset.” “I can’t say that I blame you.” I sigh again as I continue reading through them. Finally, the last one, “I hope you have a good sound check. You can call me at Dad’s later when you have time. I love you.”

I smile and hit the reply button. “I love you too. I’ll talk to you later, I’m about to be late for sound check.” I hit send, stand up, and bounce down the stairs heading into the venue.


I’m lost in my own thoughts, when I hear my phone going off. Upon digging it out of my pocket, I see that I have a new text message. I quickly answer it, hoping to keep signal long enough to be able to reply. Jesse. I smile to myself, silently relieved that he is talking to me. “I love you too. I’ll talk to you later, I’m about to be late for sound check." I released a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding and quickly hit the reply button. “Ok, have a great sound check. I’ll talk to you soon. Love you! :-)” I hit the send button and watch the screen to make sure it sends. Once I get the confirmation that it was sent, I close my phone and put it back in my pocket. I lean back into my seat and look back out the window as we turn onto the road that Dad lives on.

Once we get to the house, I rush in and run up to my room. After unpacking and separating out my laundry, I head down to the laundry room to start a load, grabbing the house phone as I pass it. With my load is in, I dial Kensie’s number. I wait as it rings.

“Hello?” I sigh in relief that she’s the one that answers. I’m really not in the mood to act all happy, especially with how I left things, for Becky.

“Hi, Kens, it’s me. Can you come over?” I ask all in one breath. I’m sure that she can tell something is wrong.

“Um, hey Shawn. Yea, let me go check.” I hear some rustling around on the other her end. Then finally some mumbled talking for a few minutes. Then her finally coming back on the phone. “Yea, I can. But Mom’s going to come pick me up around 9 tomorrow. We have to go to my aunt’s for the day.”

“Ok, I’ll see you in a few then.” We hang up and I run to let Dad know that she’s coming over and staying the night. I walk in the living room but he’s not there. Just Nathan in there watching TV. “Umm, hey Nate. Where’s my dad?” He looks up at me kind of confused for a second. But when he still hadn’t answered me after a few minutes I roll my eyes and put a hand on my hip. “Well?”

“Huh. Oh, I think he’s in the shop. When did you get here?” I was already heading out the room so I just yelled something back to him. Then continued on my way outside. Not bothering with shoes. I walk in the shop and see Dad’s latest ‘investment’, a new drag car. Like he’s ever seriously going to go down the track again.

“Hey Dad?” I look around but don’t see him. However he does hear me and answers so I follow his voice. Once I see him, I let him know about Kensie. “Hey Dad. Um, I just called Kens and she’s going to be staying over tonight, ok? She’s on her way now.”

“Ok, that’s fine but we have to be at Donna and Patrick’s tomorrow for lunch and stay through till fireworks.” He never looks at me. That happens a lot when he’s working in the shop.

“I know. Becky’s going to come pick her up around 9 in the morning cause they have to go to her aunt’s anyway.”

“Ok, then. You have fun.” He turns to me as we hear a car coming up the driveway.

“Ok, we will.” I turn to go meet Kens so that I can tell her all the latest and see what she thinks about it. Man, I really hope that Jesse can call before the show tonight, instead of after.

As I walk out of the shop, Kensie’s closing the car door and starting towards the house. I yell out to her and she waits for me before we head up to my room, after stopping in the kitchen and grabbing snacks and drinks to last us a little while. As soon as the door closes, the questioning starts, as I figured it would.

“Ok, what’s wrong?” I look at her as I walk over to sit on my bed in front of her. Well, that’s definitely not the first thing I thought she’d ask.

“Um, well,” I look down at the cookie in my hand, “it’s a long story and I still can’t really wrap my head around it.” I glance up at her but she’s just sitting there studying me and waiting patiently for me to continue once I’m ready. I clear my throat and plunge in, head first, into the whole story of everything that happened since the last time I talked to her, which was a couple weeks ago. Man, has it really been that long since I last talked to any of my friends here? I look her over, trying to gauge her reaction and emotions once I’m finished.

“Ok, let me make sure I got this straight.” She gets up of the bed and starts pacing back and forth in front of me. I don’t move. I just sit there following her with my eyes. “So, you and Chris got close, but you never told Jesse that you were hanging out with him. Then Jesse found out, and you stop hanging out with Chris, at least alone. Was this a subconscious decision?” She looks to me and it takes me a minute to realize she wants me to answer the question. Had I consciously decided to stop being alone with Chris? I thought about it for a few minutes before meeting her eyes again and shaking my head no. “Ok, so you knew and understood what you were doing.” And she’s back to pacing. “This goes on till today. With the goodbye being the first time since then that you were completely alone with Chris.” She stops and looks at me again, I nod quickly and she continues. “Ok, so then during the goodbye, you say that you feel a pull of sorts to Chris. Like you were both just drawn to each other and couldn’t do anything about it.” I nod again, though I was no longer looking at her, I could tell she was wanting more confirmation. She releases a breath, long and slow before continuing. “Ok. Then before you could fully register what happened, you kissed him and he kissed back. But after only seconds you realized the reality of your position and pushed him away, saying a hasty goodbye and leaving the room. Then you went to Jesse’s and Greg’s room. Where you were trying to tell Greg but couldn’t before you remembered that Jesse was in the room too. Then Greg left, but returned before you could completely tell Jesse what had just happened.” I’m continuing to nod all along as she recalls everything that I just told her, still having yet to look at her again. “So, then you all head to the elevator, and on the ride down to the lobby is when you tell Jesse. In which, he responds calmly and almost relaxed and says that you’ll move past it. Then you say goodbye to Greg who takes Jesse’s things and goes to the bus, while you and Jesse head to your dad’s car. Then you make sure he’s really ok, he says he is. You kiss, then your dad says you have to leave. So, you get in the car and watch him till you can’t anymore.” She releases a breath again and I look up to her.

“Yes.” My voice is just above a whisper and sounds weak. And that’s when I realize that I’m crying. I reach up and dry my face with my hands.

“Ok, but you don’t think that Jesse is really ok because he never replied to you. But Greg said he was just sleeping. So, you didn’t even know if he had seen the texts yet.”

“Right.”

“But then as you were about to lose service, he texts you saying he’ll call later and that he’s late for sound check.”

“Yes.”

“Ok. So, I guess we wait till he calls.” I look at her surprised.

“What?” She looks at me and takes her previous seat on the bed.

“We wait to see if he calls. Then you can talk to him, make sure that he’s ok, and move on.” I furrow my brow in confusion. She’s seriously not going to tell me anything? Nothing at all! No advice, opinion, NOTHING!

“Wait, you’re seriously not going to say anything about any of this?” She starts shaking her head.

“No. I mean, I could, yes. There’s plenty that I could say. But there’s not point. It’s said and done. And whatever damage there is, has been done. All we can do now is damage control. So whatever I say, is pointless at this point.” She looks me over for a second before continuing. “However, what you have to say isn’t so pointless.” I look at her again in confusion.

“What do you mean what I have to say.” She stands up again and walks across the room then turns to face me and leans against my dresser, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Well, I’m curious about your answer to a certain question. You told Jesse that you started the kiss.” She pauses only long enough for me to nod, agreeing with her. “Ok, so you started it. Now, I know that you said Jesse asked you this already, but I’m asking again. And I want the first answer that comes to mind. Absolutely no thinking about it. Just the answer that feels natural to you. This answer will shine so much light on the whole situation, no matter what way it goes, ok?” She pauses again, waiting for my agreement. So, that’s why she felt the need for space. She’s scared I’ll pound her or something for asking me this again. I sigh and nod slowly. “Ok, then. Did you like or enjoy the kiss with Chris?”

I close my eyes and answer without thinking at all, like she asked me to do. “Yes, I did. Definitely way too much.”

As I walked onto the bus, I felt as if all the guys knew and were staring at me. Keeping my head down, I walked back to my bunk and that’s where I’ve stayed. Just thinking everything over. I’ve repeated her telling me so many times already. And it never gets better. Am I mad? Definitely! Who am I mad at exactly? That is the million dollar question Alex. Which might be why I was so calm and quick to forgive and forget. I sigh heavily and roll over onto my side as my phone vibrates yet again.

I pick it up. A text message. From Shawn. I sigh again and toss my phone to the other side of the bunk. We’ve already been on the road for about two hours. I keep trying to get some sleep but my thoughts keep stopping me from being able to do so. All I see when I close my eyes is her and Chris. Them kissing. Them smiling at each other. Him smiling at me behind her back with a triumphant grin. That’s where my eyes always spring open. I sigh again.

He didn’t win right? I mean, she is still my girlfriend. But will she still want to be after she’s had time to fully process the kiss? Can we truly get past this and just move on? Too many questions that don’t have answers. And the more I try to think of answers for them, I just come up with even more questions.

I roll back over onto my back. Looking directly above me, my eyes meeting a picture of us. Taken the first day of the tour, neither of us aware that Greg had even brought a camera that day. I study her face carefully. Like I’ve done so many times before. So many times already today. And coming up with the same conclusion, I close my eyes again and will my mind to shut off for the last hours of the ride to Kansas City.

Even a blind man could see the love radiating off her, and me too actually, in that picture. And finally I fall into a restless sleep, but sleep nonetheless.


I think we all knew that something happened between Shawn, Chris, and Jesse. We just didn’t know what. We being myself and Matt. I’m ok with being left in the dark until someone felt the need to fill me in, if it was ever felt that is. Matt, however, hates to be left out. Therefore, as Greg was in the front of the bus playing his guitar and Chris and Jesse were both sleeping in their bunks, that left me to hear and deal with Matt’s ‘whining’ about not knowing what was going on, in the back of the bus.

“Are you even listening to me?” I look over at him and sigh.

“Matt. Again, it’s none of our business, if there is even something going on. They are all old enough to figure it out on their own. If any of them need us to know, they will tell us. So, just chill and let me watch my movie.” I turn back to the tv as he crosses his arms over his chest and slouches into the couch with a pout. I shake my head at his behavior and watch the movie.


I wish that I could have been the first one on the bus, just so that I could have avoided the questions as I walked through the front to my bunk. From the sounds of it Frankie and Matt were the only ones on the bus so far, so that was good. Just meant that I could get to my bunk and hide out till we reached the next venue. Hopefully getting some more sleep.

And that’s where I’ve been since. In my bunk. Trying to sleep. Though sleep was evading me at the moment. I heard when Greg and then Jesse came onto the bus. Greg quickly telling Matt and Frank not to ask Jesse anything. I hope they took that as he was just taking it hard that Shawn left. I really don’t need any of my other friends mad at me. Though I know that logically they will all know eventually. And then the rest of this tour will be hell for me, I’m sure.

But right now, no matter how hard I tried, and I was trying, I couldn’t get that kiss our of my mind. The way her lips felt on mine. Their softness, perfect shape, how they moved with mine. It was all just so, in one simple word, perfect. But I can’t be thinking or feeling this way. She’s one of your best friends’ girlfriends. She’s not your’s to kiss or thinking about kissing. You have to get her out of your head for good!

I sigh for the millionth, billionth, who really knows how many, time and roll over onto my stomach. Turning my head to face the wall as I hear yet another soft buzzing sound, indicating a phone vibrating. Being able to hear Greg strumming his guitar, and Frankie and Matt talking and watching tv, I knew it was Jesse’s phone. Meaning that it was also Shawn that he was talking to.

Just close your eyes, and forget about her. She’s not meant to be with you. She’s with Jesse and will always be with Jesse. The one kiss is all you’ll ever have with her and you weren’t even suppose to have it. So, just leave any thought, hope, and dream of you and her ever being together in that hotel room in St. Louis.

With that final thought, I closed my eyes, and drifted into a dreamless sleep for the first time since Shawn walked into my life.


To say that I was shocked that Jesse wasn’t mad, well as least didn’t let her know he was mad, would be a huge understatement. I figured that he would have at least looked upset and hurt. Though, I’m very glad and proud of him for taking the high, more mature, road. But he is only fourteen and could get away with acting mad, hurt, upset, and even irrational about his girlfriend telling him she just kissed someone else. No one would have judged him or thought bad of him for it. Most would have even thought it to be justified. And from the look on her face, when he said they should be able to move past it, well she definitely wasn’t expecting such a reaction from him either. Especially not the one that she got and he gave.

As promised, I’ve been texting her since we both left St. Louis. And now she’s frustrated because Jesse hasn’t answered any of her texts. I was finally able to calm her down and confirm that it was a good thing that Jesse reacted the way he did. Though I can’t help thinking, like she is, that he’s hiding what he’s really feeling just because he wants to protect her from knowing just how hurt he really is. Or even because he does love her enough to hide the hurt and pain and try to act like it never happened. I’m really going to have to talk to him to find out. It’s never good to keep something like this all bottled up.

So, I’ve just been sitting up front, by myself, messing around on my guitar and texting Shawn. I saw Matt and Frankie briefly before they went to the back to watch a movie or play a video game or whatever. I haven’t seen Chris at all but I know that he’s hiding out from Jesse, still thinking that he’s mad at him. Which he might be, I’m not too sure. And then Jesse is in his bunk, I know he’s awake, I keep hearing him moving around, but he’s ignoring Shawn. Though I can’t say that I blame him. But the least he could do is text her saying that he’s going to sleep. Even if he’s not actually able to. Thus leaving me to calm her down and reassure her that he’s just trying to get some sleep since we were all up so late last night.

I sigh as my phone goes off yet again. I pick it up and view the new message. “You’re sure that he’s sleeping?” I sigh again, hating to lie to her. So, I get up and walk to his bunk.

“Jess? You up man?” After not hearing anything or receiving an answer for a few minutes, I slowly open his curtain. And sure enough, he’s finally asleep. I quickly text her letting her know. And promising to have him text or call as soon as he wakes up.

As I turn to close his curtain and leave, I see his phone, tossed haphazardly down by his feet. I softly and quietly grab it and look at the screen after unlocking it. ‘26 messages.’ I shake my head. He really needs to figure this all out soon. He just can’t keep ignoring her like this. I toss his phone back down where it had been, close the curtain, and walk back up to the front.

Once I get back to my room. Lea had just gotten out of the shower. I send her a smile as I walk to my suitcase and get out my pajamas.

“Um, Shawn?” I look over my shoulder at her briefly letting her know I was listening and she could continue. “Um, can I go with you tonight?” I immediately stop what I'm doing and turn to face her.

“What do you mean?” I ask while looking at my feet.

“You know what I mean. To Greg’s and Jesse’s room. Can I go too?” I turn back around and get my clothes before turning to go the bathroom. I stop just inside the door with my hand on the knob and turn to her again.

“How did you know about that?” She shrugs.

“Everyone knows about it. I’m not sure if the parents do or not, if they do, then they apparently don’t care. But it’s your last night and I want to get to get to hang and talk with you some more.”

“Everyone seriously knows? For how long?” I was dumbfounded. As far as I know, none of us have told anyone about it.

“I don’t know, since like the third night that you were leaving to talk to Greg. But can I? Please?” I look at her again and release a sigh before I nod softly and give her a smile. I turn into the bathroom, close the door, and start the water.


I get back to my room and look around. All the guys are in mine and Greg’s room, dressed for bed, and looking too comfortable for their own good. I look at Greg and he just shrugs at me.

“Um, what’s up guys?” I ask taking turns glancing at each of them. I make it through three times and still no one has said anything. “OK, what’s seriously going on? Why are you all here?”

“Oh, we’re waiting on Aaron.” I look at Matt with my brow furrowed.

“Ohkay…why are you all waiting for Aaron? And why are you waiting for him here and not in your own rooms?”

“Oh, well we told him to meet us here because we thought that we all could hang out with you, Greg and Shawn and watch a movie or something.” I look at Frank with wide eyes and then turn to Greg who just shrugs again.

“What do you mean? Who said that Shawn was going to be here too?” I ask completely shocked and a little nervous.

“Dude, everyone knows that she has been hanging with you both every night for like the last month.” I turn to Chris. How on Earth do they know this? I look at Greg and he looks just as surprised. Hmm, well he didn’t tell anyone, I know that I didn’t. And I’m very positive that Shawn didn’t either.

“So can we?” My thoughts are interrupted by Matt; I turn to him before I walk over to my bag to get my clothes.

“How does everyone know about it?” I ask with my back turned.

“Um, well, I’m not too sure. But I know that you three always talking and having inside jokes tipped it off a little bit.” Frank answers me. I turn around and nod my head before heading into the bathroom to change. A few minutes later, I emerge changed and ready for bed. I look at the clock, Shawn should be here in about five minutes. I look back at my friends releasing a sigh. Man, they know that I can’t say no to this. As much as I want her to myself tonight, we weren’t going to be alone anyway, so I can’t tell them that they can’t hang out with their friend for her last night with us too. And they know this. I sigh again before finally answering Matt’s earlier question.

“Yea, you can stay. One last hang out before the inevitable.” I walk over to my bed and sit down for a few minutes before she gets here.

We sit in silence till there’s a knock at the door. I start to get up as Greg does too. I sit back down since he’s closer to the door anyway. Once he opens the door wider for us all to see, I know that I’m surprised. It’s Aaron and Angel. We all chorus variations of hellos as they walk in and get comfortable on the couch and floor. Before Greg can even sit back down there is another knock on the door and he turns right around to answer it. I know that it’s Shawn because as soon as Greg sees who’s at the door, he smiles real big. I slide over on my bed a little to give her more room. I smile at her as she enters the room but it drops to an expression of shock as I see Lea enter the room after her. Lea waves at everyone and walks straight to Angel and sits next to her. We’ve been ambushed from every angle! Shawn walks over and sits next to me. I face her and give her a small kiss that she returns.

“Why are they all here?” She whispers to me. I give her a smile and a small shrug.

“Why is Lea here?” I whisper back, figuring that she gave Shawn the same deal the guys gave me. She releases a sigh and nods showing that she understands what I mean. She leans into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her head before turning back to the room full of our friends.

“So, what are we going to watch?” Aaron asks everyone turning to look around the room too.

“Um, let’s just see what’s on and go from there.” Greg replies as he grabs the remote and starts flipping through the channels.


It’s been a few hours since we all settled in to hang out and watch a movie. After the first one, I can’t tell you what it was considering I was talking with Jess, Greg, and Lea the whole time, half of everyone filed out and went to bed. Now we are a little over half way through the second one, again, don’t ask what it is, and the only people left are me, Jesse, Greg, and Lea.

It was a pretty fun night. We had never had a night like tonight. The only times we all hung out like this was on the rare day off at the pool or mall or something. The mall was always tricky though, we almost always got mobbed. So, we usually had to divide into at least three groups and rotate through or something throughout the day. But anyway. We really should have done this more often.

“What time do you think you’ll be home tomorrow?” I look at Greg briefly before turning my attention down to mine and Jesse’s entwined hands.

“Um, I think it will be around noon or so. But we’ll probably stop somewhere for lunch. You can text me the whole trip though. I’ll let you know when I’ll lose service and say bye then.” They both nod at me and then we’re all silent. I look over at Lea in the chair after a few minutes and have to chuckle a little bit.

“Well, she didn’t make it.” Greg and Jesse both look at Lea, shaking their heads.

“I guess I’d better take her to bed.” Jesse starts to get up but Greg stops him.

“Nah, I can take her. Shawn where’s your key card?” Greg asks as he slips on his sandals.

“It’s over on the end table.” I reply as Jesse tries to get up yet again.

“Are you sure man? I can take her.” Jesse asks yet again still trying to get up.

“Nah, man. Its fine and no problem. Stay here and say good night to Shawn.” Greg gently bends down and picks Lea up bridal style and walks to the door. Oh, if only she knew about this. Jesse meets him at the door and holds it open for him. Once he’s out in the hall, Jess closes the door and leans against it with his head tilted back and his eyes closed. I watch him for a minute before getting up and walking to him. Once I get to him, I gently grab his sides and he wraps his arms around my waist. I rest my head on his chest and just listen to him breathe for a few seconds before I decide to say something.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask him softly as we stay in the same position. I hear and feel him sigh, causing me to turn my head up slightly to look at him.

“Just you and tomorrow. Well, today actually.” I nod softly against his chest and take in his features. His eyes are still closed and he would look very relaxed and peaceful if you weren’t too close to him or if you just glanced in his direction. But upon a closer study, you can see the worry lines on his forehead and that his mouth is pierced tightly shut. I sigh and gently raise a hand to his cheek.

“Hey,” I wait till he looks at me to say anything more, “it’s all going to be fine. We’ll be OK, it will all work out the way it’s meant to be and for the best. I promise.” I give him a small crooked smile, which he returns, before I lean up and give him a kiss.

After a few seconds of moving my lips with his, he tightens his arms around my waist, pulling me as close as possible, and runs his tongue along my bottom lip. I moan ever so slightly as I grant him the access that he’s requesting. As our tongues softly massage against one another, I start to run my fingers of one hand through the hair at the nape of his neck, leaving the other one on his cheek.

I regrettably start to pull away a few minutes later. But I need some air, and I’m sure that he does as well. As our lips break apart, he rests his forehead against mine. I sigh and then take a deep breath, breathing all of him in slowly. I sigh again, this time getting a kiss as his response. He pulls away briefly, looking deep into my eyes and bringing his hands to cup my cheeks. I try to smile at him, but seeing all the sadness, pain, and signs of fresh tears in his eyes make it come out forced and half-assed. So, I just lean up and give him another soft, gentle, sweet kiss. This one ending with the unsaid good night and me leaving to go to my own room.


I crawl out of my bed as my alarm goes off for the third time, not that I even needed it since I was never able to fall asleep. But I found that once my alarm went off, I didn’t feel like getting up and facing the day. And yet you thought of getting up for every minute that you lay awake. Talk about your irony. I sigh as I bring my arms down from stretching above my head. I walk to my packed bags and grab the clothes I left out on my one open bags and go to the bathroom to get ready. Before anyone left last night we agreed to meet in the dining room to eat breakfast together at seven, giving us an hour to eat and say goodbye.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and flinch at the sight before me. It doesn’t even look like me, just like a pale shell of me. You can completely tell that I haven’t gotten any sleep in a few days with the sunken look my eyes have thanks to the dark circles around them. I sigh as I grab my makeup bag and change my mind about not wearing any today. I’m so going to need it to even remotely try to fool my dad about going to bed at a decent hour.

Once I’m done, I silently thank Cosmo for the makeup tips that they have in every issue. I look presentable enough, and even slightly refreshed, though you can still tell that I’m tired. But at least you’re no longer the picture of the walking dead. I finish packing up all my belongings in the bathroom and turn to open the door. I quickly put everything away and do another sweep of the room to make sure I have everything. I sigh with a small nod once I’m satisfied that I’m not going to forget something and walk back to my bags. Closing the last one, I grab them and move them closer to the door for easier access when it’s time to leave.

I turn again, taking in the whole sight of the room from my spot by the door. I see Lea still sleeping in her bed and all her stuff scattered through the room. Man, I’m going to miss her. Hell, I’m just going to miss this. All of it. Everything that goes with touring and what I’ve been able to partake in the whole last month. I sigh again before glancing at my watch and turning to leave the room, making sure I have my room key. There’s no harm in being a little early.

Once I get to the dining room, I look to see if anyone is there yet. And to my surprise, both Jesse and Greg are at a table already. I smile at seeing them. Well, more specifically, at seeing Jesse. I walk over to them and gently squeeze the back of Jesse’s neck as I walk around him to the chair on his left side. I sit down as he turns to me sending me a small smile. I look him over closely and see the same thing that I saw on myself just a little bit ago. I return the smile before I lean to him and give him a peck on the lips.

“You didn’t get that much sleep, did you?” I ask, concern taking over my features. I look over at Greg and can tell that he didn’t either. I sigh again. “And neither do you?” I ask again directing it to Greg this time. They both shake their heads softly, turning back to their food.

I reach over and grab a piece of Jesse’s bacon, keeping the routine for as long as possible. He sends me another smile and pushes his plate towards me a little bit. I smile back and lock eyes with him for a few brief minutes before we hear noise coming from the hall. Not one of us needs to turn to know who it is. It’s the same every morning. I really don’t know why I thought today would be any different. We continue eating as our friends continue with their antics through the buffet line and till they reach our table.

There was a time when they kept it up once getting to the table, but after about the fourth or fifth day, I lost it on them and they haven’t continued with the games and bickering since. I look around at everyone, sending them all a smile, like every morning. And they all returned the gesture as we carry on like this was any other morning.


So far this morning is like any other. That is until Mike entered the dining room with the rest of the parents at the same time as usual. Seeing him was like the reminder that no matter how much we all might want it to be, this is not a dream and Shawn in leaving the tour and us in less than an hour.

I look around at all my friends, people that will forever be considered as family to me. We would seem so happy to the outsider, but I can see that hint of sadness just beneath the surface in each of them and even a small glint of pain in two people in particular. And I know that no matter how hard we all will try, that we can’t make this any better for them or even really try to because none of us can relate to them right now. None of us have ever been in love so much that it hurt to even think about having to be away from that person for who knows how long.

I look at Shawn and Jesse off in their own little world, as was always the case. And for the first time, I can understand them to an extent. At least understand why they would always whisper to each other and be away from the group for the most part. All they were ever trying to do was spend as much time as they possibly could together. I sigh as my heart breaks a little for my friends and what they are about to go through.

I turn to look over at the parents table that’s just a little ways away, as always, and I see Mike walking to us. Well, here comes the inevitable. The final goodbye. At least for God only knows how long.

“Hey Pumpkin, we need to go get the bags and get ready to hit the road.” Mike says once he reaches Shawn’s side. She looks up at him and nods softly before looking around at all of us. Jesse stands up next to her taking her other hand in his and pulling her up too. She locks eyes with him and for a minute I feel like I should look away as to not intrude on their private moment. As I’m about to look away, I see them try to smile at each other.

“Well, I’m going to go say goodbye to everyone else real quick.” Shawn says. I can tell that it’s directed to us as well as her dad. He nods and walks off. She turns back to face us and releases a breath. “Um, I’ll meet you all in your rooms as your getting your bags then. Say in about fifteen minutes?” She waits for us all to nod before heading over to the family/parents table. We get up and head to our respective rooms, Jesse staying to wait at the elevator for Shawn.


I went over the parents table to say goodbye. As I was walking over, I couldn’t decide if I was happy or sad about having said goodbye to all the crew the day before, as all I seem to want right now is more time. But I know that can’t/won’t happen. My goodbyes to Matt’s, Frank’s, and Greg’s families are fairly quick. I stop once Jesse's family is left and glance around the dining room and see that it’s just us; Ginger, Scot, who got to meet up with us for a few weeks for the holiday, Lea, Timmy, and myself, left in the entire room. I sigh as I bring my eyes to Scot. He opens his arms knowingly. I smile as I pretty much fall into them. I wrap my arms around his waist and feel the same comfort that I feel with my own dad. I pull back, tears already starting to sting my eyes, and he’s smiling down at me too.

“We’ll try to come visit before school starts. The tour ends in a few weeks, it should be possible.” I nod and give him another, shorter hug, and whisper ‘goodbye’ so that only he can hear. We pull apart and he leaves the room to start gathering their bags.

I look to Lea and she tries to smile at me. I send her a small one in return. “So, I can seriously call you anytime for anything?” She asks for like the millionth time, causing me to give her a genuine smile. I nod. “Even if everything doesn’t work out between you and Jess? I mean you’d still be there then, right?” I release a small chuckle and nod at her again. She is visibly relieved that I haven't changed my mind. I open my arms to her and she jumps into them wrapping hers tightly around me. “I’m going to miss you so much. No matter what happens, you’re my sister. And it was so great to have another girl around for once.” Ginger clears her throat and we both laugh. Lea pulls away from me with tears in her eyes and turns to her mom. “You know what I mean Mom.” She laughs again before being shoed off to get her things. She gives me another hug and then starts to walk away.

“Oh, and Lea?” I ask causing her to spin around and look at me. “You’re always my sister too. No matter what. Promise.” I send her a smile as she smiles brightly and turns back around.

I look at who's next. Timmy. My little man. The T Mac. Simply put: T. He’s standing on his chair, facing me, with tears already threatening to fall down his little face. “Awe, little man, what’s wrong?” I ask as I walk up to him.

“Mommy said I can’t see you anymore.” I look at Ginger and she shakes her head with a knowing smile. I smile back because I know that she’d never put it that way and that his little brain just interpreted it that way.

“T Mac, I’m sure she didn’t mean never though.” He looks up at me, skeptically. “Seriously. I just have to go to my home now. We’ll see each other again. I know it right in here.” I grab his hand in mine and put them up to his heart and then mine. His face brightens ever so slightly. “And just like Lea is always going to be my sister, you’ll always be my little man, my little brother, okay?” He nods his head before doing his classic ‘jump without warning into your arms and you’d better catch him’ hug. I laugh as he starts to giggle and squeezes me around the neck with all his might. “Oh, how I’m going to miss you, little man.”

“I miss you too.” He says as he pulls back. I feel the tears welling up even more and being even closer to falling. “What’s wrong sissy?” I smile at him and shake my head briefly until I have better control of my emotions.

“I love you Timmy.” He immediately straightens up at me saying his name. Which I can understand since I’ve hardly ever called him Timmy, only whenever he was in trouble while I was watching him, which rarely happened.

“I love you too Shawn.” I smile at him saying my name since he too usually would call me sis or sissy, except for the minutes of pure excitement. Man, how I’m so going to miss this kid. I squeeze him to me again before I pull back at look at Ginger. I sigh walking to her while holding Timmy’s hand. She sends me a smile before wrapping me in her arms too. I wrap my free arm around her as Timmy starts playing with my fingers, very much in a Jesse sort of way.

“Thank you so much again for letting me come with you on tour. It was the best experience I could have asked for.” We both pull back and look at each other.

“Shawn, it was really no problem. You make my son, well all my kids actually, so happy. You are a part of this family and don’t hesitate to call if you ever need anything, OK?” I nod and give her another hug. “Goodbye sweetie, we’ll try to see you very soon. Be careful and I love you.” I pull away and smile at her.

“Thanks. I love you too. I hope to get to see you soon.” I start to walk away but Timmy pulls on my hand. I kneel down to his eye level. “What’s up T?”

“I can call you anytime too right?” I smile at him.

“Oh, but of course! I wouldn’t have it any other way T Mac.” He smiles widely at me again, and throws his arms around my neck yet again. I pull back slightly, and kiss his hair softly then whisper against his head, “I’ll miss you so much and you be good for you family, OK?” He nods softly and I kiss his hair again before letting go and walking out to meet Jesse by the elevator.


I’ve been standing by this elevator for close to twenty minutes. I’ve seen all the guys’ families walk by going to their rooms and then back going to the buses with all their belongings. And I’m still here in the same spot. I release a heavy sigh as I fall back to lean against the wall and close my eyes. I can’t believe that she is really leaving. Man, I wish it really didn’t have to be this way.

My thoughts get interrupted by her arms sliding around my waist. I bend my head down to kiss her hair with my eyes still closed. I wrap my arms around her small waist and just breathe her in with my head resting on top of hers. I hear and feel her sigh and from the strained sound of it, I know that she’s trying not to cry. I start to pull back just slightly, finally opening my eyes and meeting her misty ones.

“Hey,” I whisper to her while bringing my hands up to cup her cheeks softly, “everything will be fine. We’ll talk everyday and it will all work out.” I move my thumb softly back and forth over her cheek bone. God, I’m going to miss the feel of her soft skin so much. With my eyes never leaving hers, I lean down and brush my lips over hers so softly. We stay that way for a few minutes, just enjoying the feel of our lips massaging against the others in the sweetest of kisses.

I pull away when I feel the wetness on her cheeks. I look into her eyes when she opens them and send her the best smile I can at this time. I softly wipe away her tears and then lean in and kiss her forehead gently. “We need to have faith that everything will work out the way it’s meant to.” She nods softly as she wraps her arms around me again and rests her head on my chest. I return the hug and we stand together just listening to the others breathing and feeling each others heart beat.

I pull back and turn to push the up button on the elevator. With Shawn still leaning against me, I turn to be closer to it to be able to enter it easier when the doors open. With her arms still around my waist and draping one of mine around her shoulders holding her as close to me as possible, we stand and wait. After a few minutes we hear the ding that signals the elevator is here. She lifts her head softly and looks to the elevator as the doors slide open. We stand there and watch people exit the elevator, Mike being one of them.

“Hey, I was wondering where you were.” He looks between us and smiles. I look down at Shawn’s face, as best as I can anyway. “Well, um, anyway. I got your bags, Lea let me in the room.” He lifts his arms to show us the bags. We move to enter the elevator and Shawn nods to him. “I’ll bring the car around to the front but we really need to hit the road in no later than thirty minutes.” She nods again as the doors start to close. He gives another smile with a small nod before turning back around and walking towards the parking lot.

The ride up to our floor is filled with silence with us in the same position as before. I kiss the top of her head again and wrap my other arm around her shoulders. “I’m going to miss you so much.” I whisper into her hair as I feel my eyes start to water and my throat tighten. Man, this sucks so much!

The elevator dings again and the doors open. As we step out into our hall, she squeezes me tighter before starting to pull away completely. I look at her confused. “Go ahead to your room to get your stuff, I’m going to go say buy to Matt, Frankie, and Chris real quick. I‘ll meet you back in your room to walk down with you and Greg” She starts walking to Frank’s room after I nod to her and head to my room.


As I walk to Frankie’s room to say bye to him and Aaron, I can’t help but thinking that this could be the end. I could seriously never see any one these people, my very close friends, again. Sure we might still talk, but that doesn’t mean I’d get to see them. And it would definitely never be like this again if I do get to see them. This realization makes my heart sink even lower than it already is. I release a sigh as I stop in front of the door. I take a breath and release it slowly to try to calm my emotions before I finally knock. Just seconds after, the door is thrown open.

“Man, I was beginning to think that you had already left.” Frank smiles his signature smile at me, forcing a genuine one from me.

“I’d never leave without saying goodbye to you Frank. Not even possible.” I walk in the room and see that Angel and Matt are in the room as well. I smile to all of them. “Well, I have less than thirty minutes to get everyone in, so…” I let my voice trail off as I look down at my feet and put my hands in my back pockets.

I feel arms wrap around me and look up to see that Frankie has wrapped me to him. I laugh a little and wrap my arms around him as well. “I’m going to miss you girl. Call and text and everything that you can. You have my email and everything too right?” I nod against his chest and then pull back.

“Yea, I do. And the same goes to you. This is not meant to be a one-way friendship.” He chuckles at me and nods as well. I knew that it was a good idea to start with Frank. He can always make me smile and laugh no matter what the situation.

I pull away from Frankie and look at the others in the room. I walk to Angel first. “Hey girl. You help Lea keep these guys in check ok?” She laughs softly and nods her head. “Ok, now come here.” I open my arms and she comes to me and falls into the hug. “I’m going to miss you. It was great getting to meet and know you.”

“You too. But we’ll keep in touch.” I nod as we both pull away. We share a smile before she turns and leaves. I look at Aaron next. And I just have to laugh at him. He’s standing there all shy and unsure of what to do. I shake my head and walk up to him, wrapping my arms tightly around him briefly.

“Hey, it was nice knowin’ ya kid.” He laughs. The desired response, YES! “No, seriously though. I was nice getting to know you and everything. I’m glad that we were able to become friends.” He nods and wraps his arms around me too.

“Me too. We’ll definitely have to keep in touch, ok?” I nod in response. I pull away from him and look him over. ‘I still can’t quite believe I got to meet him, let alone become friends with him.’

I give him a smile. “Well, I hope I get to see you soon. But who knows.”

“We can figure something out. This was a total blast, so we’ll have to. This is just 'see ya' for now.” I laugh and nod.

“Yea, see ya later.” He gives me another brief hug before leaving to get his stuff loaded on his bus. I look at Matt.

“Well, this is it.” I smile at him.

“Yea, for now at least, right?” I ask and he nods. Then he wraps his arms around me and lifts me up off the floor just a little bit. I laugh and smack his shoulder and arm. “Matt, put me down.” And surprisingly he listens and sets me back down on the floor. “Ok, well, I should go.” I look around the room. “Is Chris in your room?”

“Um, yea, I believe so. He said he still had some packing to do.” I nod and walk to the door.

“Ok, well, this is really it.” They walk with me into the hall with their bags. I turn and give them both another quick hug. “Goodbye.” We laugh because we all said it at the same time. I watch them as they walk to the elevator. I wave at them as they turn back to me after pushing the button. When they wave back I turn to walk in the other direction to say goodbye to Chris.

I was finishing up my final fun through of the room to make sure I didn’t forget anything when there was a knock on the door. I looked toward it knowing who it has to be. I finally go over to answer it when the second knock sounds.

“Hey,” I look her over briefly while opening the door wider for her to come in. I look between her, the door, and the hallway debating on if I can actually be alone with her. When I get back to look at her and see her watching me, I quickly swing the door closed. I’ve made it this long without doing anything, what’s another couple minutes?

We both stay quiet, just watching each other, for a little bit. “So, you excited about going home? Getting to see your friends again?” Her expression changes, but to what I can’t really tell.

“Yes and no. I’ve missed them don’t get me wrong but,” she pauses and looks down for a few seconds before looking up, “this place feels more like home to me now.” I nod to show her my understanding.

“Yea, I can understand that.” I look at her again, still trying to fully read her. “Well, are you going to come here at all?” I open my arms to her causing her to smile. Then she walks to me and wraps her arms around my waist, hugging me tightly. I close my arms around her shoulders and bring one hand to the back of her head, rubbing it in gentle, relaxing strokes.

“I’m going to miss you so much Chris. I really did enjoy the time we spent together. I’m sorry that I didn’t make as much time to hang out with you these past few weeks.” She pulls away from me and I see tears in her eyes, I try to smile at her.

“Hey, it’s fine. I understand that you just wanted to spend as much time with Jesse that you could. It’s fine, I don’t blame you or hold anything against you.” I bring my hands up to her face softly and wipe the few escape tears off her cheeks gently. But then our eyes lock and I find it harder to swallow and my heart rate increases. Ok, Chris, you have to pull back and look away. Nothing can happen. Anything that did or does will be the biggest betrayal that you could ever do to a friend. But I just can’t really find the will to do so. “Um, you should probably get going now.”

“Yea, probably.” I continue looking at her eyes when hers flicker away from mine. Did she just look at my lips? I glance down at hers briefly before I meet hers again. Yea, she was looking at my lips. She leans back in to give me another hug. “Well, I guess this is goodbye.” This time she doesn’t pull as far away and looks up at me through her eyelashes.

I take a deep breath in an attempt to slow my heart and calm my breathing. “Yea, goodbye, at least for now.” I look down at her and get lost in her eyes again. Is our faces getting closer? My lips ever so lightly touch hers while our eyes are still locked. Yep, our faces were definitely getting closer. “We really need to not do this.” She nods her head softly before bringing a hand up behind my head and pulling me the rest of the way down to meet her in a kiss.

As soon as our lips meet, my breath hitches in my throat. My eyes slide closed and my arms tighten around her waist. After a few minutes, the shock wears off and it registers in my brain exactly what’s going on. I push her away softly, and I see it all register through her eyes and she starts backing away.

“Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” She meets my eyes again, shock written all over her face.


What on Earth and for the love of God are we doing? Why the hell did you do this? You LOVE Jesse! JESSE! Man he’s going to be so crushed! Well, you could always not tell him. No! No, I have to tell him. It’s the right thing to do. I look back at Chris. “We really shouldn’t have done that. Um, yea. Well, I’m just going to go now. Jesse and Greg are waiting for me anyway. Yea. So, um, goodbye.” I don’t wait for a response. I turn around and leave the room as fast as humanly possible.

I quickly head down the hall to Jesse’s room because I can’t get there fast enough. But once I’m standing in front of the door, I silently wish that it took longer to get there. I take a couple deep breaths and release each one slower than the last. Finally, closing my eyes, I knock on the door. I wait till I hear it open before I open my eyes. I look up and see Greg standing there. I try to smile at him but I just don’t have the energy to make the effort it takes to fake it.

Greg gives me a look of curiosity before letting me in. As soon as he closes the door, he wraps me in a hug and whispers, “Are you okay?” I don’t say anything but hug him tighter and bury my head into his chest, trying my hardest to will the tears away. “Hey, Shawn, are you okay?” Greg tries to pull me away from him but he only succeeds in separating us by a couple inches.

“I just did something terrible. So very terrible. And now I’m not completely sure what to do Greg. I really wish we had the time to talk about it but I need to go now. I might already be late actually. Oh, God! Where’s Jesse?” I jump away from him and look at him with wide, scared eyes.

“Bathroom. What’s going on?” I watch him look me over and then meet my eyes giving me his brotherly worried look.

“Um, well, I just got done saying bye to Chris and well,” I can’t finish because I hear a door open and my eyes widen even further.

“Ok, well, come here.” Greg wraps me into another hug and whispers a goodbye into my ear. “Goodbye. I’ll be texting you on the drive, ok? I’m going to go talk to Chris.” And again I jump away from him shaking my head at him. “But you need to talk to Jesse about whatever it is. I’ll see you later. I love ya girl! I’ll miss you” He wraps me into another hug.

“I love you too Greg. Hopefully we’ll see each other soon. Bye.” We break apart and he grabs his bags and leaves the room. I stand there watching him leave and close the door until I feel Jesse slide his arms around me and kiss my neck and I visibly tense.

“Hey, are you ok?” He walks around to face me. I look into his eyes and can’t help the tears the escape and the sobs that threaten to escape my body. He quickly pulls me to him and rubs my back soothingly.

After a few minutes my sobs finally started to subside. I didn’t say anything, mostly because I wasn’t too sure what to say. Man, I really wish I could just talk to Greg first. Kind of like practice as to how to tell Jesse. I slowly pulled back a little to look at Jess’ face. I met his eyes and all I could see was love and worry consuming every inch of them. How on Earth could I ever do anything that would hurt him? Man, I’m the lowest person in the entire universe. I looked down from him as I let the guilt consume every fiber of my being.

“Hey,” he gently moves my face up to meet his with his index finger and waits till my eyes catch up, “what’s wrong baby girl?” I smile at him calling me that again. He hasn’t called me that in some time. I look into his eyes and take a deep breath and release it slowly. Trying to build up the courage to tell him what will surely break his heart. I look over all his features, memorizing them for what I’m sure is to be the last time. When I land on his lips, I can’t help but to lean up and give him one last soft kiss. I pull away after just a few seconds and meet his eyes again. All of a sudden needing to be further away from him, I pull away till I’m about an arms length away, with just my hands in his and him giving me a curious expression. I take another deep breath before I start.

“Um, well, I… did something… that I really shouldn’t have. I,” I swallow real quick, clearing my throat, “I don’t even know why or what I was thinking, I think that's just it actually, that neither of us were thinking.” I pause and continue to pace, which I started shortly after I started talking.

“Us? Who’s us?” I stop abruptly and look at him with wide eyes. Man, I almost forgot that he was here too. I start to answer him, just to swallow everything and let it all fall where it may, when we get interrupted by a knock on the door. I turn to it as Jesse goes to open it.

“Hey guys. Mike is waiting. He said that you have to be on the road in five minutes.” Greg looks between us slowly, stopping on me as Jess goes to get his bags. I look into his eyes and I know that he’s wondering if I told him yet. I just shake my head and walk out the door to wait in the hallway. How could I have messed everything up so quickly?

Jesse walks out and wraps his arm around my shoulders and walks me down to the elevators and pushes the button. “So, can you still tell me or do we have to be alone?” I glance at Greg and he shrugs his shoulders, signaling that it’s up to me. I look back at Jesse just as the elevator arrives and the doors open. We step in and I take my umpteenth deep breath for the day already. Might as well and get it over with. It’s definitely something that would be better explained in person. That’s for sure.

“Um, well, to answer your earlier question, us is me and Chris.” I stare at my hands, wringing them together and continue before he can fully process where this is going and say anything. “Um, when I went to tell him bye, um, we kissed. And I seriously have no idea why or what either of us were thinking. It wasn’t that long ending only after a few seconds.” I feel the tears flooding my eyes again and close my eyes tightly to will them away but only succeeded in making them fall faster.

“You and Chris kissed?” His voice is eerily calm and soft, forcing me to look up at him. He hasn’t moved from his position and still has his arm draped protectively over my shoulders. I watch him with concern as he looks at me but he doesn’t look like he's really looking at me. I nod slowly, not being able to find my voice. “Um, ok, then. Did he start it?” I look at him not sure where this is going and try to remember exactly what happened. I shake my head, bringing my eyes down again as more tears threaten to fall. “Ok then, did you like it?” Did I like it? What kind of question is that exactly? I never even thought about that. So, that would mean that I didn’t then, right? Of course it would. Right? I shake my head again. “Ok, then, I’m sure that we will be able to move past this. I mean, if you still want to be with me and still love me.” I snap my head up to look him in the eye. Wait, what? Seriously? He wants to just move on? How the hell did I get so lucky? “Do, you still love me? And want to be with me?”

I nod my head. “Yes, of course I still love you! I’d never want you to question that. And I’m so sorry for making you doubt it and just, well, everything. I really have no idea what,” and he interrupts me by crashing his lips to mine. I sigh against his mouth causing him to meet his tongue to mine and gently massage them together. I feel the elevator stop and regretfully pull away. I look him over again and he looks like he’s fine and as if nothing ever happened and I didn’t just tell him the worst thing that I probably ever could. Ok, maybe not EVER could, but pretty close!

We leave the elevator and Greg offers to load Jesse’s bags on the bus for him. First giving me another hug and goodbye before leaving with Jess’ stuff. I turn to Jesse and try to smile at him, which he tries to return.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my head into his chest. He rubs my back softly.

“I know, I’m going to miss you too. Just remember I love you and you can call me no matter what.” I look up at him and nod softly. He brings his hands up, cupping both sides of my face softly and leans in giving me a sweet kiss. We continue the kiss until my dad says the words we’ve both been dreading.

“Ok, time to go.” We pull apart and I see that Jesse’s blushing slightly. I smile at him and lean up giving him another soft kiss.

“Well, this is it.” He nods at me softly and pulls me in for a hug. “I will get to see you again, right?” I whisper against him.

“Oh, course, as soon as we possibly can.” He whispers into my hair. “I love you baby girl.” I close my eyes and breathe him in one final time.

“I love you too Jester.” I whisper before pulling away from him. I turn an get into the passenger seat. I buckle my seat belt and turn around as my dad starts the car and pulls out of the hotel drive. I watch Jesse until I can’t see him anymore but once he was out of my sight, I wasn’t prepared in the least for the pain that I’d feel in my heart, well my whole body actually.

Today is D Day. Well so to speak. My last day. That’s what today is. My last day on tour. My last day with all my new, very close friends. My last day with my best friend and ‘brother’, Greg. My last day with the one that I love. Jesse. That’s the one that’s going to be the hardest. I have no idea if or when I’ll get to see him again. I’ve been trying, and failing successfully by the way, to keep all my emotions inside to try to make this easier on him and everyone else. I overheard that they're having a little farewell party before the show, but after the meet and greet, for me. I’m tempted to run and hide, and later tell everyone I fell asleep. I’m not good at goodbyes. Especially ones that might be infinite.

Right now I’m sitting here, with Angel, Lea, and Aaron, at the guys’ sound check. My last sound check. Sorry, just keeping with the theme here. Anyway. For the first time ever, we’re all very quiet. None of us have said one word since walking in here. We only acknowledged each other with nods or waves before sitting down. The guys’ aren’t even joking around and goofin’ off like usual. They’re going through the songs just as a means to get done with it. I keep trying not to watch Jesse, but it’s hard not to at the same time. All day, my heart has been breaking just by looking at him. I know that it’s all because I have to leave him.

And what’s worse is, I really should have better prepared for this. I mean, I’ve known for weeks that I was going to leave. Even before I knew about Dream Street, I knew that I’d have to leave him eventually. So, I should have better prepared for it all and not kept acting as if I could stay here for forever as if this is my life too. Cause it isn’t Shawn, not even close. All I did was make this so much harder for me. Well, for all of us really. I release a heavy sigh again, upon meeting Jess’ eyes yet again, this time during “Jennifer Goodbye”. I quickly turn away and watch Greg. But that’s not the relief I was looking for as he is also looking at me with a very sad expression. So, I result into just looking at my hands in my lap. Why are goodbyes always so hard?


So, Shawn leaves today. Well, tomorrow morning actually. Everyone has been all down in the dumps about it too. That’s not to say that I won’t miss her, I will. But I’m sure we’ll all see her again. It’s all very depressing. But it all shows just how many people she has touched in these last few weeks. The crew and everyone, is all just working, completing their tasks, in very somber moods. So, as a way to try to break it all off, I’ve taken the role of jokester/prankster today. Since we all know that Jesse’s in no way up to it. But it has had very little effect. I guess I really didn’t expect too much. But I tried. I look out at Shawn sitting in silence with Aaron, Angel, and Lea. I’m really going to miss her.


Today is a day that I’m sure we were all hoping would never come. We wanted these last few weeks to last forever. I know that I did. And now in what seems like a flash, they’re gone and Shawn soon will be too. Some of us, not naming any names-Jesse, are even counting down the minutes. Shawn’s dad is driving up after work, so he’s supposed to get here shortly after our set is done. And from what Shawn told us earlier of her talk with him last night, he wants her to stay at his hotel with him. Which is completely understandable and should have been expected from all of us. But of course, it got an unpleasant reaction out of some of us, again not naming any names-Jesse. But they’re in love. What can any of us expect from them?

It’s rather sad, funny, and ironic that the youngest of us is the one that falls in love first. But I’m in a way so glad he did. It’s changed him. But I am worried for what these next few weeks hold for him and us. I’m scared of how he’ll react with her actually gone. Seeing as he’s been with her nonstop for over a month. They won’t in any way admit it, but they have become somewhat dependent on each other. I look at Jess and then turn and glance at Shawn staring at her hands. I hope everything works out for the best.


One more day. That’s what I woke up thinking. Just one more day that I have to get through without spending any actual alone time with Shawn and everything can go back to normal. I can move on and forget her. Go back to what I like and am used to. But I wasn’t prepared for the emotion that everyone on this tour would have today. Everyone is so sad and solemn. But what did you expect? She did get along with everyone and made friends with them all too. She is the nicest person I’ve ever met. I’m glad that she’s with Jess. Cause if we, me and her, ever got together, all I’d do is hurt her. And she’s too sweet and nice for that. She and Jesse belong together. I know that. But it doesn’t mean that this goodbye is going to be any easier tomorrow.


After meeting Shawn’s eyes, briefly I might add, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by all the emotions coursing through me, and I’m pretty sure everyone today. I just stand here, like we all have been doing all sound check, and finish up the absolute worst song of the whole set. At least for today. Man, I still have to do it tonight too. Ugh! I wonder if they’d let me pull it for tonight. Very doubtful. I look around the room and my eyes land on my other best friend. And my heart quenches at the sight of him. We shared a room last night, and talked our way into sharing a room tonight too, to make our last chat more memorable and easier. Looks like that was a waste. But still after prolonging the chat as long as possible, Shawn had to go back to her room and we had to get to sleep ourselves. But neither of us did. We kept tossing and turning but never saying anything to the other. And I’m sure that I look just as bad as Jesse. OK, maybe not just as bad. But pretty close. My eyes go back to Shawn and I notice, not for the first time today, that she apparently didn’t get much sleep either. I sigh after I break off the last note of the song. These next few weeks are going to be pure hell.


Absolute. Worst. Day. Of. My. Life. That’s what today has been. Just knowing that Shawn is leaving first thing tomorrow morning, has made it such. But I know that tomorrow will easily top it. No one has really said much all day. Shawn’s really kept to herself mostly too. Which normally would have me worried, but ever since she said she was going to have to switch hotels, I’ve understood more than I would have wanted to. I’ve just been there for her. That’s all I can really do right now.

If I was to be completely honest with myself, I’d admit that I’m so scared sh**less about what tomorrow will bring. But that’s just to myself. To everyone else, I’m just sad that my girlfriend is leaving and that I’ll now be lonely and have limited time with her or talking to her. And I’m fine with them thinking that. The only one that can come close to feeling the same thing I am right now is Greg. I’m pretty sure about that anyway. I look over at him as we start the next song.

All we’ve done all sound check is stand here and sing the songs. This has to be the worst ‘show’ ever. I continue watching Greg and see that he really didn’t get any sleep last night either and that he’s beat up about Shawn leaving too. I glance at all my other friends and see the same expressions. No wonder Shawn’s been withdrawn all day. I would be too. She must feel like this is her fault for making us all so sad.

I look over at her with Lea and the others, Timmy has joined them now. I smile as Timmy sits on her lap. She’s so good with him. They're talking and playing with one of his cars. Watching them has brought the first smile to my face all day. I’m glad that Timmy is too young to completely understand what today means. I stand here and just watch them for the rest of sound check.

The last couple hours went by in a blur. But I’m sure all our fans at the meet and greet could tell something is going on. I don’t think any of us ever once gave a genuine smile. I know that we never really talked with them like we usually do. I wonder exactly what will come of that. Anyway, here we are, at the farewell party. Though I really wouldn't call it a party. It’s more like a dinner. Which doesn’t really make this any different than any other night, except that Shawn leaves in a little over twelve hours.

The chatter has been kept to a bare minimum and to just whispers. I’ve never known such a large group of people to be so quiet. And this is quite the large group of people. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is here, all the crew and managers and our families. I look at Shawn on my left with Greg on the other side of her and Timmy on her lap. I smile again as she lets him feed her a bite of fruit.

I squeeze her hand softly under the table and she turns to me. I send her a small smile, which she returns. She turns back to Timmy and whispers something to him. He laughs and grabs another piece of the fruit. What is that, honeydew? The next thing I know, he has it in front of my mouth, I laugh too as I open for him to place the melon in my mouth. I look back to Shawn and see the biggest smile of the whole day on her face. I chuckle at her, glad just to see her smiling. I squeeze her hand again and turn back to my plate, as she turns back to Timmy feeding her. I’m really going to miss this.


“Hello?” I answer my phone while plugging my other ear with my free hand to try to hear better. I furrow my brow when I don’t receive a response. I look at the screen of my phone to see if it’s still connected and who it’s supposed to be. “Hello?” I ask again upon returning my phone to my ear.

“Hello? Shawn?” I sigh.

“Yea, Daddy. Where are you?” I look around for a security guard and make my way over to the closest one.

“I’m at the gate. The guy said I’m not on the list and won’t let me through. I thought you said this would all be set up?”

“It is Dad. Who are you talking to?” I finally reach the guard, thankful that it’s one I know pretty well, Bob. He turns to me, with a questioning look. I hold my finger up signaling just a minute.

“Excuse me, what’s your name?” I hear my dad ask the guard. “He said that it’s John.” I roll my eyes when I hear that. Of course it’d be the one that is seemingly incompetent. He just loves to act that way and cause trouble.

“OK, hold on for a sec Dad.” I look at Bob. “Hey, Bob, can you get Bill on the walkie?” He nods and takes his walkie talkie off his belt.

“Bill, you there man?”

“Yea, man, what’s up?”

“Shawn needs to talk to you.”

“OK.” And Bob hands me his walkie.

“Bill, how fast can you get to the gate to the back lot?” I ask, not wasting any time with the problem at hand.

“Less than five minutes, why?” I can hear the confusion in his voice.

“Cause my dad is here and John said that he’s not on the list. I have him on the phone now.”

“WHAT! I wrote out the list myself! He’s on that d**n list!” I laugh at him.

“I know that, but you need to tell John that.” I laugh again.

“OK, I’ll tell him more than that.” I laugh some more. “Tell him, I’m on my way, less than five minutes.”

“OK, and thanks Bill. You rock!” I hand the walkie back to Bob and mumble a “Thanks” and put the phone back to my ear and start walking over to my seat. “Dad?”

“Yeah?” I can tell that he’s a little irritated and probably exhausted.

“Bill, the head of security, is on his way. He’ll be there in less than five minutes and show you where to go. OK?”

“Yea, OK. I think I see him. Well, someone in a golf cart.”

“Yea, that’s him. I’ll see you in a bit.” I close my phone and finally bring my attention back to the stage. I meet Jesse’s eyes and can see worry in them. I send him a smile, letting him know that everything’s OK and continue to watch the rest of “It Happens Everytime” for the last time.

As soon as they finish the song, I hurry off back stage to meet them as they get off the stage, just like I have every other night. I smile and hug them each as they rush past me, Jesse being last as usual. I lean up and give him a small kiss before we head back to the dressing room and to meet my dad. As we get closer to the room, I can see my dad and Bill. I start to smile wide as we get closer to them. Man, he looks so different. I really didn’t notice just how much I missed him till now. My smile only gets bigger once he sees me too. Once we are only about five feet from each other, I run up to him and give him a huge hug for what seems like forever. Only breaking apart once I see all the guys standing around us. I look up at him before starting the introductions.

“Dad, these are the guys. Greg Raposo, Matt Ballinger, Frankie Galasso, Chris Trousdale, and Aaron Carter. And Daddy,” I reach over and grab Jesse’s arm pulling him closer to us. “This is Jesse McCartney, my boyfriend.” I smile at Jesse as he shakes my dad’s hand and nods to him. “And guys, this is my dad, Mike.” He turns and shakes all their hands too.

“It’s nice to finally meet you sir. Shawn has said a lot about you.” Jesse looks to me as he wraps his arm around my waist. I smile at them both. My dad just looks around at all of the guys before bringing his eyes to me once again.

“It’s nice to meet all of you too. Um, are there no girls on this tour too?” I laugh as all the guys go into the dressing room and Aaron starts towards the stage.

“Good luck Aaron.” I say before turning back to my dad. I glance at Jess for a second and then answer his question. “Yea, Dad, there are other girls on tour too. I’ve been rooming with Jesse’s sister, Lea. And Greg’s sisters came too. Actually Ginger wants to meet you.” I turn to Jesse, “Do you know where she’s at?”

“Um, I think she said that she’d be on the bus.”

“OK, well, I’m going to go ahead and take him out there. See you soon?” He nods and starts to drop his arm from around me. I lean up and kiss his cheek sweetly before he walks into the room to get a shower before having to leave for the hotel. I turn back to my dad and we head off to the bus in the back lot.

Once at the bus, I knock on the door briefly before opening it and heading on up to the front room. I smile upon seeing Timmy playing at the table next to Ginger and Lea sitting on the sofa watching MTV. At hearing us enter, Timmy looks up and his whole face brightens.

“SHAWN!” I smile at him.

“Hey, TMac! How’s my little man doin’?” He quickly gets off the bench and rushes over to me. I laugh at his excitement and energy so close to his bed time. But I pick him up all the same as he jumps once he’s close enough. After giving me a hug, he leans back in my arms as I continue walking over to the table to sit with Ginger.

“Nottin’, just playin’ before bed. I was staying up to get to tell you night.” He looks at me with an accomplished look spread across his face.

“Really? Well, thanks T. That’s very nice of you.” I reach the bench and sit down as Timmy drapes a leg on each side of me, so he wouldn’t have to move. “Hey Ginger. Long night?”

“Hey sweetie. Yea, it’s been a long day actually. I think Timmy’s getting a cold or bug or something.” I look down at the boy in my arms as he plays with my necklace that Jess gave me last week. I feel his head briefly.

“Yea, he does feel a little warm.” I look back down to him. “Now, you can’t go gettin’ all sick on me T.” He looks up at me and nods quickly.

“I’m not, I promise.” I smile at him as I ruffle his air. I look back over to my dad. And he’s smiling at me with a knowing smile, the one that only parents get and when you ask “What?” they always say “Nothing.”

“Um, Ginger, this is my dad, Mike. Dad, this is Jesse’s mom, Ginger, his sister, Lea, and his brother, Timmy." Lea looks at us briefly with a wave and a mumbled “Hello.” Timmy looks up at him and then back to me with a smile and lays his head back down on my shoulder as I rub his back, soothingly. I look at Ginger as she starts putting away all her papers that are spread across the table and scoots over for my dad to sit down.

“It’s very nice to meet you. Shawn has talked about you a lot.” I smile at them as they continue to talk. And look back down at the now sleeping boy in my lap. And that’s how the guys found all of us about ten minutes later.


“No, I insist. It’s no trouble at all. Just let me call Jane to confirm the arrangement. I’ll just be five minutes.” I got to the front room just as my mom was entering the back. I look to Shawn and her dad at the table. Shawn holding a sleeping Timmy, as has happened a lot. I smile at the scene, like I always do. She’ll be such a great mom someday. WHOA! Wait a minute here. Where the hell did that come from? She turns and sees me and the guys standing there and gently slides over to let me sit down.

“Where’d Mom go?” I look between her and Lea before settling back on her.

“Oh, she’s calling Jane to have Aaron stay in the room with Frank so that Dad can stay in Aaron’s room and I’ll still be in with Lea tonight.” I look at her surprised as a smile spreads across my face. I lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek before turning to look at Greg. Upon my eyes landing on him, I see the same expression I’m sure that I have, pure happiness. One more nightly chat. It all doesn’t have to end tonight.

“OK, but you need to go to bed early, we’re leaving the same time they are.” We all look to Mike. I see Shawn nod out of the corner of my eye. But I know that at least three of us aren’t getting too much sleep tonight. At that moment, Mom comes back in and sits next to Mike.

“OK, it’s all set.” She looks around the room, seemingly surprised that we’re all here. “Well, are you OK with this Frankie?” He nods at her as he continues eating his chips. “OK, then. Are we ready to head to the hotel? Or did you all want to wait on Aaron?” We all exchange looks before settling on going back now.

Once at the hotel, Shawn carries Timmy up to Mom’s room as I get her bags and take them back to her’s and Lea’s room. As I’m heading out to go to my own room, we stop each other in the hall.

“Meet in your room in thirty minutes?” She asks biting the side of her bottom lip, all shy like. I can’t help but smile at her. She’s too darn cute and adorable. I nod at her as I wrap her in my arms, craving the kiss that I usually receive before my shower and she runs off to the bus. I lean down, melding my lips with hers. I feel her smile against mine. And once I graze my tongue over her bottom lip, receiving a small moan as she opens her mouth to me, I smile too. We pull apart a few minutes later, both smiling at each other. With one more brief, soft kiss, we part without another word.

So, I’ve really been trying hard to be the ‘friend’. And so far, it’s a lot harder than I could have ever imagined. The more I get to know Shawn, the more perfect she seems and the more I just want to be with her. I can completely understand why Jesse never introduced her to us till he absolutely had to. I want her to myself as much as possible too. Which is very bad. I’m trying to be a good friend to both her and my bandmate. But it’s so hard. But since the incident a few days ago, I’ve been trying to keep my distance from Shawn. And that’s been even harder.

I don’t think that she has noticed too much however, because she’s been spending all her time with Jesse. I’ve even noticed that they haven’t been spending hardly any time with us as a group anymore. But I understand that, she does leave next week, right before the fourth. Not like I could ever forget, but she also keeps going on about how she wishes we could all go back with her because her family always goes all out for the fourth, a whole big shindig apparently. But we have a show that night in Kansas City, so we can’t. Though she has made it seem like so much fun, that we all have been trying to get to go. Of course Brian and Louie don’t see the point in rescheduling a show just for us to spend more time with a friend, even though it is a national holiday.

I guess they have planned a huge fireworks display with Aaron’s management for that night. They’re keeping very tight lipped about it. But from what Aaron has said, he doesn’t know much either, but he does know more than us, it’s going to be huge and is costing everyone a lot of money. I just hope that it’s worth it. I mean, they could still have the whole show and everything; we would just be missing the show. Aaron has another opening act, so there just wouldn’t be two that night. But Louie and Brian don’t agree.

So, we’re going to continue on with the tour and Shawn is going to leave, never to be seen again. Well, at least not for however long till we can get to go visit her or vice versa. But now I’ve completely strayed away from the point.

My whole mind has been completely consumed by her. I have no idea how it happened, but it has. I’ve never had this problem with girls before. I’ve always been after the one that was great for that moment in time. And as soon as someone better or prettier came along, she was gone and the new one instated. And now, I just find myself comparing everyone to Shawn. It’s crazy. I really don’t know what to do or anything. And during the shows, it’s nearly impossible to flirt with all the girls in the audience because Shawn is right there watching and because the differences between them and Shawn are always running through my head.

And last night, after successfully avoiding any alone time with Shawn for over 24 hours, it was so much worse. I was having a hard time just concentrating on the words to the songs, let alone the dance steps. And throw in having to entertain and flirt with the audience, I was a complete train wreck. So, I can only imagine how it will be tonight since it’s going on to be more than 48 hours since I was last alone with her. She so shouldn’t be able to mess me up like this! I’m just thankful that it’s my turn to have the single. A room to myself for a night might be just what I need to help sort out all these thoughts. I hope so at least.


These last few days were perfect. Jesse and I have been together nonstop, almost as inseparable as before we even left New York. And everything is going great with the guys too. Though I haven’t really seen too much of them, other than on the bus rides. But they all seem to understand, at least they haven’t acted like it bothered them or anything, that Jess and I have been separating ourselves more often.

I can’t believe that I have only 5 more full days here with them. The concert in St. Louis is the night of the second. And I’ve talked my dad into letting me stay for it and leaving the morning of the third to go home. So, that’s a little added time with them. I just really wish there was a way for them to come back with me to spend the fourth with me and my family.

Also, Mom and Brian have already gotten burnt out on New York and have finally seen that a two month vacation in the same city is really too long, and are coming home on the third too. Thing is that means that Hilary and Brenden are going to be there too. So, I’ll probably still stay at Dad’s as much as possible. The thing that sucks about that is that I don’t get cell service down at his house. So, we’ll see what happens and what I decide to do. I might just stay down there for a week and then go back to Mom’s for a week and so on till summer is over.

But all my friends are doing well. They love talking to Jesse and the rest of the guys. They all seem to get along well too. Maybe some future romances in the making? We shall see. They’re all very excited to see all my pictures. And I have taken plenty. Especially with the tour and going city to city. I have a lot of all the guys just goofin’ off on the bus and around each stop as we went sightseeing and everything. Not to mention the tons of pictures from each live show. It’s definitely going to take me some time scrap booking this whole trip.

Lea and I have gotten pretty close too. She’s like the little sister I always wanted. Definitely a better sister than Hilary. Jesse’s whole family is great actually. They have been so sweet to me and accepted me as a part of their own family. I couldn’t ask for anything better in my life right now. Everything is so seemingly perfect.

I’ve still been having my chats with Greg, but Jesse usually comes now too. It’s great. We are getting so close, the three of us. I just hope that we’re able to keep it the same once I leave. Jesse and I have been talking more and being more open to each other, as promised. More so than I’ve ever been with anyone before, and I think it’s the same for him, even though he’s never officially told me so. And actually, speaking of Jesse, I’m late meeting him for lunch. I quickly grab my purse and key card and walk down to his room. Right as I’m about to knock, the door swings open.

“Oh, hey, I was just leaving to get you.” I smile up at him; he has grown a little since I met him. Just a few inches but it makes all the difference to me since I’ve been 5’4” since seventh grade.

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” He leans down, giving me a soft kiss.

“No worries baby girl. Ready?” I nod as we turn towards the elevator and he laces his fingers with mine. I love how our hands fit together, almost as if they’re two puzzle pieces made just to fit each other, no one else. I gently lean into him, as I’ve always found myself doing lately, since the whole Chris thing actually. As we step into the elevator, I start rubbing my thumb over the back of his hand and my free hand over his forearm. He looks down at me and kisses the top of my head. And at this moment, nothing else in the world even exists, it’s just me and him and all of eternity.


Life is perfect. At least in this point in time. I sigh as I continue running my fingers through Shawn’s hair as the movie ends. She fell asleep about fifteen minutes into the movie, which I kind of expected her too. She’s been running herself ragged these last few days with keeping up with our busy schedule and insisting on going everywhere with us and then staying up talking with me and Greg, she’s beat. I’m just glad that she’s sleeping right now. We're on our way to the next venue and it’s one of the very rare days where we didn’t have to get up insanely early because of a bunch of interviews before tonight’s show. So, we got to sleep in till about eight and then have enough time to go back to sleep for a few hours during the drive to the next venue. But as soon as the show is over tonight, we leave for the next city. So, Shawn will be on the other bus with my family and Frank’s mom for the first time in forever, this is only like the fourth time this whole trip that we've had an overnight drive, this time to Indianapolis.

I personally find it stupid with the way they scheduled some of these dates. They could have saved so much money on gas if they would have scheduled them better, that’s all I’m saying. But more power to them, as long as it’s not coming out of our money, I’m cool with it. But for some reason I have the feeling that it is, I, at least, wouldn’t put it past them to try it anyway.

“Hey man, wanna play?” I look up at Matt and to the controller in his hand. I shake my head.

“Um, no, I want to let her sleep.” I motion to Shawn as she rests in my lap and I continue playing with her hair.

“Oh, OK, man, we’ll try to keep it down.” I nod at him in thanks as they start the game. I look around at my friends. And for the first time ever, I don’t feel like this is what I really want to be doing. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do and the people I do it with. But I just feel like it’s going to be pointless if Shawn can’t be with me too. I look down at her again and smile to myself. Thank you Lord for bringing her into my life.


“Hey, babe. Time to get up.” I stay put trying to get as much sleep as possible. “Baby girl, it’s time to get off the bus. I have to go to sound check.” I roll over, so that I’m facing Jess and snuggle into his stomach. I feel and hear him chuckling at me.

“Man, come on, we’re going to be late.” I don’t even have to turn over and look at who spoke to know that it’s Greg.

“Go, ahead man, I’ll catch up in a minute.” I hear the door to the back room of the bus close and just snuggle even closer to Jesse.

“OK, sleeping beauty, you really need to get up now. That or I can let you sleep here on the couch but I still need to go. So either way, you’ll have to release the death grip you have on me.” He laughs again as I shake my head against him.

“Uh, huh. You no leave.” I crack a small smile as he laughs again.

“Babe, I wish it was that simple, but I have to go to sound check. You know that. Now are you going to come with me?” I slowly move my head so that I can peek up at him, noticing that he’s already looking down watching me. “We’ll have a few hours after sound check for you to sleep some more.” I continue watching him watch me until he continues further. “And the sooner we get to sound check the sooner you can get more sleep baby girl.” I roll my eyes and sit up, slumping my shoulders in defeat. He shakes his head and chuckles at me again. He leans over to me and lifts my chin with his forefinger before giving me a soft kiss. “I love you.” I smile at him. And just like that, my act crumples.

“I love you too.” I mumble as I allow him to help me up to my feet and lead me off the bus. As we enter the arena, everyone is buzzing around trying to get their jobs done for the show in a few hours. This is all something that I’ve gotten very used to. Man, I just wish that I could stay. I release a heavy sigh and Jesse squeezes my hand in response. I look up at him and he has a very solemn look on his face. And with that one look, I know that I don’t have to explain anything to him, that he knows the meaning of my sigh and that he understands it more than anyone else could. I give him a meek smile as we reach the stage, meeting up with everyone else. Jesse squeezes my hand again and gives me a kiss on the cheek before I walk off to take my seat next to Aaron, Angel, and Lea in the front row.

Again, another routine, it started with me dragging Lea to sound check so I wouldn’t be sitting alone, then she started bringing Angel, and one day, Aaron didn’t have anything else to do, so he joined us, and now he does every day. It’s our time to talk and catch up a little bit since I only talk to Lea after the shows in our room when we’re both getting ready for bed and this is the only time that I talk to Aaron and Angel. So, it’s a nice change of pace from everything else throughout the day.


We just left the arena about thirty minutes ago. Everyone has already changed and is ready for bed but still up talking. Therefore, I’m in my bunk texting both Jesse and Greg as an alternative to our nightly chats.

‘So you excited to get back home?’ Greg texts me. I shrug even though he can’t see me.

‘Not really. Once at home, I won’t have anything to do. Being with you guys is so much more fun.’ I reply back.

‘Even with how much I annoy you.’ I laugh out loud to that. And briefly Ginger and Lisa are quiet.

‘Well, you do annoy me. =) But it’s no different than Austin annoying me. =) lol.' I smile to myself just as Lea pulls my curtain back. I look up at her. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing, do you want to play cards? I can’t sleep.”

“Sure.” I get out of my bunk and we go to the back room. With a little effort, we get the table set up and sit down as she starts shuffling and my phone goes off again. I grab it and set it to vibrate before looking at the received text, this one from Jesse.

‘Hey babe, what you up to?’ I smile as I send him the quick reply and then look at the cards that Lea dealt out.

“Who you talking to?” I glance at her briefly and she’s organizing her cards.

“Jess and Greg.” I answer as I look back at my cards. “Do you have any 3’s?” I ask looking at her.

“Go fish. Oh yea, what are they doing?” I draw a card. “Do you have any queens?” I shake my head softly before handing her one card then answering her.

“Watching a movie.” And the game continued on like that. Lea and myself making small chit chat and girl talk, while I text both Greg and Jesse. After about two hours of playing various card games, we both agreed that we should go to sleep and went to our bunks with a soft “Goodnight” mumbled between us.

As I get situated and comfortable in my bunk, my phone goes off again. I finish getting situated and pull the covers over me as I read the text.

‘Goodnight baby girl. Sweet dreams. I love you.’ I smile and reply.

‘Goodnight Jess. Sweet dreams to you too, mine will be of you. I love you!’ I roll over closing my eyes and am asleep almost instantaneously.

“Hey guys. Have you seen Shawn anywhere?” I ask the guys after letting myself into Frank’s and Matt’s room. I’ve been looking for her for about thirty minutes. It’s been like this a lot recently. I’m not too sure where she keeps running off to. But usually as soon as I’m done looking for her, she turns up and is always really happy. So, I haven’t had the nerve to ask her where she was. Just in case it makes her mad. But other than that, our relationship is great. We still talk all the time and spend as much time as possible together. Which sadly, I know could be more if she wasn’t disappearing all the time. I know that I’m going to have to ask her soon what’s going on and where she’s always going. But I really don’t want to fight with her when we have such limited time together. But I also want to spend as much time together as we possibly can because we do have such limited time. You see my dilemma?

They all exchange looks before Frank speaks up. “Um, no we haven’t.” I look at each of them, trying to see if they are lying or hiding something. But they all seem to really not know anything. I release a heavy sigh.

“OK, then, well I’m going to keep looking.” I start to turn to leave. But stop once Matt talks.

“Did you check in her’s and Lea’s room?” I look at him a little in disbelief.

“Now, why didn’t I think of that?” I roll my eyes. “Yea, Lea is in there with Greg’s sisters. And they haven’t seen her since she left for breakfast at like nine this morning.” I start to turn again. This time stopped by Greg saying something, and it really stuns me and makes me furious, especially if it’s true.

“What about your room?” I give him a glare.

“Why would she be in my room? How would she have even gotten in there?” I continue with the glare, but it doesn’t faze him.

“Well, I know that I haven’t seen Chris all day.” The other guys nod in agreement. “So, maybe they're hanging out or something. It’s just a suggestion, man. It’s always going to be the one place that you never think or expect to look.” He shrugs his shoulders as if it’s nothing. But if she is with Chris, I can only imagine what he’s trying to do. Though he has been better about everything with me around, I just don’t want to think about if he was with her alone. But what Greg said really makes sense, and I never would think to look in my own room. Without saying another word, I turn and leave. Walking down the hall to mine and Chris’ room, I pause briefly before inserting my key card and opening the door.

And for once I really wish that Greg was wrong. But there they are. Her lying on my bed looking at something and him on his laughing at something that he’s telling her. They haven’t even notice me being here yet. I stand here and watch them for a minute before just turning and leaving. I go back to the room where the guys are. I can’t help but have this feeling that Greg knows something that he hasn’t told me but definitely should have. And so help me, I’m going to get him to tell me.


I woke up this morning fully expecting to spend the guys’ whole day off just me and Jesse. But when I went to get him for breakfast, Chris answered the door and said that Jess wasn’t up yet. So, being nice, and still wanting to fully figure him out, I asked if he wanted to join me. And now here we are three hours later, hanging out in his and Jesse’s room laughing and talking as if we’ve known each other forever.

Over these last few days or so, I have found myself to be alone with Chris more often. But this time is the first that we’re like this and completely comfortable with each other. And I like it. Maybe a little too much. But He could never replace Jesse. And I wouldn’t and don’t want him to. I love Jesse. With my whole heart. I just really want to get along with all his friends. And that includes Chris. And we haven’t been, until about five days ago when we were the only ones up at breakfast and I didn’t see the point in us sitting alone, so I sat with him. It was beyond awkward but we talked and it has steadily grown to this apparently.

I just find one thing still weird. Chris still acts a little weird around me when the rest of the guys are there too. He at least talks to me a little bit now, but he just always seems so uncomfortable. I want to ask him why, but I’m a little afraid of the answer.

But other than Jesse, the guy I talk the most with is Greg. I’ve found that I haven’t been able to sleep much since this whole Chris thing, so one night when Greg was sharing a room with Jesse; I went to their room hoping to talk to Jess, but he was already out. But Greg offered his ear and now it’s just another task added to the routine. I go and talk to Greg after everyone has gone to sleep and he lets me vent and offers up advice when he feels the need. And he always knows the right time to give it too. He’s quickly becoming like a brother to me, but also a very good friend. Because I know that I’d never be able to go to Austin just to vent and talk and maybe get advice. Let alone friendship and relationship advice.

But all the guys are cool. We get along great. And hopefully after today, Chris won’t be so weird around all of us. I look over at him as he’s still laughing at a story that he was telling me, but was a little hard for me to follow since he was laughing the whole time. And I notice the door closing out of the corner of my eye. Oh, no. This can’t be good. Because that has to be Jesse that had come in here. And I know that I should have, but I never told him that Chris and I have been talking and hanging out. Oh, no. This is so not going to be good. Without thinking anymore, I jump up and go to the door.

“Yo, what’s up?” Chris asks. Well, I guess he didn’t notice that Jesse was just here. I don’t answer him as I walk out into the hallway, leaving the door open. I look down the hall but I don’t see Jesse anywhere. “Um, do you care to fill me in?” I jump and turn to look at Chris, who is now standing by my side.

“Oh, um, I think that Jesse came in the room a minute ago. But I’m not too sure if it was him because I just saw the door closing. But it had to be right? I mean you and him are the only ones that have access.” I start walking down the hall to Frank’s and Matt’s room. I notice that the dead bolt is holding the door ajar, so I just walk in. I look around and it’s just Frankie and Matt in the room watching TV. Chris walks past me and sits on the floor next to the couch, causing them to look at him and then me.

“Oh, Jesse was just here looking for you.” I look at Matt and then to Frankie.

“OK, well do you know where he went now?” I ask looking between the two of them. They both shrug but then Frankie speaks.

“Um, well he left for a little bit and then came back asking to talk to Greg alone. They just left a little before you got here. But neither said anything about where they were going.” He shrugs again as if this isn’t a big deal. But I guess to them, it wouldn’t be. Since no one knows about my nightly chats with Greg and Greg is the only one that knows about my time with Chris, well besides Jesse now anyway. I look down to Chris and he just shrugs at me too. But I’m freaking out here. Man, I really hope that Greg just insists that he come talk to me. I trust Greg to not repeat anything that I’ve told him. But I also know that Jesse is his best friend. So he won’t want to lie to him either. Man, this couldn’t be a bigger mess.


OK, well you did your part. You at least lead him in the right direction. He needed to know. And apparently Shawn wasn’t going to tell him any time soon. So, now he knows. I turn back to the TV as Jesse gets completely out of sight. I’ve liked having my nightly chats with Shawn. Really, I have, but she really should have told Jesse about the whole Chris thing. And I’ve been telling her that from the first night, she just hasn’t done it. She said that she didn’t see the point if nothing was going on. I told her that he won’t see it that way, especially if he doesn’t find out from her. He’ll see it as there is something to hide because she didn’t tell him. She was resistant to believe me though.

“Um, Greg can we talk?” I glance up at Jesse as he comes back in the room. Well, that was fast. I stand up, trying to act confused, though I know very well what he wants to talk about. “Alone?” He clarifies. It’s then that I notice that both Matt and Frank are waiting anxiously to hear more. I nod and follow him out of the room.

We get to my room and I let us in. He sits in the chair as I take a seat on the bed. It’s a tense silence for about five minutes. And just when I thought that maybe he was backing out, he asks the one question that I can’t answer. At least not without betraying another friend and I can’t and won’t do that. Even if he is my best friend and the other friend is his girlfriend.

“What all do you know Greg? And don’t lie to me.” I look up at him but he’s just staring at his hands.

“Well, I can’t answer that. It’s not for me to tell you, you need to talk to Shawn.” I keep watching him as he processes what I’ve just said.

“Um, OK, so, therefore, you do know something?” He asks, this time looking up and meeting my gaze.

“Yes, I know everything. But it’s not my place to say. I already did my part, and that’s all that I can do.” I shake my head, giving him a sympathetic look.

He nods slowly, his eyes going to the floor again. “Am I losing her Greg?” And I honestly don’t know what to say to that. The emotion filling his voice catches me completely off guard and is enough to make tears come to my eyes, as I’m sure they have to his at this point.

I take a slow deep breath and release it just as slowly. “Honestly, Shawn is the only person who can answer that question truthfully. But from what I know and everything that she has said and how she’s said it, no, you’re not losing her.” He quickly meets my eyes and my heart quenches for him and goes out to him. “Not yet, at least.” I finish, wishing that I didn’t have to add that. But knowing that it’s for the best.

“What,” he clears his throat, “What do mean by 'not yet'?” He continues to meet my gaze as I prepare myself for what I’m about to say.

“I mean that you really need to talk to her and not hold anything back. You have to ask the questions and make sure she answers them to your liking. Whether you like what she has to say or not. And the sooner you do, the better.”

“Can you give me anything? I mean anything at all? Maybe about what Chris is thinking and what not?” I look him over. I haven’t talked to Chris personally, so I have no idea what he’s really thinking or anything. But man, I so feel that I have to give him something.

“Um, well, I haven’t talked to him about anything like this in a long time.” I see his face fall. “But I can tell you what I think he might be feeling and maybe thinking from what I have heard.” And his face lifts just the slightest bit. I give a small smile because of it. “I think that he does want Shawn to himself. And that he’s enjoying getting to spend time with her when no one’s around, and thus steadily making it happen more often, whether that be consciously or not. Which is something that we already knew to an extent. I also think that Shawn just wants to be friends with your friends because you mean so much to her, therefore, she’s hanging out with him and talking with him a lot to get to know him as well as she has the rest of us. And for now, he’s playing the whole friends front, just to be able to get closer to her later on. But again, this is all just what I’m thinking is going on, and it could be completely wrong and way out in left field.” Granted I do know that the Shawn part is fact, she told me herself when I asked her flat out if she liked Chris.’ I watch as he processes all this new information.

I watch him for a few minutes more before there is a knock at the door. “Do you want me to answer it, or just let her think that we aren’t in here?” He gives me a confused look. “I’m pretty sure that it’s Shawn looking for you.” He glances back to the door just as another knock sounds. He looks back to me and nods briefly. I get up but pause as I get to the door. “I’ll let you guys use my room to talk it out too, OK?” He nods again.

As I turn the knob, he finally says something. I turn back to him. “Thanks Greg. This means a lot and I understand why you wouldn’t tell me more.” I give him a nod and a smile.

“No problem man.” I open the door. And sure enough a frazzled Shawn is on the other side. I give her a soft, gentle smile with a knowing look.

“Um, is Jesse still with you?” I open the door wider, letting her in and bringing him into her view. As soon as her eyes land on him, her whole body visibly relaxes. Man, I really hope they can work this out. They’re so perfect together and for each other. I smile again, to myself this time.

“Well, I’ll just leave you and go see what the others are up to.” I make my quick exit before either one can say anything. They really do need to work this out.


I’m not entirely sure what to say. I mean, she doesn’t know that I know yet. So, how to start this off in the best way? As the silence lengthens, the air around us gets even tenser. After a few minutes, I look up at her and she’s pacing the floor, apparently anxious and nervous. Well, at least I’m not the only one.

Finally she stops moving and turns to me. “It was you that had entered your room a little bit ago, right?” I just look at her. So, she did notice me. But then why is she asking if it was me? “I mean, I turned to say something to Chris and I just saw the door swinging closed, so, it had to be you, right?” I meet her eyes again. Then I finally nod.

“Yea, it was me. I thought that you guys didn't noticed.” I can tell that she is less stressed and tense just by my response. Wonder why that is though? I mean what would it matter if it was me over any of the other guys? “Um, Shawn, what exactly is going on?” I watch her as she looks at me for a couple seconds before she starts pacing again. Shortly after, she starts rambling and talking so fast, that I can hardly keep up and catch every word. So, much for being less stressed and tense. She seems to be even more nervous now.

“Well, it all started the other morning when Chris and I were the only ones awake and down at breakfast. I didn’t see the point in both of us sitting alone so I sat with him and we started talking. Then we started to find ourselves alone more often and hanging out and talking a lot more, but only when we’re alone. I’m not sure why, but he always seems so uncomfortable when everyone is together. I haven't gotten to ask him about that yet though. Anyway, then this morning I came to get you for breakfast, but Chris said you were still asleep, so to be nice and since we have been getting along so well recently, I asked him to join me. The next thing I know its three hours later and you’re leaving your room and here we are.” She finally takes a breath. I watch her as she calms down and gains control of her breathing before I say anything else.

“OK, but nothing else has happened?” She stops walking altogether and turns to look at me.

“What do you mean, ‘nothing else’? I just told you everything.”

“I mean that he hasn’t tried anything with you. Anything at all, that would be more than ‘just friends’ territory.”

“WHAT?! God, no! It’s been strictly platonic! Do you honestly not trust me more than that?” And this is the exact reason why I didn’t want to ever bring this up.

“Of course I trust you. I just don’t fully trust Chris. I’ve seen him when it comes to a girl that he likes or finds attractive. On more than one occasion, I’ve seen just the extremes that he’ll go through to get them to himself. I’m just making sure that HE is being ‘just friends’. OK?" I look her over, trying to see if I said the right thing and worded it the right way. Looks like it, at least for now. "I love you; I don’t want to lose you.” She just stares into my eyes for a few minutes.

“OK, I can understand that, I guess. But you know that I don’t see him that way right? Not since I met you. I’ve already told you all about that. You do know that I LOVE YOU, right?’

I smile and get up and walk over to her. “Of course I know that. I love you too.” I grasp her hands in my own, lacing our fingers. “Just one more thing.”

“OK, shoot.” I smile at her again, looking into her eyes.

“Why didn’t you just come to me instead of going to Greg?” She laughs at me briefly before meeting my eyes again.

“Well, technically, I did come to you, but you were already completely passed out. And Greg offered to listen, and it just became routine to go talk to him after everyone was asleep. I’m sorry. But there’s oddly something very therapeutic about talking to Greg. You know if this whole music thing doesn’t work out, he should totally consider becoming a therapist.” I just shake my head at her. And we laugh together at the mental image that gives us.

“Oh, baby girl, you’re something else.” We continue laughing for a minute or so. “Thanks, but please always come to me too.” She nods agreeing with me and leans up giving me a soft kiss.

“OK, babe, will do from here on out. I promise.” I give her a soft gentle kiss, moving my hands from hers up to cup both sides of her face.

“OK, I promise that I will come talk to you too. I love you.” We smile at each other.

“I love you too.” We share another soft kiss, but this one quickly turns more heated and passionate. Man, I’ve needed a kiss like this all day.

Chapter Nine Part One - "Let’s Get Funky Tonight":

~~Shawn’s POV~~

They’re on their last song for sound check. Hilary and I have been sitting front row center for the whole thing. Well, except the first song, during which, I was sitting in my actual seat for the show tonight. They are pretty good too, though I know that they aren’t performing full heartedly, like they will be tonight. But I can tell that it’s going to be an amazing show. Jesse has had his eyes on me the whole time, which is sweet. But I’ve had fun making faces at him and flirting with him to make him mess up. He makes it too easy too. But at least Claudia and the guys have been getting laughs out of it too. I wouldn’t want to get Jess in trouble.

About half way through the last song, I can sense that someone has taken the seat behind me. I glance at Hilary and see that she noticed too because she is looking at whoever it is. But I only look too when I hear her take a sharp intake of breath and see her eyes widen. As I turn around, I do the same. It’s none other than Aaron! Aaron Carter! Oh my God! Aaron Carter is sitting behind me! I turn back around and my eyes immediately meet Jesse’s. I try to hide my nerves and excitement by taking calming breaths, which works until I get a tap on my shoulder.

I slowly turn back around to face him and he sends me a smile. I give a small one in return. I’m not sure what to say, so I just raise my eyebrows in question, not too sure that I’d even have a voice right now anyway.

“Um, hi, I’m Aaron. What’s your name?”

“Oh, um, hi Aaron. I’m Shawn and this is my step sister Hilary.” At saying her name, Hilary turns around and gives him a nervous smile and a wave.

“It’s nice to meet you both. So, who are you here for?” I’m confused for a second but that doesn’t last long because Jesse and the others come over to us and Jesse draws his attention away by answering for me.

“They came with me.” He takes the seat beside me and gives me a small kiss after I turn to face him. “So, did you enjoy your break Aaron?” He asks turning back to him.

“Oh, that’s cool. Yeah, just enjoyed the beach and got to hang with my brother. What about you guys?”

“Oh, yeah. We needed it that’s for sure. We never really got to see Jess that much these last few weeks, but other than that it was more of what we always did on the bus, just without the added stress and pressure of interviews and such.” I notice that all the guys nod in agreement to Greg’s answer. I turn to Jesse and he’s just watching me. I turn in my seat so that I can lean against him. He kisses the top of my head and wraps his arms around me.

“Oh, yeah. Same here, for the most part. Why didn’t you ever see Jesse?” He asks while glancing quickly at us. Noticing that we are in our own little world and whispering to each other.

“Does that answer your question?” Chris asks Aaron bitterly before walking off.

Aaron and the other guys just watch him go and then exchange looks. “Um, well, anyway. Jess and Shawn literally bumped into each other at the airport when we got back. And then met again a week later at the mall, and since then have been pretty much inseparable. And I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for rehearsals this last week, we wouldn’t have seen him again till today.” Matt answers Aaron’s question receiving nods and “Yeahs” from Greg, Frankie, and Hilary.

“Oh, that’s cool though. At least they’re happy.” He replies as they all turn to watch us.

A few minutes later I realize that they're pretty quiet and turn to look at them. “What?” I ask, thoroughly confused as to why they’re all looking at us.

“Nothing really. Just noticing that you two really make a cute couple.” Hilary answers then looks at the others for confirmation. They all nod to her statement.

I turn and look at Jesse and smile. “Thanks. Well, we’re going to go. Are you coming with Hil?” I turn back to her and she looks shocked. I shake my head and stand up then grab Jess’s hand and pull him up too. We start to walk out just as Aaron’s mom tells him to start his sound check. I can hear hurried footsteps behind us; I glance over my shoulder just as Hilary reaches my side.

A few minutes later and we enter the cafeteria area of backstage. Though it really isn’t a cafeteria, just a break room type room that the venue has set up with tables of catered food. Jesse leads us over to a table where all the adults are sitting and talking. I see a little boy that looks almost identical to Jesse just as he sees us walk in. Must be Timmy. He quickly jumps off his chair and starts to runs to us.

“Jesse, Jesse! Is this your friend?” He practically screams at him. I laugh and gently squeeze Jesse’s hand before letting go at the exact moment that Timmy jumps onto his legs.

I can hear all the adults laughing too. I look over at them and notice that my mom is with them. I turn and look at Jess just as he’s picking Timmy up and answering his question. “Yes, TMac this is Shawn and her sister Hilary.”

Timmy looks between us. “Oh,” he looks back at Jesse and covers his mouth to ‘whisper’ in his ear, “She’s very pretty.” I try not to laugh to let him know that I heard what he said. I look at Jess meeting his eyes.

“Yes, Timmy, she is.” He sends me a smile and we walk over to the table. He lets Timmy down on his chair and then starts with the introductions. “OK, this is: my sister, Lea; mom, Ginger; and dad, Scot; Chris’ mom, Helen; Frankie’s mom, Lisa and dad, Frank; Matt’s mom, Lynn; dad, Mike; and brother, David; Greg’s mom, Maryann; dad, Octovio; and sisters, Amanda, Danielle, and Nicole. Everyone this is my girlfriend, Shawn and her step sister, Hilary.” Everyone exchanged ‘hellos’ and ‘nice to meet yous’. Jesse’s parents being the only ones to stand up and give us hugs. I smile at everyone, noticing how Hilary had already went to sit with Greg’s sisters and Lea. And all of a sudden I felt bad for David. He was the only brother other than Timmy but the age difference makes it not totally count. At least the guys are close to his age, that has to help a little bit. Well, I hope anyway.

Jesse pulls a chair over to the already crowded table and sits down pulling me into his lap. We listen to everyone just chatting away for a little while before we start whispering to each other again.

~~Jesse’s POV~~

Today has been pretty good so far. They guys all seem to like Shawn, well Chris a little too much, and my family seems happy to finally meet her too. I love how we're able to still have our moments even with all these people around. I wasn’t too sure how this would work out at first but I’m glad everything is going as planned. Even my surprise. I can’t wait to see her face! I turn and look at her as she looks around the room at everyone.

“Hey” I whisper softly in her ear. She turns to look at me. I give her a smile. “I love you.” I whisper again. She smiles and leans into me more.

“I love you too.” She whispers back. I squeeze her tightly in my arms for a few seconds before I say anything else. I glance around the room and see that no one is paying us any attention.

“You’re going to love the surprise.” I whisper again into her ear. She shivers a little and I smile bigger because of it. She turns her head towards me giving me a small kiss on the lips before I turn my head away for her to reply.

“Really? How can you be so sure?” She asks. I look at her with skepticism for a second before she smiles at me.

“Because it means that we will get to spend more time together.” I reply with my lips lightly brushing against her ear, once again giving her shivers. I barely pull my head away from her’s before she turns to me with a shocked expression.

“You’re kidding me!” She yells out all of a sudden. I bust up laughing once I hear that everyone else has gotten quiet from her sudden outburst. I take a few deep breaths, forcing myself to calm down before answering her.

“No, babe, I’m not kidding you.” I meet her eyes and see that she is positively elated over this news. I give her a small kiss before she can respond.

“But how? I mean, you’re still leaving in a few days right?” She asks just above a whisper, her expression changing to confusion. And I notice that everyone has gone back to their conversations.

“Yes, I still have to leave in a few days.” I answer her quietly. Should I tell her now? Or stick to the original plan and wait till after the concert? Her eyebrows just furrow even deeper in confusion, so I continue. I'll just tell her now, what's the difference and what will it hurt? “But after a few calls, a lot of discussion, and even more persuading on my part, I have gotten it approved for you to come with us.” She squeals right as I finish, and again, all attention is on us and the whole room is quiet.

“You serious Jess?” She asks in a whisper, almost as if she doesn’t want to get her hopes up.

“I’m dead serious Shawn. I talked to my parents, your parents, Brian, Louie, and Claudia. That’s why it took so long earlier. But it’s only till we get to St. Louis in a couple weeks, your dad will pick you up there and then you’re spending the rest of the summer with him. But if you don’t want to…” And she interrupts me with her lips crashing onto mine. And I hear laughter in the background as I also laugh against her mouth.

“How could I not go when you went through all that for me to go?” She asks with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her face. I give her a quick kiss.

“Yes, well, you have a lot of people to thank for this, not just me. And of course there are conditions.”

“Oh, yes, of course.” And before I can say anything more she is off my lap and walking to my parents. I watch her as she approaches them and gives them both a big hug and thanks them. Then she goes to her mom and does the same thing. And as if on cue, the rest of the guys and Claudia, Louie, and Brian all walk in the room. So, she quickly gives them hugs and thanks too before she comes back over to me and sits back down on my lap.


“Thank you.” I say as I wrap him into a hug. How on Earth did I get so lucky? I so don’t deserve a guy as great as Jesse. I pull back and look into his eyes briefly before I lean in and give him a small kiss. “So, you said there are conditions?”

“Um, yea. Nothing too major. You’re going to be sharing a room with Lea and I’m going to be taken out of the rotation for having my own room while you're with us. You will get to ride on our bus, as long as it’s not an over night trip, for those you will be on the family bus. I also believe that your mom said something about you having to call her every day. And that’s pretty much it.” He shrugs and I just sit there thinking it all over. It’s all very reasonable. This is going to be so much fun!

“OK, that all makes sense and is very reasonable.” I give him another hug and kiss. I see someone out of the corner of my eye and glance over to them. It’s Chris and he looks very sad. I don’t fully understand why I felt the way I did earlier, before the little tour, he was perfectly nice and we got along great. I can even see us becoming good friends over these next couple weeks. I send him a smile and he just gives me a small one in return before leaving. Hmm, I’ll have to figure out what’s going on with him later. I look at Jess and meet his eyes. I smile at him, he smiles back. “So, what are you doing these couple days before you, well we, leave?”

“I believe that we have a photo shoot and interviews tomorrow, one of which is on Good Morning America and then another show the day after that in Central Park. Then we leave early Saturday morning to get to the next town in time for a radio interview, sound check, and the meet and greet all before the show that night.”

“Oh, OK, sounds like you’ll be pretty busy.” I look down at my hands. What’s the point of me even going if he’s never going to have the time to do anything with me?

“Yea, but the beauty of you coming with me is that you’ll get to go to everything too. And it won’t be that bad, we usually have at least an hour of free time between each thing, granted some of the time is spent traveling between the places, but I wouldn’t have asked for you to come, if I knew that I’d never get to see you. We’re all still minors, so legally there’s only so many hours a day that they can make us work. So, we’ll still get to spend plenty of time together. And we’ll have a blast!” He brings his hand up under my chin and makes me look at him, then gives me a smile and a kiss. “It’ll be fun, I promise.” I smile back at him and lean in to kiss him again. Now, how did he know what I was thinking? As well as the right thing to say?

“OK, Jess, but does that mean that I get to go with you tomorrow? Or does that start once we leave New York?” He drops his hand from resting under my chin and wraps his arms around me again.

“I believe that you’ll be able to go with us tomorrow, but I’ll have to ask to make sure.” I look at him and nod before leaning back into him and resting my head on his shoulder.


“Shawn you should really get to your seat now.” I’ve been trying to get her to go to her seat for the last 10 minutes; she’s just been so stubborn and keeps changing the subject. This time right after I say it though, Claudia knocks on the door and walks on in.

“Guys, 5 minute warning. Are you all warmed up?” We all nod our heads and I stand up from the couch, grabbing Shawn’s hand and pulling her up too.

“Hey, Claud, could you take Shawn to her seat? Just make sure she finds it alright and everything please?” She looks at me and then Shawn.

“Yea, sure no problem. I’ll just be right outside Shawn.” She leaves after Shawn nods at her. She turns to me and I send her a smile.

“Well, good luck. I’ll meet you after?” She leans in and gives me a peck on my cheek.

“Of course. Now go and enjoy the show!” I lean in and give her a peck on the lips before wrapping her in a hug. “I love you.” I whisper in her ear before releasing her.

“I love you too.” She whispers back before turning and walking out the door.

“Don’t you think that it’s too soon to be saying that?” I turn and look at Chris. What the hell is his problem? Can he seriously not stand the fact that for once I got the girl and am truly happy?

“No, we don’t because we both mean it. What are you doing eavesdropping on our conversation?” I ask totally fed up with his attitude.

“Well, if you didn’t want anyone to overhear your conversation, you shouldn’t be having it with other people present.” He retaliates. I just shake my head and leave the room; hearing Greg ask him “How did you even hear what they said? I know I didn’t hear anything.” Seriously, what is his problem? It’s none of his business. It’s our relationship, not his. Granted that could be the problem, he wishes it was his relationship. Whatever, I have a show to concentrate on right now.


“How did you even hear what they said? I know I didn’t hear anything.” I look at Chris; we had to be about the same distance from Jesse and Shawn during their goodbye. I glance around at Matt and Frank and they both nod wanting to know the answer too.

“My hearing must be better than yours then. But whatever, it doesn’t matter.” He starts to leave but Frankie stops him.

“OK, man, I’ve been quiet all day about this attitude of yours, but I can’t be anymore. You need to lay off them. They’re truly happy and really care about each other. Just leave it alone and find your own girl. You can’t have everyone that you find attractive; girls are not possessions to be had by you. Just let it go and let them be.” As he finishes up his mini lecture; him, Matt, and I all leave the dressing room. And I hear Chris following a few steps behind.


The whole short walk to the stage I’ve been thinking about what Frankie said. Am I really that transparent? I could swear that I was doing a good job at hiding everything. Man, if they noticed, that means that Jesse and Shawn probably did too. Oh, man! This could turn out to be very bad. I hear one of the stage hands call places, and we all walk onto the dark stage to thousands of screams in the dark arena. I glance over the audience briefly and I can clearly make out Shawn. There’s no harm in being her friend, right? Of course not. I smile to myself as I turn around, getting into position, and the music starts. Showtime!


I can vaguely see figures walking out onto the stage and I feel Hilary grab and squeeze my hand. I look over at her briefly before the music starts and a little bit later followed by the guys singing and the crowd erupting even louder than they did before, when the lights went out.



I watch the guys start the song and dance and am in awe. They are just amazing. It’s no wonder that they’re being called the next ‘NSYNC. And then Jesse starts the first verse and looks right at me, meeting my eyes. I smile up at him.



Boy can my boyfriend sing and dance! This is going to be an awesome couple of weeks!

Turn down the lights
And feel the rhythm
I'll give you everything
I'll take you to heaven

Wanna rock you steady baby
Come on now, let's go crazy
You know the time is right
So let's get funky tonight
Everybody's letting go now
It's time to start the show now
Get ready, hold on tight
And let's get funky tonight

Chapter Eight - "Tell Her":

~~The Next Morning~Wednesday~June 13, 2001~~

~~Shawn's POV~~

I wake up to the sound of a phone going off. I reach towards the bedside table with my eyes closed. But when I find my phone and notice that it’s not the one going off, I finally open my eyes and take in my surroundings, my eyes widening when they land on a sleeping Jesse in my bed. Oh. My. God! I’m going to be in so much trouble! The ringing finally stops and I lay back down trying to think of a way out of this. I turn back to him and look him over. Man, he is so adorable when he’s asleep. Wait, no, no, no! Shawn that is not what you’re supposed to be thinking about. Before I really know what I’m doing though, I’m reaching over and gently shaking his shoulder to wake him up. It takes a couple times before his eyes open to meet mine.

“Morning.” I say with a small, timid smile. He returns the smile and sits up to stretch.

“Good morning.” He says as he leans over to give me a kiss on my cheek.

“Um, your phone was going off a little bit ago.” He rolls over and reaches into his bag, pulling out his phone. How is he acting as if this is no big deal? He’s as cool as a cucumber. I watch him as he listens to the voicemail and then starts to call whoever it was back.

“Greg, what’s up?” He pauses for a minute. “Yea, I know man. I’m sorry. We fell asleep talking.” Another pause. “Oh, man, really? What did you say?” OK, now, I’m fully alert and this is the longest pause thus far. “OK, thanks man, for everything.” And a short pause. “Um, actually, I think that I’ll just go with Shawn.” He laughs at whatever is being said. Wait a minute. Is he blushing too? “Yea, man, remember I got them the backstage passes. So, it won’t be a problem for them to come over with me.” And another laugh. “Of, course I did this all for you guys. I knew just how much you all want to meet her.” A laugh and an eye roll. “Look, I’ve got to go. Thanks again for covering for me. I’ll see you in a few hours. Bye dude.” He waits a couple seconds and then closes his phone, finally turning to me. He smiles and starts talking before I can even think of where to begin.

“Greg says hi and he can’t wait to meet you.” He looks down and shakes his head briefly, as if he’s thinking about something else. “He was just calling to let me know that my mom called him but he told her I was in the shower and was about to go see you before heading to the venue.”

“Oh, OK.” I start to get up. “Well, I’m going to take a shower. Well, unless you want to first. Actually that might be better. Then after I’m done we can act as if you just got here to go to breakfast or something.” He nods, grabs his stuff, and goes into the bathroom.

I reach over and look at the passes and tickets he got for us. Then I see the CD. I grab it and put it into my portable CD player that I brought with me. I start to listen to it quietly while I look over the booklet. They aren’t all that bad. This should be a fun day. I glance at the clock right as I hear the shower turn off, so I get up and start getting my stuff together. Jesse walks out of the bathroom wearing a light green t-shirt and cargo jeans. Man, he looks good.

“It’s all yours.” He says as he walks past me, pausing to give me a quick kiss. I smile at him and then head into the bathroom.

~~Jesse’s POV~~

I start getting my stuff back together and sit on the bed. Man, I can’t believe that I actually fell asleep. Thank God that Greg covered for me. I just hope that her plan works to get both of us out of trouble, especially since they’re meeting my family today. Oh, God please be with us.

I fall back on the bed and just try to stop thinking about it and that’s when I hear ‘it’. Wait a minute. She was listening to us? I wonder what she thought. I’ll have to ask her. I smile but it goes away quickly when I hear a noise in the room next to us. I get up quietly and write her a short note on the hotel stationary and then sneak out.

I get out into the hall with no problem. Thankfully Hilary was still asleep on the couch. Man, I really hope that she fell asleep while she was watching her movie and never came into the room. ‘Cause knowing her she would totally rat us out just because we like to pick on her. Well, actually, come to think of it though, I really don’t know why she always puts up with it.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by knocking on the room door and then it opening a minute later. I turn and look at Shawn. I smile upon seeing what she’s wearing. She kept telling me she couldn’t wait to wear her new outfit to the concert but always refused to let me see it. Saying she wanted it to be a surprise. And for the first time, I’m glad that she did. She lets me in and we walk back to her room.

~~Shawn’s POV~~

I get out of the shower and shortly after there is a knock on the bathroom door. “Just a minute.” I quickly finish getting dressed and open the boys’ door to see Austin. “All yours.” I grab my makeup and hair stuff and go into my room, trying not to open the door too wide for him to see in my room, but upon turning around, I see that my efforts were pointless because Jesse is gone. I go to the small table and drop my stuff on it, causing a piece of paper to fall to the floor. I pick it up and see that it’s a note.

Shawn,
I heard that someone was up in your brothers’ room. So I’m going to be out in the hall. Come get me when you can. And we can act like I just got here.
I love you,
Jesse

I quickly finish towel drying my hair and head to the front door. Well, at least Hilary is still asleep. But how to make it seem like he is the one that is knocking? I go to the door and knock on it and then go back to the couch and announce that I’ll get it just in case Mom or Brian is awake. I get to the door just about a minute after knocking and open it to see Jesse turning towards it. I smile at seeing him looking me over. I open the door wider letting him in and close it behind him. I start walking back to my room and he follows.

“So what do you think?” I ask as I turn around in front of him. I’m wearing a jean skirt that reaches mid thigh and an orange baby t-shirt that has lighter orange hearts all over it and is slightly form fitting. I look at him while biting my bottom lip a little bit.

“Um, well, this is the first time I’ve seen you in a skirt.” I roll my eyes while placing my hands on my hips. “Babe, you look amazing. I’m going to have my work cut out for me today though, that’s for sure.” I furrow my brow in confusion. But he answers before I can even ask. “I mean, all the guys are going to be all over you, well trying to be anyway. I won’t let them within a 10 foot radius.” I shake my head and just laugh at him, turning to face the mirror and table.

“Sure Jess, but thanks. That’s sweet, in a weird sort of way.” We both laugh again as he comes up to me, hugging me from behind. I smile and turn my head towards his, which is resting on my shoulder. I kiss his cheek and turn back to the mirror. He, in return, kisses my cheek and then goes to sit on the bed. I reach over and turn the music up a little bit and start to straighten my hair.

Neither one of us says anything until I’m almost done applying what little makeup I’m going to be wearing. “So, which guy is which?” I ask as I turn to look at Jesse for the first time since I started.

“Oh, um, well,” he leans over and picks up the CD. “Come here and I’ll show you.” I nod and sit next to him. “This is Frankie; he’s the oldest and an only child. This is Chris,” but I interrupt him.

“Oh, yea, I remember him. Well, that he was the one with spikes anyway.” We both laugh.

“Yea, he’ll be happy to know that you remembered his hair. But anyway. He just had his birthday on the 11th. He has one older brother but he’s married and has a kid. This is Matt, his birthday is in April too. He has a brother my age. And this is Greg. Me and him are pretty close. He has 3 younger sisters. He’s the one that Lea has a thing for. And well, yea, that’s them. I don’t really know what else you want to know.”

“Oh, well, that’s cool. Just tell me whatever you want about them. I have a feeling they know everything about me already. So, I don’t want to be completely clueless when I meet them today.” I slide on my orange flip flops. Not the shoes I was originally going to wear but I saw these and had to get them. “But you can tell me on the way to eat. Let’s go.” I grab his hand and pull him out of my room, grabbing my purse and the passes on the way.

“Oh, I guess I should have known it was Jesse at the door.” My mom says to Brian. “Good morning. Where are you two off too?” She says, stopping us on our way to the door.

“Oh, Jesse wanted to take me to breakfast before we leave for the show. He wants me, well us, to go with him to the venue. Is that OK?” I look at her pleadingly.

“Um, well. What time would we need to leave?” She asks looking between us.

I look at Jesse. “Oh, uh, well, I need to be there by 11:30.” He glances at the clock. “So, probably in about 2 hours or so.” Mom looks at the clock too.

“OK, I’ll get Hilary up. We’ll be ready by the time you guys get back.” She walks to the couch. “Um, do you know why she slept on the couch though?”

“I think she fell asleep while watching a movie.” I answer as we walk to the door. “Thanks Mom. We’ll be back soon. Love you.” I vaguely hear her say ‘Love you too’ as we head to the elevator.


“Well, the most important thing to remember about Chris is too never, and I mean NEVER, touch his hair!” We both laugh. These last couple hours have been a never ending Q&A about the guys. We just arrived at the venue about 5 minutes ago. But we are just now entering the dressing room because of security and everything. And we ran into Claudia as she was on her way out. She apparently forgot something. “Hey guys. What’s up?” I sit down on the couch making Shawn sit beside me; Hilary and Debbie just stand behind us by the door. I look around at all of them when no one says anything in return. They are all staring at Shawn, my girlfriend, as if she is a piece or meat or something. This isn’t the best way to start off the day with me. “Um, guys.” And it doesn’t faze them. I start to look around for something to throw at them and I find a nerf football on the floor beside the couch. I quickly grab it and throw it at the guys. It hits Frank’s arm and bounces off to hit Greg’s head. Shawn busts up laughing, while the guys are too busy trying to figure out what happened. “OK, now that I have your attention. What’s up?” They both send me death glares.

“Nothin’ much.” Matt is the only one that answers me. Granted he’s also the only one that found it kind of funny too.

“OK, then. Guys this is Shawn, her step sister Hilary, and her mom Debbie. Shawn, Hilary, Debbie, this is Frankie, Greg, Matt, and,” I look around, “wait where’s Chris?” Shawn just got done giving them each a hug.

“Oh, actually, now that you mention it, I haven’t seen him all day. What about you guys?” Frankie looks between Greg and Matt as they both shake their heads no too.

“Hmm, OK, oh well, you’ll just meet him later.” I smile at Shawn as she sits back down.

“Oh, darn. I was so looking forward to testing your ‘no one can touch his hair’ theory.” She sends me a smile as the guys are trying not to laugh.

“Trust us, it’s not a theory. But I dare you to try to.” Greg tells her right as my phone rings. I retrieve it out of my pocket and answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey sweetie. Are you already at the venue?” My mom, always ‘concerned’.

“Yea Mom. We got here about 15 minutes ago.”

“Oh, Shawn’s with you?”

“Yes, remember Greg told you that I was going to go see her for breakfast. I didn’t see the point in going back to Greg’s to come with him when they were coming here too.” I roll my eyes, receiving a small slap from Shawn. I look at her and she’s giving me that look that says ‘Don’t talk to your mom that way.’ I send her a smile.

“Oh, yea, that makes sense. Well, we’re pulling in now. Can you come meet us, please?”

“Yea, sure, I actually have something I need to talk to you about.” I stand up from my seat.

“Oh, OK. Should I be worried?” She laughs a little.

“No, Mom, I just have a question. See you in a minute.” I hang up, not waiting for a response. “I’m going to meet my family; I’ll be right back, OK?” I look down at Shawn, as she starts to get up.

“Um, OK. You don’t want me to go with you?” She looks a little surprised and worried. I shake my head and lean down to give her a quick kiss.

“No, I need to talk to them for a minute. I’ll come get you when I’m done.” She nods. Then I turn to the guys. “You all be good, please.” They all look at me in mock shock.

“I can’t believe that you would suggest that we would be anything but good.” Greg speaks up. I give him an ‘I know you better than that look.’

“Yea, sure.” I turn to leave, giving Shawn another kiss.


I turn back around from watching Jesse leave and look at the guys again. I give a small smile, suddenly nervous. My attention leaves them when someone sits down beside me. It’s Hilary and she looks just as nervous as I feel. I send her a small smile too.

“Um, how do you like New York?” I turn back to the guys. It’s Matt that spoke.

“Oh, um,” I glance at Hilary briefly, “it’s great. We’ve already been everywhere though. So, yea. Well, actually I was wondering, Jess didn’t tell me, but where are you all from?” I look at each one of them as they figure out who will answer first. It’s Matt again.

“Well, I’m from Westchester, like Jess, but our schools are rivals.” He gives a small chuckle. “At least we don’t have to actually play against each other or anything.” I nod not needing anymore elaboration than that.

“I’m from Long Island.” I smile at Greg, trying to figure out if he’s nervous or what because, since Jess left, his whole demeanor has changed.

“I’m from the Bronx.” Frankie gives me a smile, I smile back. He just has one of those contagious smiles. Definitely his best feature though.

“Oh, yea, Jess mentioned that you go to an all boys school. It must be nice to get to escape to this.” I say with a chuckle and we all share a laugh.

“Yea, it definitely is. That’s for sure.” We continue laughing until we hear the door open. Hilary and I turn around to see who it is, both of our jaws dropping at who we see. I know that Hilary has no idea who it is. But I sure do. This has to be Chris. And he is way hotter than any picture I’ve seen. But he still has the spikes and sunglasses, so I know it’s him. I glance at Hilary and then back to Chris. But on the scan back, I notice that my mom isn’t here anymore. But that thought quickly leaves my mind as my eyes meet his. I give a shy smile. He returns it with a little half one.

“Hi, I’m Chris.” He holds his hand out to me. I feel my cheeks flush a little.

“It’s nice to meet you Chris. I’m Shawn.” I say as I take his hand and get an elbow in the ribs. “Ow,” I look at Hilary and she’s giving me a glare. “And this is my step sister Hilary.” She smiles up at him but he’s still looking at me.

“Wait, Shawn? As in Jesse’s Shawn?” He asks looking surprised, just like the other guys did when I walked in with Jesse earlier.

“Um, yea.” I say a little confused. He’s looking me over and I can feel my cheeks flush fully now.

“Wow.” He drew it out and spoke it so softly that I’m sure he doesn’t think anyone heard.

“So, Chris, are you just getting here?” Greg questions him, probably hoping to deter his attention from me. But he answers without looking away. Normally a guy doing this, staring at me in this way and acting like this, would make me really uncomfortable. But for some reason, it doesn’t with Chris.

“Um, yea, is Claudia totally mad?” He asks in return.

“Actually, she’s not here, she had to leave to get something.” Frankie answers and succeeding in taking Chris’ full attention.

“What do you mean? She never forgets anything.” He takes turns looking at each guy as he gets the same response, just shrugs. “OK, well, where is Jester?” He asks bringing his attention back to me.

“Oh, um, he went to meet his parents and talk to them for a minute.” I reply as I turn to Hilary. “Where is Mom at anyway?” She turns to me taking her eyes off Chris for the first time since he entered the room.

“Um, I’m not too sure. Jesse came back in and took her with him though.” She says nonchalantly. I turn back to the other guys and I can tell that they hadn’t noticed either. I shrug my shoulders at them, a little worried.

“So, have you had a tour yet Shawn?” I turn to Chris, a little suspicious of what he’s thinking. I just shake my head at him. “Really? Well, come on let me take you.” He comes to stand in front of me, and takes my hand.

“Um, really, Chris, it’s fine. Jesse is going to be back soon.” By the time I’m done speaking, he already has me standing. I turn and look at the other guys and then Hilary. She looks pissed and actually, so do the guys. I just don’t know who they’re all mad at.

“Come on. It’ll be fine. He’ll find us once he’s done with his adult time.” I look at everyone again, no change, which isn’t helping me at all. To turn him down or make me feel better about wanting to go with him, either way, they are not helping. So, I just nod at him and he immediately quits pulling on my arm.

“Are any of you coming too?” I ask, hoping that at least one other person will. But no one answers or moves to follow us as we walk out the door. [Well, crap. This can’t be good.


I’ve been gone almost 20 minutes. I seriously had no idea that I’d be gone this long. But I wanted this to be a surprise. And if they said no, I didn’t want Shawn to have known and possibly gotten her hopes up. But finally, after everyone convened and we conferenced in both Claudia and Shawn’s dad. What a first time to talk to him, asking him for a favor. But anyway, 20 minutes later and having everyone and their mother in on the decision, I have an answer. Now, just to find the right way to tell, well, ask really, Shawn about it.

“Hey, sorry I took," I enter the dressing room and quickly look around, "where’s Shawn?” I ask. I look at Greg’s, Frank’s, and Matt’s faces. Then I notice that Hilary is still on the couch too. “Wait, did you guys let her wonder by herself?” I’m starting to panic at the possibilities. But still having not received a response, it sinks in what must have happened. “You guys let her be alone with CHRIS! Are you freaking kidding me? You guys know better than I do about him and when he wants something or someone. UGH! Do you have any idea where they went?”

“He was going to take her on a tour. He said that you could find them when you were done. She wasn’t too sure about going.” I turn to Hilary not expecting it to be her that answered. I grab her hand and pull her with me out the door to go find them, hearing the guys get up and follow.

“When did they leave?” I ask. They all share a look before Greg looks at his watch.

“Um, about 5 minutes ago, I guess.” He won’t meet my eyes. He’s hiding something. I look at Matt and Frankie too with the same response.

“OK, what are you guys hiding?” They all share a look again. I can tell that they are going to try and deny it, so I stop and give them a hardened look. They all let out a sigh and slump their shoulders.

“He’s really into her Jess. None of us have ever seen him act this way, let alone when just meeting someone.” I look at Frankie as he shares another look with Matt and Greg. I can tell that none of them want to tell me the rest. I just push past them, with a huge sinking feeling in my stomach. I can feel them all following me, but now I just really wish that I was alone. Yes, alone, alone with Shawn. Like it was before I had this week of rehearsal. Like it was yesterday before our huge fight. Like it was before she knew about Dream Street and before Chris had met her.

After about 10 minutes of searching, I finally hear her laughter. And it remarkably calms me down. That is until I hear it followed by his voice. Oh, I am so going to beat his a**! He has got to learn that he can’t get every little thing and especially every one that he decides he wants! I round the corner and I see her and I just can’t help but smile. Her back is turned, so I run up to her and wrap her in my arms. She jumps a little but then relaxes into my hold. I loosen up a bit and she turns around in my arms, wrapping hers around my neck.

“I was beginning to think that you forgot about me.” She’s trying so hard to be serious, but she’s not a good actress at all. Plus she has a huge smile on her face. My own smile widens. I lean down and give her a small kiss on the lips.

“I, sweetheart, could never forget about you. It just took longer than we expected. But I have a great surprise for you later.” I give her a wink and start to look at Chris, but she pulls my face down to meet hers in a passionate kiss. And I let her deepen it. When she runs her tongue along my bottom lip, I tighten my arms around her waist resting my hands right above her butt. I can feel more than one pair of eyes on us, so I regrettably have to pull away. I give her one more small kiss before looking over at Chris, who is now joined by Hilary, Greg, Matt, and Frankie. Shawn rests her head on my chest after bringing her arms around my waist. I smile at the guys.

“Hey Chris, thanks for keeping Shawn company. I really didn’t mean to be that long.” I can tell that he’s jealous and that he seriously thought his advances were working. But he just nods and mumbles “No problem” before turning and heading towards the stage. I rest my head on top of her’s and we stand there in the hall talking with everyone before one of the stage hands tells us they need us for sound check.

Chapter Seven - "I Say Yeah":

~~About an Hour Later~~

~~Jesse’s POV~~

"Jesse! Come on! That's completely wrong! Focus!" Claudia has been yelling at me all rehearsal. And I'm sure that it won't get any better. I just can't get this feeling out of my stomach or Shawn out of my head. Granted it's been this way all week, but up till now, it has helped me to be better, not worse. "JESSE! You turn to the left, not right! What has gotten into you! You have never messed that up. Let alone this week! Now again! And Jesse FOCUS!!" She sighs. And so do I. I don't even look at the guys. We have only made it through one song. And normally we are already almost done with the first run of the show. And we won't get our break till we've gone through it three times without messing up. It's going to be a long night. A very long night!

Finally about another thirty minutes pass and we've made it through the second song. Then we have to do both back to back. And surprisingly I make it through them with no problems. But it could have something to do with the guys' glares the whole time. I sigh as Claudia gives us a two minute water break. I walk over to my bag as the guys leave the room.

I glance at my phone. Nothing. OK, I thought she'd have called or something by now. I turn my phone off and then back on. Still nothing. I let out a sigh and throw it back into my bag and grab my water bottle. I take a long drink before throwing it back down too. I go back to the center of the floor to my position for the next song. I'm so lost in my own thoughts that when Greg taps my shoulder, I jump about a mile before whipping around to face him.

"Whoa man! What has gotten into you today?" He asks taking a step back while giving me a confused look.

"Oh, sorry man. Nothing really. I just have a lot on my mind." I look at the ground and he's about to say something else but Claudia comes back and interrupts him.

"OK, guys. Back to work. Places for "Gotta Get the Girl"." She walks over to the stereo.

"Later." Greg says giving me 'the look'. You know the 'I'm serious, we have to talk about what you have done wrong' look. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they all drew straws to see who would talk to me or even played rock, paper, scissors for it. Or maybe the others volun-told Greg to do it. I watch him walk back to his spot and I take mine just as the music starts. Here we go again.

~~Three Hours Later~About 8:30 PM~~

Finally we get our long break. I grab my cell and walk out to the side of the building and sit on a bench. I call my parents and tell them that I'm going to Greg's and he's going to bring me to the venue tomorrow. I just got off the phone and see that I have a new voicemail. I sit there and stare at the screen for a couple minutes. It has to be her. Everyone else wouldn't call me during rehearsal. Granted today is the first day that she's known about it, but after that fight, or whatever you want to call it, she'd call. I know she would. Not caring about the circumstances or anything. But my phone was on silent. They have to be, that or turned off, during rehearsal. One of Claud's rules. I sigh as I hit the call button.

"Um, hey." I hear her clear her throat and I smile, just glad to hear her voice again. "It's me.” Small pause. “Jess, I'm so sorry about earlier. I, um, really hope I can see you before the concert tomorrow. I really just need to talk to you. Um, well, please call or text and let me know, ‘kay? Um, well, I'll let you get to it. (Small depressing laugh.) Bye Jester, I already miss you. Um, I love you." Click. She sounds like she's been crying. Crap! This sucks. She's crying and I can't go and do anything about it. That settles it. I am definitely going over there after rehearsal! I listen to it again. Now why would she be hoping to see me before the show? Didn't she get the backstage passes? I mean, she had to right? I left them on the cd, knowing she'd find them there. Unless... Wait! She loves me. But she said... oh who cares what she had said. SHE LOVES ME! Thank you God! And I listen to it three more times before someone sits next to me. I shut my phone and look to my right. It's Greg. I should have known that he'd find me eventually. I give him a little smile before facing forward again.

"So?" He inquires. He doesn't seriously think that I'll just offer up info, does he?

"So...?" I ask back. He releases a short laugh. I still don't look at him.

"OK, man. You've been spot on all on week. Better than Chris even. Then today, you get here and can't get the easiest moves right. The ones that you have never, in the whole three years, had problems with. SO... what the hell is up?" I look at him. He's dead serious. I've never seen him this serious in fact. I just shrug my shoulders but his look hardens. I sigh, giving in.

"OK, fine. Shawn and I got into a fight right before I left. Well, before she kicked me out rather." I face forward again and look down at the ground, examining my shoes.

"Ohkay." He draws the word out, sounding slightly confused. "So? This is your first fight. It happens in every relationship eventually. Just be glad that you guys lasted two weeks without a serious disagreement. It will all be fine. Just talk to her. Put that phone to good use." I look back at him again. A little surprised that he's trying to comfort me. But then again, we have always been closer with each other than any of the other guys.

"It's not going to be that easy Greg. This isn't just your normal fight. AND it's not something that can be fixed over the phone. Which is kind of why I wanted to stay with you tonight." His look changes to a mixture of worry and confusion. So I continue, not giving him the chance to say anything until I'm completely done. "I'm going over there right after rehearsal. And then I was going to get a cab to go to your place once this is resolved. That is if you can't come get me. But I'd like you to drop me off, at least, at the hotel on your way home or to where ever you're going to go before going home. I know that my parents wouldn't let me go back over there so late. Especially since we have a show tomorrow. But I know that I won't get any sleep if I don't talk to her about this now. You know?" I look at him. A little nervous about what he's going to say. He thinks about what I said for a few minutes. Never once looking away from me. Then he nods.

"Fine, I'll drop you off. But you'll have to call me before you come in the house, once you're there, and I'll meet you at the door. You can't be quite for anything." He pats my shoulder before standing up.

"Really? Thanks, man." I stand up too and we head back inside. Now with all that in place, I feel tons better. And she called! That means that we can, hopefully, forget about earlier and move pass all of it. I return to rehearsal feeling better than I have all night. I can actually concentrate and get this done, unlike earlier. Also, unlike earlier, I have something happy to look forward to again. Now, just hoping that she will still be up that late.

I haven't called her or anything. I just showed up. So, I don't even know if she, or anyone else for that matter, is still up. But here I am, standing in front of their hotel room door. I've been here for a couple minutes and can't bring myself to knock. I take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds before releasing it and finally knocking. Hilary answers. She takes one look at me, turns and walks back to the couch, leaving the door open. I walk in, closing it behind me. I look around the room. She has all the lights off and is curled up on the couch watching a movie. It doesn't look like anyone else is up.

"Um, where is Shawn?" I ask my voice quite. I don't want to wake up their parents. Especially since I don't know how they would react to me coming by so late. She points to her bedroom door, not even looking away from the TV. I mumble "Thanks" and head over there. I knock softly but after the third time, I slowly and cautiously open the door. I look in and have to smile at the sight. Shawn's curled up in the center of her bed, on top of the covers, and clutching her phone. But is sound asleep. Her hair is wavy, like it is when she lets it air dry. She has also left the lamp, by the bed, on. I walk in and close the door as quietly as I can. I turn back to her and walk over. As I get closer, I notice the tear stains on her cheeks. My heart clenches at the sight before me. And all of a sudden it's so very clear. I do love her. With everything I am. But if she doesn't return the feelings, it doesn't matter. Not in the least. Just as long as she is still in my life. Yeah, it'd be great if she did have these feelings for me. But I know without a single doubt that I couldn't lose her from my life completely.

I slowly start to sit on the bed by her, and then I lay down. I watch her for a little bit. I notice that her eyes are moving slightly behind her closed lids. I wonder what she's dreaming about. I watch her a few minutes more. And before I really know what I'm doing, I reach out and brush her hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear. She turns over onto her back and starts to wake up. I watch as she takes in where she is and her surroundings. Before her eyes finally land on me and take me in the same way.


I wake up and look around me. I rub my eyes and then they fall on Jesse. But he can't be here. He's supposed to be at rehearsal. What is he doing here? I look at him for a little bit longer. Then I look up at the ceiling and sit up. He stays where he is at. I look back at him. He's still in the clothes, that I'm guessing, he rehearsed in since they're different from what he was wearing earlier. I glance outside and notice that it's night out, I can't say dark since New York is never truly dark. I look back at him and meet his eyes. They show worry, sadness, tiredness, and love. I take in everything that they're telling me before I speak.

"What are you doing here?" My voice is soft. I look away from him. All of a sudden, everything from earlier comes rushing back to me. I take calming breathes as an attempt not to cry. It works, for now.

"I wanted to come see you. Talk about earlier." His voice is just as soft. I look at him and he's looking at the blanket. I reach for his hand. I take hold of it and give it a small squeeze. Waiting till he meets my eyes to say anything else.

"OK." I say, ready to put this behind us. "I'm sorry. I overreacted. I shouldn't have blown it all out of proportion. I didn't even try to listen to what you had to say and I should have. Especially before even making a decision like that." I never break our eye contact. But he does as he sits up too.

"No, it's OK. I understand why you did. I'm sorry too. I should have just respected what you said and your decision instead of trying to push you into something you don't want. I get that you don't love me the way I love you. But I know that I don't want to lose you completely. If all we can ever be is friends, then I'm perfectly happy with that." He meets my eyes again. I give him a smile and he returns it. Before he can react, I'm in his lap with my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. He laughs softly and wraps his arms around my waist. We stay like that for a few minutes or so. Then I lean back. I need to tell him before it’s too late. I take a deep breath and release it slowly.

"Um, Jess, actually, I wasn't completely honest earlier." I look down briefly, just long enough to gather myself again. Looking back up at him, I notice that he's confused and slightly worried about what I'm going to say. "It's nothing to be worried over. And definitely nothing bad." And suddenly I'm fully aware of how close we really are and of the fact that I'm still in his lap. But I force my attention back to what I have to say and his eyes. "I mean. I don't think it's bad or anything. And I'm pretty sure that you won't either. But anyway. Um, well... Jess. I wasn't honest when I said that I don't love you." I stop for a second and clear my throat. "I know that you asked me to be honest. But I was so sure that a long distance relationship would never work, that I made myself lie to you. And, God, I never want to again. It killed me to do that. I still don't think it's a good idea. But I can't lose you either. I don't even want to know what it'd be like without you now that I've had you for a while." I search his face. It's blank, completely blank. No emotion whatsoever. Like he's not sure what he thinks. After a few minutes, he speaks.

"What," he clears his throat, "are you saying Shawn?" I look into his eyes and notice that they're searching mine. I smile and answer him.

"I'm saying, Jesse, I love you. That I'm in love with you too." I barely finish before he kisses me. I'm surprised for a little bit. But then I start to relax into him and kiss him back. We continue to kiss for a few minutes before I pull back. He looks at me with a huge smile.

"Can we at least try? Please?" He asks. I look down, thinking about it for a minute. When I look up, I can tell that he's anxious. I slowly start to nod. This time, he's the one to jump on me, causing us to fall back on the bed. We laugh and I start to tickle him, even though he has the advantage, since he's on top. But he never tickles me back, he just rolls off me and lies on his side. He takes my hand and brings it to his lips kissing it softly, then lays our entwined hands between us. I'm still on my back, so I roll my head to look at him. "I love you." I smile as he says that. It feels so very good to hear, especially from him. I close my eyes, taking it in.

"I love you too." I open my eyes and we're closer than we were when I closed them. I close off the remaining distance and give him a soft kiss. Pulling away, our eyes meet again and we both smile.